33...and beyond

I've been procrastinating putting words on the page today because I don't have any deep thought to write about today. I think sometimes that's ok. Today has been a day of reflection. It not necessarily enlightenment or answers. That's good to. Tonight, I'll let my words be few. I don't and won't always have wisdom, wit or answers, but I think that is good.

This evening I was having a conversation with my cousin and somehow, once again, it took a turn to the subject of our physical insecurities. I will be real. I have a lot of them. I will spare you the list or too many details about this conversation except to say that I wound up making her very frustrated by the fact that I do not see much beauty in myself. I am fully aware that the features that recommend me to others will never come from surface level interactions. I am not a ravishing physical beauty, nor will I ever be no matter how successful I am at shedding pounds, getting fit or applying makeup. I am not saying these things to be self deprecating at all. Please here me qualify the difference between my physical beauty and ACTUAL beauty. I know that I have beauty. I know there are things about me that make me incredibly unique and rare and lovely. I even know that there are things about my physical appearance that are pretty. I also, however, know that people will most likely

I haven't had much to say about my healthy eating journey of late. People are rarely super interested in whatever "healthy eating plan" someone is on. Sometimes people ask "what are you doing?" And then you watch their eyes glaze over as you explain. I'm not going to explain my diet, or tell you everything I had to eat today, but I am going to share about healthy eating. Did you ever read the nursery rhyme about the kittens who lost their mittens? When I was little I thought the line, "You shall have NO pie" actually said, "you shall have TOE pie." That's really the only line I remember from that story. It today it was real. Today I had a dinner with the members of our church board. We went to Amish country to a restaurant know for its comfort food and baked goods. This restaurant had a fair amount of items that I could eat on the current food plan I am following, one that I have been blessed to see some marginal results w

I am nestled in on an old pink recliner in the basement of my brother's new home. It's been another long day and tomorrow we will rise very early to finish the job. As I sit here thinking of things to write, there are a couple different thoughts in my mind. Instead of picking one or the other I am briefly going to write both. The first is this, I did a lot of manual labor tonight. I sometimes struggle with the role of my Godly femininity because, by virtue of my physical make up and my situation in life (unattached) I seem prone to finding myself in manual labor situations. What I mean by that is that is: A.) I am sturdy. I am not just overweight, I am big. I have broad shoulders, strong legs am able to do bulky work. B.) Because I am single I often find myself with no other choice but to do this type of labor myself. For instance, laying flooring, moving a piano around my house, pushing cars out of NUMEROUS precarious situations or my very favorite, changing my own flat

I'm sitting in the car, writing this post in my phone before I go into the house because when I do...I may simply collapse. It has been a LONG day. I wear a lot of hats. One of those hats at the mission is that of data and stats guru. This is somewhat hilarious but it's true. I have never fancied myself good at either but the Lord works in mysterious ways and I find myself doing things that I don't feel capable of every single day. Tonight I did a little "data clean up." We have recently adapted to a new system for data tracking. It's very new to our staff and we are all still in a learning process. It's a process that has consumed me as I have, for MONTHS lives and breathed this system. Tonight as I poke some holes in our early data entry efforts and discovered some areas of training that will need a little clarity, it occurred to me. A data tracking system is only as good as the data we put into it. I know that's not earth shattering bu

Today was weird. I worked strange hours. I napped...strangely. I didn't meet all my goals. Not the goals set for this journey...not even all the goals I set for this day. I am still sleepy, my brain is not firing its fastest. Words and thoughts are not coming quickly and writing is not coming easily. Even with all this, it wasn't a bad day. I did accomplish things today, maybe not all of them but I did my best. Sometimes my best is more than I realize I can even do. Sometimes my best is less than I want to do. But all I can do is my best. So although I wish I had more in me today, I am ok with laying my head on the pillow tonight knowing I did the best that I could today.

Well, I have another story to tell about my niece. Its the little one again this time. My mother, since retirement has spending a great deal of time with the grandkids. Now that Daniel is in school, most of her time is spent one on one with little Gracie...let me refresh you, this is her... I mean...isn't it a shame she isn't cuter? (Said no one ever...) Anyway, she is not alone adorable...she happens to have a lot of spunk as well. Today she and my mother were riding down the road and she pointed out to my mom a park that they had played at MONTHS before. My mother was surprised that Gracie could remember that and declared, "Gracie you're incredible!" Nooooow there is something else you should know about Miss Gracelyn. In her current stage of life she wants to be taken seriously and therefore finds the need to argue every point, especially when her two year old intellect has not caught up with what you're saying to her. She also is in a phase wh

See that girl in the middle there, the all grown up one... She really is all grown up. Today is her twenty first birthday. That beautiful young lady, is my niece. She was the first of the three "little" folk who call be "Aunt Linda" because it's true. I have other, "nieces and nephews" that I cherish with my whole heart, but these three have captured it completely. And Alydia was the first. She wasn't born to us. I never got to rock her in my arms, bounce her on my shoulder or sing her to sleep. I never changed her diapers or tried to tame her unruly toddler hair. There is much of her life that was lived before she became our Alydia. She was almost grown up, but still somewhat a little girl when she came to our family and over the years I have watched her, from a regrettable distance, grow into an amazing young woman. Not every moment has been smooth, but that is just life. So the rest of this post is to my dear Alydia on her 21s

Its been a rather quiet and contemplative weekend in my world. Just what I needed really. It seems like the rest of the world is in such chaos that some peacefulness went a long way toward bring some rest to my heart. I forget the value of rest sometimes. I forget how much I need to just pull away sometimes and be quiet and still. I forget the way I tend to crave some "all-by-myselfness."  I know that is rather strange coming from someone who also is constantly battling loneliness, but its true. The Lord speaks the loudest to me in stillness. This weekend He has spoken to me so much about my journey with Him. This morning, in my Sunday School class we were discussing the calling of the first disciplines. I am always challenged by this story. To sum up my favorite highlights, what always jumps out to me is that when Simon, James and John realize they are in the presence of the Lord, it immediately impacts their life. They leave their boats, their nets, a MASSIVE ca

I need to forewarn you of a couple things today. 1.) I am a total nerd for classic literature 2.) I LOVE lessons through imagery I'm feeling a little brainwashed right now because I have been watching The Lord of the Rings movies on and off all day. I genuinely at this moment feel like everything I need to know about life is in the Bible and then The Lord of the Rings. Everything else is just extra. I kid, of course, I know it is just a story BUT as I have watched there has been so much in the imagery that has spoken to my heart. You see, Frodo is on a journey...and so am I. And just like Frodo, I want my life to tell an incredible story. A friend of mine and I have a long standing joke that I am Frodo and she is Samwise. If you know anything about the book/film, Sam is Frodo's faithful companion. He is a relentless friend who always shows up in the knick of time to help his friend Frodo with the heavy burden he is carrying. My friend is definitely a Samwise. She always

I am sleepy but I need to blog so I am going to keep this short. I'm crawling in bed tonight grateful. I'm grateful for laugher. I'm grateful for rest. I'm grateful for healing. I'm grateful for a God who is bigger than our fears I'm grateful that my He is still on the throne. I'm grateful that he is abundantly good I am grateful.

We are on the precipice of a new era in our nation, as we are before any president is inaugurated into office. Honestly, social media makes completely ill at this point. I am so tired of everyone’s opinions. I am weary of how our bickering is dividing a nation that once claimed to be “one nation under God.” Whatever you feeling is about the man who will begin his occupation of the oval office tomorrow, please remind yourself of this: God has never stopped being in control. He makes no mistakes. Nothing that happens in this world, good, bad or otherwise happens without His consent. Also remember this, you may dislike the politics and personality of our governing leaders on either side of the fence but constantly spewing opinions on one side or the other will rarely help the situation. I am, honestly embarrassed by what our nation must look like to the rest of the globe right now. We are acting like spoiled rich kids, bickering amongst ourselves and starting

I started writing something else once again tonight but the words didn't seem to flow. I have several thoughts on what I could write but nothing is materializing into coherent eloquence. Yesterday, I ended my post by saying tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it...yet. I think sometimes when we consider a fresh start that comes with a new day we get disappointed if we don't just CRUSH the new day. As I was thinking back today about how yesterdays tomorrow has gone, it wasn't bad. It wasn't exactly stellar either, it was just kind of...a day. I overslept but managed to get a run in this morning. Work was rather middle of the road, nothing dramatic, nothing ridiculously awesome. Even my "macros" for my food tracking were kind of just alright. I nailed some areas and totally missed others. All and all it was a pretty average day. Not exactly the dramatic butt kicking that I wanted to give this day when I fell asleep last night, but I didn't cr

I have attempted to write this post at least 4 times now. I am struggling with what to say. There is a very real part of me that feels like a fraud staring at this screen trying to come up with words of eloquence to offer wisdom or inspiration or at very least let you know about where I am at with things today. The place that I am in is one of trying to let go all the mess that I made today and all the failures. I feel a little bit like a crazy person. Ok, if I am being 100% honest I have BEEN a little bit of a crazy person today. I had a temper tantrum…not a small one I had a fit of uncontrollable tears. I was short with people who did NOTHING to me. I was unsupportive of an individual who is unfailingly supportive of me. In short, I have been incredibly selfish which has made me feel like I’m a complete lunatic. It’s ok guys…try not to be intimidated by how awesome I am. It’s probably a good thing that I write this blog every day. It makes me take a real look at myself a

This post is for the lonely souls... For those of you who know me well, you know that I can and will bring the party. I love to laugh and joke. I love being silly and having fun. I have a quick (sometimes too quick) wit and a flare for snark. Once I settle into a group I can't seem to hide these sides of my personality. Perhaps even to the point that sometimes it is a defense mechanism. Keep them laughing baby. Then everyone will like you. And you know what? It works. People love the funny girl. In my life, I have walked the two different roads in regard to my personality. One is the funny one, the other is the fixer. I have Vanilla Ice syndrome, "If you got a problem, yo I solve it...." There is a very real reason for this side of my personality but I won't explain that all today. It does however, cause me to be a person that people come to with their needs nonstop and this can be draining. Both of these roles have left me pretty lonely over the

This morning in my Sunday school class I was trying to explain fasting. The kiddos had some rather interesting ideas of what fasting is and why someone would do it. The most bizarre lead to me making the groundbreaking statement, "No honey, fasting originated before ketchup was a thing, this was pre-ketchup." The conversation was spurred from the fact that we have been studying through the life of Christ. Today we reached the story of his temptation in the wilderness. As silly as the conversation got, I have. Even thinking about Christ in the wilderness all day. Even Christ had to draw away to be in the presence of God. Before He set off to begin his ministry on earth He followed the Lords leading into the wilderness to fast and draw near to the Lord. Then guess what, the enemy couldn't leave that alone and as he always does, came poking around trying to ruin everything. I have seen this happen in my own life and unlike Christ, I confess that he has succeeded w

It's exactly 1am and I am laying in my bed scrolling through Pinterest, stalling because I know in need to write this before I roll over and go to sleep but I really have no deep inspiration of what to say. Nothing dramatic happened today. Nothing over the top amazing happened today unless you count the delicious steak I had for dinner and the sugar free, high protein chocolate mousse I ate for dessert. For the most part, today was simple and uneventful. I suppose however after the week that I have had that's a blessing. I didn't set and alarm and I slept in today. I ran. I made mousse. I had girls night with my built in bestie. We watched a movie and just hung out. Like I said, it was a relatively chill day. I'm grateful. I don't have anything of deep consequence to say. I don't have any crazy inspirational thought or object lesson that resonated with me today. I think however, that is good. Not everyday needs to be loaded with the intense &qu

On Tuesday night, the post that I set out to write was about how we feel insignificant at times. I had been working on a lot of paperwork that day and as I do that I frequently listen to audiobooks. Tuesday as I worked I chose “The Hobbit.” As I  listened to those familiar words, I was reminded of how much I relate to the character Bilbo. He didn’t ask to go on his journey but he was committed to it. He wasn’t qualified to do what needed doing but he rose to the occasion. With a small confession of my level of nerdiness I was in the process of writing a post about how much parallel I see in my own self to Mr. Bilbo Baggins. I never finished that post… That night my phone rang and I was called into a tragedy. I have never felt more like Bilbo in my life. The next morning as I was processing with a friend  I made the statement, “I felt so helpless…No, helpless is the wrong word, I know my help comes from the Lord. I felt insufficient.” I sat with a mother as she cr

Today has been long. It has been good. The Lords goodness is overwhelming to me. I have truly witnessed what the verse, "though sorrow may last for the night, joy comes with the morning." Things aren't perfect but the Lord showed Himself in a big way in the situation that I have been dealing with this week. Thank you for praying. Continue to pray. Life has been restored but the road will be long. Now I'm tired. I'll have more to say tomorrow. Tonight, all I can say is God is good.

My mind is weary. My heart is heavy. But I have hope. I know my God is good. Without sharing many details, last night the call I got was regarding a suicide attempt. Now a unique and precious individual is laying in a bed in an ICU fighting for life. There are so many questions that may never be answered. There is so much trauma that may take years to heal. I'm struggling between my pragmatic side and the gifting of faith that I have. I KNOW my God is a healer. I also know sometimes that's not the road He chooses to use. I know what the long term results of this sort of situation can be even if the individual pulls through. And I am caught somewhere between all of it, trying to know how best to trust in the sovereignty of God. In the last 24 hours I have listened to doctors speak careful facts and potential prognosis. I've listened to my friends, coworker and clients alike weep over what happened. I have heard the screams and ramblings of a mother in s

I was laying in my bed at a little after 10:30, writing my blog when my phone rang. A while back, when all the bad things were happening, we were prayer walking through the shelter. As I was praying I felt the Lord whisper, "this is what I have you hear for, to train you in warfare. The warfare you are experiencing is only scratching the surface of what you will see." I hoped and prayed that He meant me personally and not the shelter. Our team of ladies has been through so much. Yet tonight...my phone rang. The warfare continues, some of the deepest I've known. The sorrow and heartbreak is real and widespread. I'm writing this tonight at nearly 3 am. It's not the blog I set out to write. It's not the blog I wanted to write. But I am writing to beg you to pray. Pray for the mission. Pray for our staff. Pray for our clients. Pray for healing. Pray for hope to reign supreme. I don't have the words to explain it all right now. My

Do you ever wish you could simply blink and get to whatever it is you are trying to achieve? I know I do. If someone told me tomorrow if I followed a strict plan and in one month I would be at my health and fitness goals I would do it in a heart beat. Lately with the projects looming around me at work I just keep wishing that I could get over the "hump" so to speak and get "there." I want the projects to be finished, I want to the to be in sight. But somehow, I know that the end that I think I need to get to is only the beginning of something else. There are moving parts and new things will surface that need effort and attention. Don't we do the same thing in life? If I could only reach a certain size. If I could only achieve a certain goal. If I could only have a certain relationship. Then, then I would be happy. Then I could rest. Then life would be as it should be. Then I would be normal again. I can't tell you how many times I h

I am sitting with a bowl of boiled eggs in my lap that I am getting ready to peel. Why you may ask? Well it's a little thing that has become very real in my life called meal prepping. The moments that I have been most successful in regard to healthy eating on this journey have all involved meal prepping. The moments where I get knocked off course are when I am unprepared or too busy to even think ahead. That is when easy alternatives seem the best an only option. As I stared at this bowl of eggs in my lap thinking that I still needed to write and had no clue what to say, the idea of what these eggs represent struck me. Prepping. Preparing. Thinking ahead and equipping yourself to be the best gnat you can be. It struck me how much of life is about the prep. There was a moment when I was on the mission field in eastern KY that I realized the reason I could do what I was doing was because my life leading up to it had equipped me. Since then I have seen the Lord wo

Kids are weird. Have you ever noticed that? I am babysitting my niece and nephew tonight. Over the course of the evening I witnessed a few things that struck me. Before we made it to my house we stopped at the store, one simply cannot have a movie night/slumber party without popcorn. When we got to the store I opened the door and unbuckled my nephew. Without pause or thought, he LEPT into my arms. He didn't asked if I would catch him or if I was paying attention. He assumed I was and would and he was right. The next thing that struck me was just before bed. Long story short, Daniel was feeling slightly left out after I polished his sister's finger nails so I offered to put a temporary tattoo on him. He PANICKED that it would hurt and then in his just before bedtime state of exhaustion lost it. He wanted to have the tattoo so bad but he was afraid and didn't trust me. Then he kept playing the victim about how he didn't get to have anything special. Finally he

As I was working tonight...I had to laugh. As I mentioned I am training staff on our new software system for client data tracking. (Yes it IS as exciting as it sounds.) As I was doing this I was also scurrying around sorting piles and digging out old paper of this and that. I was pitching things out, organizing and generally setting my world in order. It needed to happen. For weeks and weeks I have been RUNNING around like a chicken with my head cut off and the piles have been growing. So what made me laugh tonight you ask? Well as I was doing this I was also training one of our newer staff and she said, "Wow Ms. Linda, you're a really organized person." Ha! I mean I really WANT to be, but the very nature of what I had to do at that moment spoke to the fact that I am NOT. Something that I have been thinking about a lot this New Year is balance and self care. I struggle with both of gross things very much. I tend to be on one end of the scale or the other whe

This will be short and sweet. I am exhausted. For the last several months I have been working so hard in a new data system for my job. I have sat in meetings. Gotten excited. Sat in more meetings. Discussed details. Worked on details. Worked on details. Worked on details. No, I didn't mess up...there have sooooo many details to make happen. I'm still ironing them all out but today, well, today I started training the staff on how to use it. We started using bits, filling info in and getting to know exactly how it will totally change how we do things. It's finally real. It's amazing to see things that you have worked so hard for come to life. As I worked late tonight training our staff I had to smile at how sweet it was. It also challenged me. It feels great to do big things. I want to keep doing big things. Start to finish. Ok. I'm wiped out... Doing big things is exhausting :)

Yesterday was a long day. New Years always brings a lot of turn over for me with stats and data on my job. This year I have the added benefit of being in some massive transition with the way we handle all of these things. My about 6:30, I was sitting in a staff meeting and I could feel my self CRASHING hard. The tired was real and it was happening fast. When I got home finally got home after finish some work and some goals and running and errand, I shoveled some food in my mouth and tried to be a little bit productive. It wasn't working so, I went to bed. I was compelled. I fell asleep instantly without even setting and alarm. I woke up at 3:15 and realized I didn't feel great so I ascended the stairs to get some water to add to my humidifier. At this point I set my alarm so that I would be able to wake up, do my devotions, workout, pack my lunch, eat breakfast, shower, get looking halfway decent and get to work. I realized in my middle of the night exhaustion that I wa

This new year I started a new plan for reading through my Bible. This plan has be read four chapters a day from various sections of scripture. I enjoy this because I am getting snippets of both the old and new testaments. This morning a portion of my reading was from the book of Acts the third chapter. It recounts the story of Peter and John going to the temple to pray. I'll recap with the words of a song I sang as a child. Peter and John went to pray;
they met a lame man on the way.
He asked for alms and held out his palms,
and this is what Peter did say:
 "Silver and gold have I none,
but what I have I give to you.
In the name of Jesus Christ
of Nazareth, rise up and walk!"
 He went walking and jumping and praising God,
walking and jumping and praising God.
"In the name of Jesus Christ 
of Nazareth, rise up and walk." I mentioned yesterday that I spent time with my niece. I also spent time with my nephew. As I was playing with the two of them I found m