late night ramblings
I mentioned before that I live with my parents.
This week, they are out of town.
You may think, as a woman who spent several years living on her own, that this would delight me a little and you wouldn't be wrong. I crave solitude sometimes.
You might also think that I would "live it up" while they are gone. Then you would be less correct. I'm writing this at 3:00am because i just woke up with a start realizing I had passed out at like 9.
Yesterday (ok it was really the day before) I wrote about how it was musical season. Today/yesterday I was thinking about what musical season means in my life. Every Christmas for the past 18 years I have directed and sometimes starred in a musical. These are low budget affairs, so this means I become a costumer, set designer, prop master and all sorts of other things.
As I thought through, I think that between Christmas, Easter and now our summer camp, I have directed about 34 musicals. Of those I have written by myself or with a partner approximately 28. I am not even sure I could name them all.
I am not telling you this to boast. I'm telling you this to say, when I woke up just now at 3:00 am and realized I had crashed so hard at 9:00pm I came to a startling conclusion.
I'm not as young as I used to be.
Try to contain your shock.
All of the work it takes to put together this massive production, now takes a different toll on me. Here I am, parents out of town, you'd think I might go totally "rowdy teenager" on the situation but nope. I was most excited to have a nice quiet evening at home. So quiet, I passed out at 9 without even realizing it.
Yup, I'm getting old.
But it's ok, because I am also getting wiser.
When I first started directing these plays, I would do ALL the work. I turned into a straight up stress monster the day of the play because something would always go wrong and need to be fixed last minute. I would be a hateful person who was unbearable to be around. Now, I'm not saying I am perfect now, but I have vastly improved on releasing some of the pressure and sharing the load.
I believe that Lord has given me a gift of music, drama and leadership. All of these things come together in our little musicals and I love to do them.
I can't pretend that as the big days approach, that I won't be excited for it to be over. Like I said, I'm a little older and more tired than I once was. But, there is a part of me that always misses it when it's done.
I sometimes struggle to know if I am using my musical and dramatic gifting enough. I am certain that the Lord called me to be a servant and not to the spotlight, but I do occasionally wonder if I am missing some other part of the call.
I want to be obedient but I will not get lost in questioning. My voice, these plays and my dramatic flare have all provided open doors for me over the years.
When I lived in Kentucky, people who would have otherwise been very skeptical of me, as an outsider, embraced me because of my voice. We took our Christian Christmas musicals into the public schools multiple times. I have built may relationships over this connection. Even now in my work at the mission, I sing to my clients. I cannot tell you how many crying babies I have soothed to sleep in the middle of the night with my voice. Little children who come in, broken, scared and frightened have opened up and dropped their guard when I crawl down on the floor with them and sing sing their favorite Disney songs.
Yes, I'm getting older. Yes, I sometimes wondering if I am wasting my time squandering gifts the Lord has given me. I won't, however let the enemy use that thought to discourage me. What I do matters. How I use my gifts, though they are small productions and tiny audiences, sometimes even just one tiny baby, makes a difference.
This feels a bit like ramblings in the middle of the night, which is exactly what this is, but it has got me thinking. After all the years, all the productions, all the times I have wondered if I am using my gifts enough. What matters is the audience of One. People have told me over the years that I should be making heaps of money with my voice but I have never felt at peace with that. I do however feel peace in moments like yesterday when a little girl came into my office screaming, her mom was stressed and tired and the little girl was falling apart. Without moving a muscle, I looked down, locked eyes with the little girl and began to sing. Her screaming stopped, she relaxed and she began to smile.
That moment, what I was doing was of far greater value then any giant stage I could ever find myself on.
It's late, I'm rambling but these ramblings have brought a peace to my heart and been a good reminder to me. Whatever I am doing, running, singing, writing, working, acting, cleaning anything and everything needs to be done with obedience and humility for the audience of One.
I don't do this perfectly by any means, but as I have grown older, the Lord has also blessed me to grow a little wiser and more content in Him as well.
I'm going back to sleep now...
This week, they are out of town.
You may think, as a woman who spent several years living on her own, that this would delight me a little and you wouldn't be wrong. I crave solitude sometimes.
You might also think that I would "live it up" while they are gone. Then you would be less correct. I'm writing this at 3:00am because i just woke up with a start realizing I had passed out at like 9.
Yesterday (ok it was really the day before) I wrote about how it was musical season. Today/yesterday I was thinking about what musical season means in my life. Every Christmas for the past 18 years I have directed and sometimes starred in a musical. These are low budget affairs, so this means I become a costumer, set designer, prop master and all sorts of other things.
As I thought through, I think that between Christmas, Easter and now our summer camp, I have directed about 34 musicals. Of those I have written by myself or with a partner approximately 28. I am not even sure I could name them all.
I am not telling you this to boast. I'm telling you this to say, when I woke up just now at 3:00 am and realized I had crashed so hard at 9:00pm I came to a startling conclusion.
I'm not as young as I used to be.
Try to contain your shock.
All of the work it takes to put together this massive production, now takes a different toll on me. Here I am, parents out of town, you'd think I might go totally "rowdy teenager" on the situation but nope. I was most excited to have a nice quiet evening at home. So quiet, I passed out at 9 without even realizing it.
Yup, I'm getting old.
But it's ok, because I am also getting wiser.
When I first started directing these plays, I would do ALL the work. I turned into a straight up stress monster the day of the play because something would always go wrong and need to be fixed last minute. I would be a hateful person who was unbearable to be around. Now, I'm not saying I am perfect now, but I have vastly improved on releasing some of the pressure and sharing the load.
I believe that Lord has given me a gift of music, drama and leadership. All of these things come together in our little musicals and I love to do them.
I can't pretend that as the big days approach, that I won't be excited for it to be over. Like I said, I'm a little older and more tired than I once was. But, there is a part of me that always misses it when it's done.
I sometimes struggle to know if I am using my musical and dramatic gifting enough. I am certain that the Lord called me to be a servant and not to the spotlight, but I do occasionally wonder if I am missing some other part of the call.
I want to be obedient but I will not get lost in questioning. My voice, these plays and my dramatic flare have all provided open doors for me over the years.
When I lived in Kentucky, people who would have otherwise been very skeptical of me, as an outsider, embraced me because of my voice. We took our Christian Christmas musicals into the public schools multiple times. I have built may relationships over this connection. Even now in my work at the mission, I sing to my clients. I cannot tell you how many crying babies I have soothed to sleep in the middle of the night with my voice. Little children who come in, broken, scared and frightened have opened up and dropped their guard when I crawl down on the floor with them and sing sing their favorite Disney songs.
Yes, I'm getting older. Yes, I sometimes wondering if I am wasting my time squandering gifts the Lord has given me. I won't, however let the enemy use that thought to discourage me. What I do matters. How I use my gifts, though they are small productions and tiny audiences, sometimes even just one tiny baby, makes a difference.
This feels a bit like ramblings in the middle of the night, which is exactly what this is, but it has got me thinking. After all the years, all the productions, all the times I have wondered if I am using my gifts enough. What matters is the audience of One. People have told me over the years that I should be making heaps of money with my voice but I have never felt at peace with that. I do however feel peace in moments like yesterday when a little girl came into my office screaming, her mom was stressed and tired and the little girl was falling apart. Without moving a muscle, I looked down, locked eyes with the little girl and began to sing. Her screaming stopped, she relaxed and she began to smile.
That moment, what I was doing was of far greater value then any giant stage I could ever find myself on.
It's late, I'm rambling but these ramblings have brought a peace to my heart and been a good reminder to me. Whatever I am doing, running, singing, writing, working, acting, cleaning anything and everything needs to be done with obedience and humility for the audience of One.
I don't do this perfectly by any means, but as I have grown older, the Lord has also blessed me to grow a little wiser and more content in Him as well.
I'm going back to sleep now...
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