thawing out

Every year, my neighbors build a GIANT snow man

Today, the sun came out and a warm front rolled through, that poor snowman melted into just a pile of snow. I noticed it when I went for my run.

My first run outside in around a month.

It was glorious.

I needed it.

The last month I have told you that thing have not felt overly victorious. A lot of survive and not much thrive. Today, in the sunshine, I could feel a whisper of that renewed passion. I felt fresh inspiration to keep pushing ahead. I know that not every day will feel like a giant success but that's ok.

Tonight, I started watching the "breakout hit of the year" This Is Us.

I had seen the commercials and tons of people had told me to watch it but I had hesitated. You see, I saw the fat girl on the commercials and knew that it would strike close to home for me. Maybe closer than I was prepared for.

I was so right. The level of gross crying that happened was real. There were so many moments, so much about her, so many things that she said that I could relate to.

There was a scene where she had worked so hard to lose weight, exercise, salads, allll the things. She got on the scale and was down 1.4 lbs or something like that. My soul wept with her because WAYYYY too many times I have played that scene out in my own life.

She made a statement at one point where she said, "It's always going to be about the weight."

I get it.

I have some many things that I could say about what it is like to be fat but they are so real and so raw I can't seem to find the words. In short, there was almost nothing about her struggle that I did NOT relate to. (Except her boyfriend...I don't struggle with having one of those lol.)

I don't think it's a mistake that after the Lord had breathed some warmth and life back into this journey that I saw this. It makes me want to fight and never give up.

I am SICK TO DEATH of allowing my life to be defined by something as stupid as my weight. Yes, it's a part of who I am but it isn't who I am and it doesn't make me invaluable.

So salad by salad, mile by mile, step by step and day by day, I will keep showing up.

I don't want to quit.

I don't want to go back.

I want to change my life.

I want to thaw out, I'm sick of being frozen. When the sun comes out and melts the snow it shows us the life underneath. I want to let that life come to the surface. I want to live fearlessly.

My weight has frozen me. It has filled me with anxiety about all the things I can't do because of it. I have given up on dreams because I felt disqualified by my size. But that's enough.

There was a time where my size didn't allow me to run 100 yards, now I can run miles...

The thaw is here. Enough standing still. Enough of being frozen in place.

It's time to melt away the mess and let life come to the surface.