33...and beyond

Dear past me, I just sat and reread the words that I wrote to myself a year ago today, for this day. I don't know if I know how to feel. There is a very real part of me that wants to say that I have failed us. I wrote about a mountain of expectations and all the amazing things I hoped we would do. I wrote of running marathons and crushing goals... If I am going to be honest this year has been one of the hardest, spiritual warfare filled, difficult years of the 33 that I have lived so far. But as I read the letter from a year ago today these words struck me: "The girl I am today is strong and loves people without restraint. Don't let that fade. I hope that as the year went on  and life threw things at you, they haven't hardened your heart, but only made you stronger. I pray this past year has taught you, more than ever, to have your eyes fixed firmly on the Lord never straying to the right or to the left. I hope you have stopped seeking approval, acceptance or fu

I am almost to the end of this first leg of my journey. 4 days. Tomorrow, I had hoped to run a Marathon but that is not the way that things worked out. Isn't it funny how our expectation of success never fits into the Lords timing. I will run that Marathon, not tomorrow, but someday. In my heart I pictured myself so different at this point. I had moments where I thought I had a glimpse of what this whole journey had all been about, only to see them dashed away before my eyes leaving me to seek understanding in the place that I found myself in. Physically I am a year older. I am firmly in my mid thirties. I feel no closer to any of the things that my heart deeply desires. Things like a healthy body, marriage, deepening purpose in my career and life plan, being a mom... all those things seem just as far today as ever. To be fair, I knew that some of them would. I knew the Lord had asked me to lay down relationships for the time being and that also meant the hope of being a

Over the course of this year, I have walked through a lot of loss. In the time that I have worked at the shelter, I have not had a year like this year. I have had multiple clients die or go through incredibly horrible situations. It has happened in all manner of ways, from suicide attempts and successes, accidental overdoses, tragic accidents, violent crimes, even glorious home goings after arduous battling with cancer. If I sat and thought about it I could come up with a total count of the loss. I could come up with names, faces and stories. This is on my brain because just this morning we held a small memorial for yet another lady who is no longer with us. It got me thinking. Every story is different. Every life was unique. But if I had to guess, I think that if they all could talk to us now they would all say the same thing. Live for the Lord. Nothing. Else. Matters. There is an old quote that my dad repeats sometimes, “Only one life will soon be pas

This week has been ridiculously, unseasonably hot. I have spent way too much time complaining about and avoiding the heat. This morning as I was leading worship for church we sang the old stand by 10,000 Reasons. As we sang the first verse it struck me once again. The sun comes up it’s a new day dawning,  It’s time to sing your song again. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes. That word, whatever.  That’s a word that is said flippantly all the time but when you put it in the context that song is saying it in, it’s huge. Whatever. Not just a few things that may come into our days. WHATEVER may pass and WHATEVER lies before. After that I taught my Sunday school class a song. This song talks about following Jesus under any circumstance. There is a verse in it that really tugs at my heart. It says, When I find myself so far from home And You lead me somewhere I don't wanna go Even in my death,

Tonight my last appointment of the evening stopped me about 2 minutes into our conversation and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I'm very nervous this chair isn't going to hold me." She was very overweight. My heart welled for her as I gently found her a different chair and tried to make her feel less embarrassed. I asked her about herself and she shared a story cloaked in hopelessness. She has dealt with, and is dealing with heavy things. Near the end of it she said, "And now I have gained so much weight, I feel like I can't do anything." Here she was, a girl barely older than myself, heart aching over something my heart understands so well and yet, she would kill to be me. Yes, I am overweight and there are moments when it limits me, but I am strong. I can walk and even run. I can dance and play actively with my nieces and nephew. I have never experienced the level of difficulty she was describing. A long time ago, I think it'

If admitting something is the first step to recovery, then perhaps this week I took some steps in my battle with food addiction. Its something that is hard for me to talk about, think about, pray about, be about. It feels so shameful to struggle with something as basic as eating, Literally everyone does it. Most people don't have a problem with it.  I do. It's a sin issue. It's a heart issue. Maybe somewhere along this journey I have already said these words, but I have been backsliding and need to say them again. Shame overtakes me in this battle and I know that it shouldn't. It shouldn't be allowed to have this much control. But when I don't talk about it, then I don't deal with it. It makes me hate myself. I have, at periods in my adult life actually asked the Lord why he didn't allow me to struggle with something less obvious. There are struggles you can hide, cover up or where people don't immediately know that thing