33...and beyond

I am under no obligation to write today. Yet, there is something freeing about that that makes me want to write. It makes me want to give voice to the heart that I carried around with me all day. Today... Ooooof today was a Jonah Day. I found myself in a tailspin that I could not seem to pull out of. As I wandered through Meijer tonight because I didn't know what else to do with myself, I noticed my shoes for the second time today... Let me back up. This morning, I woke up late. I didn't manage to have time to shower, instead, I made it a priority to make breakfast. As I mentioned yesterday, this a year of fasting. What that currently means it that just "grabbing" something out and about is easier said than done. I have to give a lot of thought to the way I eat and the things I am going to put into my body. So making time to at least eat a healthy breakfast even if I don't have time to pack a healthy lunch is important. As I was getting ready, my break

Dear past me, I just sat and reread the words that I wrote to myself a year ago today, for this day. I don't know if I know how to feel. There is a very real part of me that wants to say that I have failed us. I wrote about a mountain of expectations and all the amazing things I hoped we would do. I wrote of running marathons and crushing goals... If I am going to be honest this year has been one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled, difficult years of the 33 that I have lived so far. But as I read the letter from a year ago today these words struck me: "The girl I am today is strong and loves people without restraint. Don't let that fade. I hope that as the year went on  and life threw things at you, they haven't hardened your heart, but only made you stronger. I pray this past year has taught you, more than ever, to have your eyes fixed firmly on the Lord never straying to the right or to the left. I hope you have stopped seeking approval, acceptance or fu

I am almost to the end of this first leg of my journey. 4 days. Tomorrow, I had hoped to run a Marathon but that is not the way that things worked out. Isn't it funny how our expectation of success never fits into the Lords timing. I will run that Marathon, not tomorrow, but someday. In my heart I pictured myself so different at this point. I had moments where I thought I had a glimpse of what this whole journey had all been about, only to see them dashed away before my eyes leaving me to seek understanding in the place that I found myself in. Physically I am a year older. I am firmly in my mid thirties. I feel no closer to any of the things that my heart deeply desires. Things like a healthy body, marriage, deepening purpose in my career and life plan, being a mom... all those things seem just as far today as ever. To be fair, I knew that some of them would. I knew the Lord had asked me to lay down relationships for the time being and that also meant the hope of being a

Over the course of this year, I have walked through a lot of loss. In the time that I have worked at the shelter, I have not had a year like this year. I have had multiple clients die or go through incredibly horrible situations. It has happened in all manner of ways, from suicide attempts and successes, accidental overdoses, tragic accidents, violent crimes, even glorious home goings after arduous battling with cancer. If I sat and thought about it I could come up with a total count of the loss. I could come up with names, faces and stories. This is on my brain because just this morning we held a small memorial for yet another lady who is no longer with us. It got me thinking. Every story is different. Every life was unique. But if I had to guess, I think that if they all could talk to us now they would all say the same thing. Live for the Lord. Nothing. Else. Matters. There is an old quote that my dad repeats sometimes, “Only one life will soon be pas

This week has been ridiculously, unseasonably hot. I have spent way too much time complaining about and avoiding the heat. This morning as I was leading worship for church we sang the old stand by 10,000 Reasons. As we sang the first verse it struck me once again. The sun comes up it’s a new day dawning,  It’s time to sing your song again. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes. That word, whatever.  That’s a word that is said flippantly all the time but when you put it in the context that song is saying it in, it’s huge. Whatever. Not just a few things that may come into our days. WHATEVER may pass and WHATEVER lies before. After that I taught my Sunday school class a song. This song talks about following Jesus under any circumstance. There is a verse in it that really tugs at my heart. It says, When I find myself so far from home And You lead me somewhere I don't wanna go Even in my death,

Tonight my last appointment of the evening stopped me about 2 minutes into our conversation and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I'm very nervous this chair isn't going to hold me." She was very overweight. My heart welled for her as I gently found her a different chair and tried to make her feel less embarrassed. I asked her about herself and she shared a story cloaked in hopelessness. She has dealt with, and is dealing with heavy things. Near the end of it she said, "And now I have gained so much weight, I feel like I can't do anything." Here she was, a girl barely older than myself, heart aching over something my heart understands so well and yet, she would kill to be me. Yes, I am overweight and there are moments when it limits me, but I am strong. I can walk and even run. I can dance and play actively with my nieces and nephew. I have never experienced the level of difficulty she was describing. A long time ago, I think it'

If admitting something is the first step to recovery, then perhaps this week I took some steps in my battle with food addiction. Its something that is hard for me to talk about, think about, pray about, be about. It feels so shameful to struggle with something as basic as eating, Literally everyone does it. Most people don't have a problem with it.  I do. It's a sin issue. It's a heart issue. Maybe somewhere along this journey I have already said these words, but I have been backsliding and need to say them again. Shame overtakes me in this battle and I know that it shouldn't. It shouldn't be allowed to have this much control. But when I don't talk about it, then I don't deal with it. It makes me hate myself. I have, at periods in my adult life actually asked the Lord why he didn't allow me to struggle with something less obvious. There are struggles you can hide, cover up or where people don't immediately know that thing

I have been actively avoiding writing this. I've been avoiding a lot of things. This morning, I avoided the scale again. I am less than a month away from turning 34. I know that this "journey" has been to start me on the pathway of something far greater. Nothing has been what I expected or set out thinking I would accomplish. The warfare has been strong and real. The word failure plays in the back of my mind on repeat. In my heart, I KNOW that this has been anything but a failure. I know that it is a classic example of how our ways are not His ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts. But rolling on to the next phase seems scary and unknown. I envisioned myself rolling across the finish line victorious and strong, but at this point I feel like the victory is alluding me. Although, when I take an honest assessment of things there is victory there. There is victory in all the realizations that have happened over the last 12 months. Realizations that a lot

As I have mentioned, getting back on the horse in this journey has not been easy. The idea of pressing on and moving forward has seemed challenging. I am not that far from the “end’ of this thirty third year. I cannot help but have mixed emotions about that. I KNOW what God has done and that this year is only a start of a journey and not a journey to a destination but it is easy for me to think of all the many ways I have failed in light of my early victories. The miles I ran, the plans I had, the success I felt I was achieving. But as I think about moving forward I cannot help but think of Philippians 3, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead…” Sometimes I think "forgetting what is behind" gets pigeon holed into defining moments of failue. Sometimes that is the case but I think that it can also speak to our successes. It's easy to become like the quarterback who had their glory days in high school becuase they were the prom king a

A week ago, in a blaze of exhaustion and tears, I wrote about weariness. I wrote about failure. I wrote about striving.  I admit it, I am a striver from way back. But I tend to strive to a point of breaking and then slip into that dreaded "survival mode" that tends to look a LOT like shutting down. I somehow can manage to keep all the balls in the air and all the plates spinning but in my own heart there is an emptiness and a brokenness. So, for the last week, I have tried to find rest and stillness. Tried is a key statement here because it is not easy for me but somewhere in this all I managed to release the guilt I felt over all my failures in this journey. Failure to run, to eat healthy, to write. Failure to CRUSH all my goals and see the changes I expected to see. Failure to meet my own expectations. My ability to release the guilt came from that truth of that last statement. Everything that was making me feel like such a failure was based on expect

I'm a mess. It's been coming on all summer. It's not something that I could make better through sheer grit, determination or will power. I keep trying to fix it and I keep finding myself drowning. Leasing up to Joni and friends, the load had been heavy. Since then...it is like I am waiting for a breath or a calm in the storm, but there is not even a glimmer of it on the horizon. It is not that ridiculously tragedy has befallen me. In my world that is relative. But the big things, my family, my close friends, the things I hold the dearest are all safe and sound. At Joni and friends a very strong woman in the Lord shared a vision the Lord had given her for me. It was me, riding on the back of a fire engine. I wasn't the one putting out the fires, I was simply along for the ride. Yesterday some friends who sensed that I was at the end of myself asked me how I was. I told one of them, I feel like I am standing in front of a burning house, there is no fire engine

Clearly I have struggling at life lately. Since Joni and Friends, I have not stopped. I returned home and went straight to work. I worked long days and went straight to Milwaukee with my cousin Laura for her bone marrow donation surgery. When I got home from that, at 11:30 pm on Sunday night, I got up and went straight to work by 8 am Monday morning. After working all week, that weekend, it became evident Laura wasn't healing properly and the next week every free moment was spent trying to help her through her pain, helping her to the bathroom at night while she sobbed and the even sleeping in a chair at the hospital while the doctors tried to help her and figure out what the issue was. Then music and drama camp happened and I spent the week with 35 kiddos who challenged me at every end. From camp, I went straight to work at the mission each day until midnight.  Suffice it to say, I am exhausted, and my goals and obedience have been nonexistent. My life has just piled

I'm here. I'm writing. I'm showing up today because I am DESPERATELY trying to regain this discipline.  Today wasn't perfect.  I didn't check all the boxes I wanted, but I know that I was where I needed to be.  Tonight where I need to be is on a couch, trying to listen for my phone or a familiar voice calling my name. It may happen periodically all night long. I may need to assist getting water, meds, getting up to the bathroom, all kinds of other useful things for someone who finds themselves a bit of an invalid.  My cousin, Laura, donated her bone marrow to a total and has had a difficult time since. Something is wrong in her hip and she is struggling to walk.  So that's where I need to be today.  Did I eat perfectly? Nope. Did I accomplish everything else I hoped to accomplish? Nope. But I am ok with that. This is greater. This is better. This is good. This is the kind of person I want to be.  I want to be the one who

Well, I’ll be real…I have been sucking. I have been struggling so hard to get back on track with all my goals. It is ALWAYS something. I too busy. I’m too tired. Life is too much right now. I know its warfare. Particularly on the writing front. A while back, I wrote about how I “knew” what this was all about. I wrote about a clarity that I had gained about where I was heading and what the some of the “end game” of all of this is. I was reminded this weekend about that. I had the chance to speak in a church. When I teach about Christ, when I write, when I share my heart with others in this way…it feels like home. I know that this is the direction I am supposed to be moving and I know this journey is about the discipline I need to have to get there. Since that moment of clarity…It has been a fight. Its been a wild and intense struggle to accomplish what I am supposed to accomplish each day. So today, I am starting over. I am going back to my check

It's been...way too long since I wrote. Life sorta took over and knocked me out of the habit. The only way I know to get get back on track is to not quit and keep trying. It would be easy for me to point out all my failure to myself, but I won't.  It won't make me better.  Life HAS been a lot lately. More than I can even explain.  There been warfare, heartache, tragedy, insane busyness. I've made it through Joni and friend and through a crazy week of work following it and now I am writing these words on a park bench in Milwaukee.  Milwaukee is an odd place to me. I can't seem to reconcile myself to the fact that it's a "big city." It has some tall buildings, some beautiful architecture, a pleasant river walk and I am sure a great many things I have NOT seen, because I am not here to see the sights.  In everything that has happened in he last month or so, I have loosened my grasp on a few things that matter. My goals and

So I haven't written in several days, because Joni and Friends. It has my heart, my. Rain and all of my energy this week. Each night I simply collapse into my bed after long and full days. There have been challenges, but there always are in leadership. Still, my heart is full of the joy of the lord and what he is doing in this place. Hearts are being touched. Restoration given. Much needed rest is happening. It is good. I'm tired. But my heart is full.

I. Am. Exhausted. It's been a full day. There was a storage unit to unload, a horse ramp to assemble, hugs to give, tacos to eat, worship to lead, meetings to attend, tears to be shed...all in all, an extremely full day. I have to sort of laugh when I remember that I titled last nights blog "bubble." The Lord affirmed that in so many ways to me today. Tonight as I gross cried every ounce of make up off my face, while faithful and powerful followers of Jesus prayed for my weary heart and spoke truth over me, I was shown a bubble of protection surrounding this place. The last several weeks have been almost traumatic with the level of sadness and pain they have held for me. The burden has felt very heavy at times. But tonight I crawl into bed with a heart that still feels the pain of these weeks, but the darkness and the weight has lifted a bit. My heart is light. It is no longer consumed by all the pain I think I need to carry, Jesus showed me He wants to carry

So many things that make my heart ache have happened lately. The last two posts that I wrote were about the weary and messy heart that I seem to be carrying around with me. I believe it has been warfare and I believe it was leading up to today. It's time for Joni and Friends. It's something I adore and look forward to all year. I feel like god is up to something pretty amazing because of the intense level of warfare that is happening to not only myself but many of the other people in leadership positions. I am praying that God will do amazing things in this week, not only in the camp, but also in my heart and life. Someone said to me that I was entering my JAF bubble this week. In some ways I hope so. I want to flea all the chaos as see the works of the Lords hands in motion. I want to rest and be restored. I want to see a glimpse of the kingdom of God. But more than that, I want what the Lord wants. If it is brokerneas then let me break. If it is whole hearted follower

I think I just keep saying this. My heart feels like it has been dragged through the mud and stomped on. It's tired and sad. Things that break my heart keep happening and I feel the need to run away and rest. Yet instead I am getting ready to go dive into a few full weeks of giving deeply of myself and sacrificing sleep. I know it will fill me. I know it will bless and realign me. But my heart is weary and I am just struggling to make it there at this point. This week I lost my pastor that I served with in KY. He was always quick to remind us that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I know it is true. I don't doubt it for a minute. But I'm weary. Resting my heart in the arms of Jesus. He see me. He knows me. He loves me.

Im not sure what Jesus is up to. I'm rather short in words right now. Once again, I find myself in a season that seems to come with a lot of warfare. I can't and won't explain it all but my heart feels like it has been dragged through the mud. Even physically I have struggled with migraines the likes of which I haven't had in ages. Now this week walking through a loss from a distance has made my heart hurt so badly. I know that God is good. I know that joy is still mine, nothing can take it. I know the Lord continues to remind me of His faithfulness, but I confess that I am weary. I confess that my heart is overwhelmed. I confess that the piles seems high. But I am reminded of four wise thoughts tonight. 1. I don’t need everything I want. 2. I don’t want everything I need. 3. God doesn’t give me everything I want… and thank God for it. 4. God always gives me what I need. I know that even when the world isn't really making sense to me, Jes

Last night I simply forgot to post. I was tired. It was a long day. It's been a long and busy weekend. I'm actually writing these words from a McDonald's drive through where I am getting coffee to keep me alive as I drive back from Chicago. I didn't want to miss another day because I want to stay in the practice and dedication of writing these words. So here it is. It's a bit phoned in but it's something... Got to go, coffee is ready 😜

Today is my little nephew's birthday.  Ok...so he is not so little anymore. 6 years have flown by so fast. He went from 21 inches tall to over 4 feet so fast. He says the most hilarious and thought provoking things. He is sweet and sensitive and I am so proud of this little guy.  Today I want to spend the rest of this blog writing a letter to this little man. Danny, I sometimes tease you that I am going to put a book on your head to keep you from growing up. There is a real part of me that wants to freeze time and keep you a little boy forever. You give the best hugs and kisses but are quickly approaching the age where you are just a little too cool to. Yet, even if I could stop time and keep you my sweet funny little boy, I wouldn't. You see every passing day and year I am amazed at the person you are becoming. You have such a sweet and sensitive spirit. You are a deep thinker and so smart it never ceases to amaze me. You are so hilarious and weird.