33...and beyond

I am under no obligation to write today. Yet, there is something freeing about that that makes me want to write. It makes me want to give voice to the heart that I carried around with me all day. Today... Ooooof today was a Jonah Day. I found myself in a tailspin that I could not seem to pull out of. As I wandered through Meijer tonight because I didn't know what else to do with myself, I noticed my shoes for the second time today... Let me back up. This morning, I woke up late. I didn't manage to have time to shower, instead, I made it a priority to make breakfast. As I mentioned yesterday, this a year of fasting. What that currently means it that just "grabbing" something out and about is easier said than done. I have to give a lot of thought to the way I eat and the things I am going to put into my body. So making time to at least eat a healthy breakfast even if I don't have time to pack a healthy lunch is important. As I was getting ready, my break

Dear past me, I just sat and reread the words that I wrote to myself a year ago today, for this day. I don't know if I know how to feel. There is a very real part of me that wants to say that I have failed us. I wrote about a mountain of expectations and all the amazing things I hoped we would do. I wrote of running marathons and crushing goals... If I am going to be honest this year has been one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled, difficult years of the 33 that I have lived so far. But as I read the letter from a year ago today these words struck me: "The girl I am today is strong and loves people without restraint. Don't let that fade. I hope that as the year went on  and life threw things at you, they haven't hardened your heart, but only made you stronger. I pray this past year has taught you, more than ever, to have your eyes fixed firmly on the Lord never straying to the right or to the left. I hope you have stopped seeking approval, acceptance or fu

I am almost to the end of this first leg of my journey. 4 days. Tomorrow, I had hoped to run a Marathon but that is not the way that things worked out. Isn't it funny how our expectation of success never fits into the Lords timing. I will run that Marathon, not tomorrow, but someday. In my heart I pictured myself so different at this point. I had moments where I thought I had a glimpse of what this whole journey had all been about, only to see them dashed away before my eyes leaving me to seek understanding in the place that I found myself in. Physically I am a year older. I am firmly in my mid thirties. I feel no closer to any of the things that my heart deeply desires. Things like a healthy body, marriage, deepening purpose in my career and life plan, being a mom... all those things seem just as far today as ever. To be fair, I knew that some of them would. I knew the Lord had asked me to lay down relationships for the time being and that also meant the hope of being a