33...and beyond

Some thoughts from the word tonight... Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity. What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises, and the sun goes down, and hastens to the place where it rises. The wind blows to the south and goes around to the north; around and around goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they flow again. All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a thing of which it is said, "See, this is new"? It has been already in the ages before us. There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any re

Tonight is (maybe was I have no clue how long these things go) the Oscar's. I mentioned last week that I had recently seen a film that is expected to do well, (I have no clue is it will or did but I digress) LaLa Land. Today, I was thinking about the movie, because of the fact that the Oscar's were tonight and a thought came to me. Ok...spoiler alert. I heard people express that they didn't like the ending. Honestly, to me, it was neither here nor there because the ending is just life. The story doesn't always have the ending you want. Today however, what struck me was WHY this story had a bittersweet ending. Without ruining the entire film and going into a MILLION details I'll break it down to this. This couple didn't get to live their happily ever after because of assumptions. One assumed there was an expectation and feelings the other never voiced or even really felt. As a result, a decision was made that compromised identity and broke down the

Today, I had lots of intentions of being productive. I also had a DEEP desire to do absolutely nothing. I have been pushing hard and not really sitting still for a few weeks. Today, the laundry didn't get done. The things I thought I needed to do, still need to be done. In some small way, I feel like I turned a tiny corner today. I rested. I took care of me. Yes, laundry is a part of self care and I WILL do it. Today, however, I did the self care that I often let slide. I painted my nails, I did a facial mask, I used my Himalayan salt scrub and exfoliated. In a nutshell, I pampered myself a bit. And you know what? It felt nice. It felt good for my skin to feel soft and look dewy. It felt nice to paint my nails a color I wasn't sure I would like. It felt nice to let my hair flow free. Even with no makeup, I found myself feeling confident and pretty. That's a bigger deal than I can explain to you. That is not a feeling I often have. Today, I didn't need

In order to appreciate this story you have to know something about me. I am almost blind. Like, for real. My vision is AWFUL. I'm telling you this story because it fits hand and hand with one of my favorite illustrations about the sovereignty of God. Another thing you may or may not know about me is that, though I may struggle in my journey at times, I have a deep unwavering faith that God is fully sovereign and in control. Alright, my story. When I was in high school or perhaps just recently graduated, I was spending the night at my youth directors house. We were having a lock in of sorts. We had done Bible study and had prayer time, played all sorts of game and all the things you would expect to do. Not everyone stayed all night and at some point there were only a few of us left. It looked like we were headed toward going to bed somewhere around 3:30 or so and I could not stand having my contacts in any long so I took them out. I use a type of solution that once

When I started this journey several months ago, I was a different person than I am today. I feel like I have lived a lot of life since then. I suppose that is true of any year really but this year I am taking the time to be more intentional and I seem to be noticing my life more. I guess if I am being frank, when I look back on the girl I was at the beginning of this, although my deepest baseline intention was to submit myself to the Lord, there was also a very real expectation of an overhaul in my body. I had set all these goals and worked hard to accomplish them with perfection. Here is what I have learned so far. Perfection in unattainable. No matter how hard you want it or try, it is a standard you cannot fuly reach. Perfection isn’t necessary. Many of the biggest lessons I have learned along the way have been in my moments of deepest failure or the darkest places my heart has reached. Perfection doesn’t always mean progress. That is the thought that I cann

I had something in mind this morning that I wanted to write about. Now as I take this moment to do so, I can't for the life of me think what it was. I suppose the Lord will bring it back to my mind in time and I will share it then. Tonight, I have few words. It's not because today was good, or bad. It's because today was average. No deep valleys. No soaring mountain tops. Just an average, run of the mill day with nothing of great consequence to say. I wonder what tomorrow will hold.

I can't remember much about studying Shakespeare in high school. There is, however, something about the words of his Sonnet 116 that sometimes dance through my mind. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken. The words are so beautiful and the meaning so deep. So many times in the last few days I have turned my thoughts to love. More specifically, I have turned my thoughts to God's love for His children. Over the course of a variety of conversations, my heart keeps returning to the depth of His love for us. It is an ever fixed mark that looks not at tempests and is never shaken. His love never fails. It can't. But it so beyond our comprehension. We want to fit His love isn't the measurements of our ideals and He cannot and will not fit. Just like Shakespeare said, it does not alter. As humans we know broke love based on emotion

Tonight I started a book club with a few sweet friends that I am blessed to have. We are reading a book called "Present Over Perfect." Shauna, the books author tells a story early in the book about someone who challenge her to stop, right where she was and change her life from the inside out. I know that that is what this journey is all about. Tonight as I talked to the girls I acknowledged that this journey has been nothing that I expected. It's been very hard. I have walked through and done things I never anticipated and have had slow to no progress in ways that I thought I would have break through. As we talked tonight though I realized how much I have grown, and how much further I have to go. I have learned a lot. I have released many things. There are, however, some that I still REALLY struggle with. Tonight one of the girls in the group called me out. There was a passage in the book that spoke VERBATIM, words that I have said and things I have believed about

I had some grand plans this evening of accomplishing somethings I have been putting off all week. Have I mentioned it's been a full week? Instead however, I went to the movies. I finally got to see the critically acclaimed LaLa Land. I won't spend much time describing the movie because that's not the point. What I will tell you is that it's a musical that brings a story line from now and unites it with the musical genres of the past. My heart was full. The music and presentation always evokes something in me. Emotion, passion, I am not entirely sure what. Suffice it to say, it speaks to me. I'm not writing this tonight to just give you a recap of my day. I am writing this because things like this always awaken something inside of me. I have an intense passion for music. It's like I can't help it. It speaks to me on a level that almost nothing else can. Tonight, I got in my car and listened to the instrumental theme from the movie again, and tears r

I didn't manage to write last night. I started my day early and ended it late. When I got home, I fell into my bed and went to sleep with little other thought. It doesn't feel wasted though and I don't feel failure. You see, I spent the day productively. I visited friends for the day. We had fun and fellowship. There was joy. I am grateful for the way the Lord has blessed me with precious friendships. He has given me people in unexpected ways and places. He has blessed me beyond what I deserve. Most of my closest friends are spread far and the times I spend with them are precious to me. Yesterday, that was my number one priority. And I think that was greater than checking off any goal.

It is finished. Not really but for me, for this week, it is. It's been long. There has been one massive unexpected obstacle. But I made it. There is still much to be done. There are details to perfect and problems to solve, but we are on our way. I wrote on Tuesday that I didn't fully understand God's timing in things but I would trust it and stand in it nonetheless. Today, as I collapse in my bed once again, I can't help but think of the way God has been faithful. Things rarely go according to my plan but He always knows what He is doing. Today I had so much joy. Today I was reminded that God is good ALL the time. As I drift off to sleep it will be with a smile, my God is for me. I know He is.

Today, something was stirring in me. Spring fever perhaps? I'm not entirely sure what. I wanted to turn up the music in my car and just DANCE. I'm not sure why. I wanted to laugh and tell silly stories. I wanted to roll the windows down and let the wind blow my hair, but I didn't cause it was too cold. I'm not sure what it was that made me feel this way. Today was just another busy day. As I came in the house tonight, I saw the moon hanging low in the sky. It was beautiful and golden hanging there just above the horizon. The sky was cloudless and I scanned the heavens. The beauty amazed me. I will never grow weary of looking at the stars. As I crawl in bed tonight reflecting on my mood today, it strikes me that I felt almost childlike. I took joy in very simple pleasures today. There was nothing grandiose or amazing, just sweet. Simple. I adore the simple things. The smell of the worlds after it rains. The sky filled with sunshine after weeks of

I didn't manage words last night. The day was long and hard and I was exhausted and struggling. This has been a good week, but it has not been an easy week. The obstacles I have faced have have not been life or death. There have been little moments of grace along the way. I have, however, been continue to struggle through the pressures of this week, in light of the obstacles. I'll be honest, I want pretty much nothing more than to lay in my bed for twenty four hours. I am weary, emotionally and physically. But I can't. So on I shall press. I would take a little prayer though.

Many times over the course of this day, people have wished me "happy Valentines day." Truly, I try not to give Valentines day much thought. Its a day that doesnt really belong to me.  I try very hard on Valentine's day not to sit around fixating on my singleness, but very often it seems to get tossed in my face all day long. Sometimes it's by well meaning people. Other times it's just the circumstances of both. Honestly...today was REALLY not my favorite day. I would rank it up there with the Valentine's day I found myself stranded up a holler in Appalachia with a flat tire and no way to call anyone and no one really to call. I learned quickly as a single sister how to change my own tire. I will spare the you gorey details of this day, but suffice it to say it has not been great. Something that I found myself saying over and over again was,  "Really? Why on earth did this have to happen today?"   It was nothing disasterous,

I just clocked out and I am sitting at my desk writing these words on my work computer. If I make it home and lay eyes on my bed, these words wont happen. At bare minimum, if they did, they would be rushed and phoned in they way they sometimes can be. Today was the culmination of a lot of hard work. Since September I have poured countless hours into customizing our new system for client tracking at the mission. It may sound nerdy and boring to you and in truth it may even be a bit, BUT it will revitalize the quality of service we are able to give to our clients. We have been entering client data into our system for about a month now but tonight was more. Tonight we started down the road of tracking real time data and information. I know, I know, you have to be thinking, cool...get to the point nerd. The point is this. I have anticipated every angle of this night. I have thought through all of the catastrophes that could take place.I have spent hours ironing out details an

Today I haven't crushed my life. In fact, if I am being real I basically failed. I struggle with migraines and I woke up this morning in shooting pain. I could barely be upright all day because it made me feel like I was going to be sick. I don't get migraines like this very often but when I do I decommission me, sometimes for quite a bit of time. As I am laying in my bed, where I have been the whole day, about to turn in for the night, I am fighting those feelings of failure. And yet, instead of succumbing to those feelings, I am attempting to cover my heart in truth. Sometimes thing are out of our control. When I get a headache like this, all I can do is wait for it to pass. I can't always figure out why it came. I can't always treat it. All I can do is wait. As I lay here, rather frustrated, I'm struck by a lesson in all of this. Sometimes uncomfortable things happen to us in life that are totally out of our control. We can't change them. We d

Well, it was another "fell asleep trying to put words on the screen" kind of night. You won't get to see any of those words because what made it to the screen was very minimal, a coma overtook me before I got to far. I was sleepy. It wasn't because Saturday was such a busy day though. It was actually super chill. I played outside with my niece and nephew and went and got a pedicure with my built in bestie. I have tons of things that I need to be doing. All kinds of pressure for the week ahead, but some how, for a few moments, I was able to stop and enjoy life a little. I don't always take time to take those moments and I need to. Life is meant to be lived well. Living  well consist of more than just constant work and pressure. I don't always keep that in perspective and I need to. Ok, I know they have been short lately but I am going to turn off my light (yup it's been on all night) and try to get a bit more sleep

I'm going to keep this very short tonight. Last Friday it was short because I was having girls night. Tonight it is short because I am taking some quiet time. I often long for an "abandoned house" where I can go and just be still. Tonight, even for just a few hours I am taking these moments of abandon. No noise, few distractions, just me, a very quiet little pup named and some reading. I need moments of solitude, more than I can even express. I realized when I am in those moments just how much I crave and value them. So I'm signing off now, I'm going to sit here in the stillness...

I haven't talked much about healthy eating of late but that is, of course, a part of this journey. I have eaten "clean" and pretty healthy since starting and I'll be frank the results up until this point have been underwhelming. Recently I switched my "clean" approach slightly and began to see ever so slight a result, life of course entered, I got a little less careful and my results slowed again. Soooo this week I decided it really work hard at it. I won't bore you with all the details of my current eating habits but I will tell you it requires me to keep and I on the proportions of my macros. I, of course, have an app for that. I have, however, found it a little tricky. The current plan I am on flies in the face of a lot of what I had been doing in the past. It is hard for me to retrain my brain to do things like consuming MORE fat, healthy or otherwise. I have been tracking closely all week and today, I did it. I managed to hit my macros with

It's the middle of the night. I came home and fell asleep without much warning. I just woke up panicked that I didn't write yet. This week has been about embracing grace. Last night I wrote about choosing something better. Today I was so glad I did. The work I thought would need to come home with me didn't and guess what, I managed it today in record time. I'm learning to see things as God sees them. I see a giant mountain and he sees a speed bump. I need to learn perspective and trust that when I choose the greater thing He will work it out. Ok I'm going back to sleep

Tonight, I have things that I could have done. Some of the piles could've come home from work with me, or some of the piles here could've been taken care of. There is laundry like to be folded and put away, plenty to do. I even intended that to night would be the day I would unpack what the Lord taught me this weekend. But I'm tired and I won't. Yesterday, my sister-in-law sent me a video of my niece "talking to me on the phone". She said she has been repeatedly "calling" me. Then she told me that Gracie said to her, "I see Linda tomorrow?" I told her yes, I would come today. I almost didn't. I almost decided that I needed to spend the evening doing something "productive". But as I sat on the couch, with my niece cuddled on one side and my nephew on the other watching Trolls, I realized there is nothing more productive I could be doing. Spending time with this sweet littles so that they can say with confidence, &

I am tired. There, I said it. It has been a super long day. I have a lot to accomplish still ahead of me this week. I'll be real, I sort of wish it was Friday already. This may account for my yearning to wander last night. As I chatted with my friend this evening I described all the things I need to do this week as, "being out in the ocean just flailing around trying to keep my head up." She wisely reminded me that sometimes the flailing is also the thing that drowns. Sometimes we just need to float. It's a great reminder. I said to another person today that I am trying not to stress because the world won't end if it doesn't all get done. I need to make sure that I am calm, trusting my Savior and perhaps even floating in the waters that threatens to take me under. In order to float you have to be still. That is something I struggle with. You also have to relax and breath. So as the deadlines loom and piles grow, I'm going to make every ef

I'm not writing the continuation from last night. Not yet. I'm still chewing on it all. I suppose in some ways what I have to say is a little snippet of it but it's still coming together in my mind. It seems that every so often, frequently following something like this weekend, I get an itch. I don't know if these feelings are unique to me or if most of us have them. I can say that as far as I am concerned, I have a wandering heart. Every so often, something rises up in me that wants to pack my bags and just wander the world. I long to see different cultures and people. I want to experience things I've never known before. Yet, I am here. In the same place. There is nothing wrong with this place. It is filled with what I love most in this world and yet... my heart quickens for something else, something more. This weekend we heard a lot of great speakers. My favorite of them said a lot that resonated with me but I will only share a snippet now. See, th

I am just crawling into bed after a lonnnnng weekend. I told you last night that I was having girls night. I also mentioned I had lots of thoughts. The reason for both was because I just spent the last 24 odd hours at a women's gathering. I am walking away feeling all kinds of different things. I am unpacking them in my heart and I know that what the Lord has spoken to me will come pouring out at some point. Now isn't that moment. I need to let them marinade. I need to let the full taste of what I took away settle deep into my heart. I don't want to simply spend some time on the mountain and come away unchanged. I want to keep the good and let it infiltrate my heart. I want to cast of anything sent to distract. I want to know the Lords heart for me in every part. I want to hold everything I heard up to the light of my Lord and ask Him what it means to me. I want the Holy Spirit to continue teaching me in the days and weeks to come. I want to take what I learned in t

I have thoughts... Lots of them. But I will share them later. I'm having a girls night. :) That's all.

I fell asleep with my phone in my hand last night and two lines down on the page. Sometimes, we simply have to succumb to the inevitable and sleep. I'm not the greatest sleeper in the world but occasionally I do it very well. Last night was one of those times and I am grateful. Yes, I prefer to accomplish my goal and get the words on the paper on a daily basis but some days it doesn't work that way. That's ok. I think when I set out on this journey hoping for perfection. For a long time, I was achieving it. But some where along the way I have failed at each of the 7 things I set out to do daily in one way or another. But guess what, I press on. Today is a new day and I am posting these words for yesterday. I'll post more words today. It's going to be ok. I'm here to tell the story of a journey. It's a broken and flawed joint eh at times but my Savior is always full of mercy for that brokenness. There is grace for those moments where we fail the p

I was asked the same question multiple times this afternoon. It was a deep and pressing question. Are you ready for it....? It was... What's that on your shoulder, Linda? The answer... SNOT. Since about 11:15 this morning, I have been walking around with a stain of snot on my shoulder. In my current position, I encounter this much less than I used to but today it couldn't be helped. I was on a mission to finish my end of month stats and needed to ensure that this would accomplished before a noon meeting. I had one last number that needed to be gathered and as I went to get them I passed into an area of the building where the mothers frequently sit with their small children during the day if they are not otherwise engaged. As I entered the area there was NO escaping the sound of a screaming child. This child was inconsolable and its mother was no where to be found. Several ladies were gathered around him, staff and client alike. I asked who was in charge of this

Well, the need to sleep overtook me beyond the need to write. I crashed in a pretty real way and now it's well into the night and I have pulled myself awake to write something. Tonight I was talking to a few different friends. We have all been on a journey toward weight loss of some sort. We've seen mixed results. This week, after finally starting to see some motion on the scale, nothing happened for me. Now, of the friends I had been conversing them, one had lost weight this week and the other gained a pound. It was interesting as I talked to them. The one who had lost weight showed concern that I was down after seeing no movement on the scale. The one who had gained told me that her hope was wavering. I cannot pretend like my hope doesn't waver at times. This has been a long, broken journey for me, one that I don't always see results on. Sometimes I work super hard and follow all the rules and I gain weight. As I consider both of those conversation tonight