typecasting

Musical 2017 is in the books.

I did not fall of the stage tonight.

Now it is time for some self actualization.

As I laid prostrate on the floor tonight in total exhaustion, talking through with some of the cast members how the evening went, we began to reminisce about some of the musicals we have done in the past. As we did, I had a moment of clarity about something that I had found myself struggling with most of the day.

You see, after my little tumble to the floor last night, the enemy began to whisper some really very ugly things in my ear.

"You are so fat and clumsy. Of course you fell. You are just ridiculous up on that stage. You have no business up there. This is why you could never do anything more than some silly church plays..."

On and on it went. I knew it was warfare. I knew it was sent to knock me off my square but it really sent my heart to an ugly place.

I pushed it all aside so that I could pull myself together and power through today's performance. 

Without being boastful, I knew that I was good at my part. I knew that I would get laughs without much effort. The character we had written was funny and my delivery got funnier every time we did it.

As we sat chatting at the end of the play, I realized that was it. That was why my heart went to such an ugly place.

After I fell and the enemy started in with his accusations, it was very easy for me to believe what he was saying because in my heart it's what I really think about myself. I was reminded during our journey down memory lane just how many times I have written a character for myself who is typecast as the chubby, bubbly, slapstick, quick laugh, side kick. There is nothing wrong with this, I play those roles really well. But in my heart somewhere I think I finally realized,

Little girls want to be Audrey Hepburn when they grown up, not Melissa McCarthy.

They want to have style poise and grace, not wear the nerd glasses and fall off the stage. They want the hero of the story to follow them like a lost puppy, enrapt by their mysterious elegance or their adorable giggle and glistening eyes, not fall on their face in front of him and make a joke at their own expense to keep things from being awkward. I think I realized the reason my heart went so easily to such a dark place was because I felt like I had just put an exclamation point when I fell on my butt on all the belief that lives in my heart that I am not a leading lady, I'm just the chubby, laughable side kick.

The enemy has used this scripture over and over in my mind for years,

"Does the potter not have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some for special purposes and some for common use?" Romans 9:21

He has all but convinced me that I am one of those who is created for common use.

I am good at carrying heavy things. If you have a ridiculous deadline that needs to be met and you need someone who will work like a horse to make it happen, I'm you girl. If you have something gross that needs cleaned up, I probably have sterile gloves in my pocket already. If you need someone who has no shame to prance in front of people like a clown to keep them entertained, I can do that in my sleep.

I was made for hard labor and cheap laughs...aka common use.

I would venture a guess that my feelings on this probably break the heart of the Lord. I KNOW that that is not how He sees me. I know that when He looks at me He sees His precious daughter, set apart to serve Him from before I was born. He see wit, charisma and work ethic that were gifted to me with a plan and purpose. He sees things about me that I have yet to see.

I will not pretend that as I write this that I have really embraced His vision of me. But I want to. I want to celebrate and not be ashamed of the things that feel so common place to me. I want to be confident in my own skin even if it is a lot more Melissa than Audrey. I want to OWN all the things about me that don't make me inferior but rather they make me unique. I want to stop being ashamed to be the chubby side kick and not be afraid to redefine the role of a leading lady.

I am not simply typecast into silly characters because that is all I can play. I can play whatever role the Lord asks me to. I was not born to sit in the background.

I was born to shine and make other people shine, whatever that looks like for them.

Yup the potter can make us all for different purposes but perhaps what seems common to me is special to someone else.

Perhaps the Lord says, "Oh my daughter, the role you see as unimportant is the role of a lifetime."

Whether I fall of a stage or lick all the spoons and eat off all the plates in in "Uncle Joe's Diner" (yes, that happened, I told you I wasn't too proud to go for a cheap laugh) I am a leading lady in my Father's eyes.

Someday, I may even believe thats true.