you forgot...

Ok sooooo... I'll be honest, I wasn't really "feelin" it today.

I didn't have any desire to do anything of the things that I was responsible to do.

I was having a rough day, there's no way around it. 

I mentioned before that, as a single person, the holidays are not always easy. In many ways, they remind me just how truly alone I really am. During the holidays, I am reminded more consistently and acutely how I long to be a mom. Because that is not a a thing in my life I tend to embrace other people's children as much as I can. Even though the kids at work do a great job filling in for some of this desire, there are two precious little ones who hold prime real estate in my heart. 

My niece Gracie and her brother, my nephew Danny. They are spending the night at my house tonight. There in lies the rub.

You see, due to the business of life, I haven't seen these kiddos in nearly a month and tonight...I had to work until past their bedtime. Tomorrow, I have to go in early before I can spend much time with them at all. I am not going to lie. It makes my heart ache.

This starts a vicious inner struggle with me where I get so frustrated with myself that it hurts so bad because, well frankly, THEY ARE NOT MY CHILDREN. I have zero claim on their time or attention. Their family has plenty of things to do that do not involve hanging out with Aunt Linda. And you know what, thats good. They SHOULD. They are a family. 

I don't have a family. Not like that. I have extended family, but nothing that is uniquely mine.

As I worked today I kept pushing away those ugly thoughts. I tried to put my head down and focus on important things like filing and making copies. I tried to speak words of life to clients and smile at the myriad of donors who poured through the door. I made pleasant small talk with people but inside my heart was being dragged through the enemies same of pile of mud.

"You are nothing."

"You have nothing."

"No one actually wants you around."

"People just feel sorry for you and spend time with you out of pity because you are pathetic and alone."

I hate even typing those words because they seem so pathetic. I feel like the very fact that the enemy could even put them into my mind makes me seem ridiculous.

But they are real and I promised honesty.

I hate even writing these things because I don't want to seem like some pathetic single girl who just wallows in self pity all the time. I promise I attempt at all costs to not be that person. I try to walk in victory on a daily basis, its just sometimes....i have "days".

Today is one of them.

Tonight on my job I wound up doing somethings that are more a part of my former position than my current because a friend was sick and I was covering for her.

We have a room where the clients keep all their cloths in totes and we open it nightly so they can get what they need. When the door is open the room needs to be monitored by staff so tonight I took a turn in the tote room. After a few rounds of Disney songs and Christmas carols, I had acquired for myself quite a little squad by the door with me. Two of the little girls had been given a little toy magic wand and some stickers by a teacher for Christmas. Before I knew it, they had coated all my finger nails with stickers and had put them on my hands and shirt as well.

Then they began to wave around their wand. They informed me they were giving me a crown and jewels, doing my hair and my make up. As they did this they chattered on and on. One of the little girls kept saying two things over and over. It took me a bit to register her statements but when I did I was overcome by the deeper significance of what she was saying.

All day long I had been fighting the same old feelings of being unvalued and unworthy.

As she waved her wand she would say,

"You forgot you were beautiful... 

you forgot you were a princess."

                                 

(Kids are smart, she made me take snapchat pic so I could have a crown on.)

She was right.

I did.

The concept that I have a family because I am a daughter of the King of Kings was not high on my radar screen today.

In reality, I can embrace the knowledge that I am the child of the King of Kings but struggle with the image that that makes me a princess.

I cannot see myself as a princess even a little. 

I am far from being charming and full of grace and elegance. I am clumsy, awkward, loud, my hair never lays straight, my nails chip and break, they don't make ball gowns in my size, I would look totally and completely ridiculous in a tiara. Princesses are celebrated, I am easily forgotten. There are so many reasons why I cannot see myself that way.

She was right. 

I forgot I was a beautiful princess.

I forgot that to the King of Kings I am the jewel of His creation. I forgot that if no one else ever does, he believes that I have incredible value. He doesn't call me to wear a tiara and a ball gown. He calls be to be a fierce, fervent, feisty woman who serves Him well.

I want to be a wife and mom.

I want to be a good daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

More than that though, I want to be a servant of Christ, even if that means I walk the road alone.

And on that lonely path, I know there will be difficult days. I hope that He continues to send people to remind me...

"You forgot you were a princess...you forgot you were His."

"Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and forget not His benefits." Psalm 103:2