33...and beyond

Today was a day filled with warfare. I guess I can't even pretend to be surprised at this point. My heart is tattered and torn. But my God is big. I need your prayers tonight. My coworkers need your prayers tonight. Our team is under attack and we are tattered and tired. I am tattered and tired. But I have a hope that anchors my soul. His love is greater. He is greater. Clinging to that hope tonight and coveting your prayers.

Somedays, while I am working...I find myself being called everything but a the name my mother gave me. They can be incredibly creative with the things they hurl at our staff. I work with angry people. I work with broken people.  I work with hopeless people. Today was one of those days. I had very few fans today. I sat and absorbed so much negativity. The negativity that I see everyday comes from a variety of different factors. Some of my clients are victims of intense, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse and trauma. Some of them have intense mental illness. Some of my clients are in various stages of battling addiction. Some of my clients of experienced deep and painful personal loss. Some of them have no life skills and live in a society that has justified this for them. Many of them have a combination of some or all of these things. At any rate, these things work together to make many of the people I serve very angry and mean. Today after work I sent

This morning I woke up with the song "Joy to the World" dancing through my head. The line that kept jumping out in my mind was "let every heart, prepare Him room." It made me think, what am I cluttering my heart with? What takes up space in my heart that has no place there? Pride? Bitterness? Fear? Feelings of unworthiness? Relationships that the Lord has not ordained? Lust? Jealousy? Anger? I got to thinking today about my laundry. With all the chaos of life, my laundry has gotten a little out of hand. Mind you, most of it is clean. I just cannot seem to make myself attack the three baskets of clean piles. So there they sit, getting rumpled, tangled, mixed in with the dirty laundry. The more I fail to address it, the more the pile seems to grow and the more daunting it becomes in my mind. Isn't it the same with the messiness of our heart. The more we ignore it and hold onto it, the more difficult it becomes to deal with it. It grows until i

Today is the first Sunday of advent. Christmas is upon us. I love Christmas. There is really nothing I don't love about Christmas. The twinkling lights, the smells of cinnamon and peppermint, the music, even the Christmas story in the Bible is one of my favorites. The only thing that I don't like about Christmas is the tendency to get into a rut of busyness and miss all the beauty of it. It's a season that can get full of many other things that it's easy to forget to take the time to really enjoy it. I can already see the potential of this for me. Life is full. I'm up to my eye balls in work. I'm living, breathing and dreaming about our Christmas musical at church. There are so many details to think through, props, lines, costumes, song lyrics etc, etc. But I don't want to miss the joy. I want to take time to slow down and BREATH . I want to focus my heart on the reason behind the celebration. The sacrifice of a God made man on our behalf

I have 8 minutes to write before midnight hits. Since I rose from my bed this morning I haven't paused or had much time alone. This weekend has been full of family and fun. It has been busy and I am grateful for this time. It has replenished my heart but also reminded me of the need for balance. I am so grateful for time with my family and long talks today with an old friend but there is a very real part of me that is intensely craving my quiet and some stillness. As I have walked through all manner of chaos in the early parts of this journey, I have learned to steal quiet moments with the Lord. I cannot survive with out them. I need them. I crave them. I find myself craving them in a way that I didn't before I started and for that I am so grateful. In the chaos and in the quiet I am slowly learning that my strength and satisfaction lie with the Lord alone.

I'll be real. The last few days have not been my most victorious "goal wise". It isn't that I haven't  done any of them, in the contrary for the most part I'm still trekking on. I've consumed some food that is a bit less "clean" than I would like. My miles the last few days have been...a little less than victorious. There is a version on myself that would look at the "failures" of the last few days, toss her hands in the air resign herself to the fact that this is an impossible dream. That version however, is not the one who is writing this today. Today, I feel totally at peace with where I am for a few reasons. One, without even realizing just how badly I needed it, the Lord has been giving me rest. Not even physical rest, but a deep and sweet rest for my heart. Things have been heavy, pressure has been real and my natural inclination is to simply power through. In His amazing grace and mercy the Lord has given me the preci

I'm laying in my bed tossing out statements like, "I'm going to take that stuffed animal away if you don't stop hitting each other." It's early for me to be in bed, on an average night I would probably be lacing my gym shoes and heading off for a run. Today however is thanksgiving... I just had to pause from writing this to crawl in the middle of my king size bed to separate two, silly, sleepy little ones. My heart is so full. It is day 60 of my journey and today I felt the Lords encouragement to rest. Today I am not running, I am cuddling with two little people who mean the whole world to me. I spent time with family. I curled in my bed and watched a movie on the ceiling with my two nieces and my nephew. I was taught letters and numbers in "school" today by a 5 year old. I've been bossed and badgered by a stubborn two year old. We made a ginger bread train and put up my Christmas tree. My cup is running over. Today in my last day of fo

I don't have a lot in me today. Not a lot of energy. Not a lot of words. So today, just this. My favorite Psalm of thanksgiving Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from

I'm writing from the treadmill again. Ill be frank. I fully intended for this blog to be about failure tonight. Once again, my lungs have been CRYING for mercy all day. My ear has been ringing for a few days and I really didn't even believe for a moment that I had any type of run in me. Not even one, tiny, slow, mile. I showed up to the gym so I could at least feel less guilt about my "goals" by "showing up" and at least walking a mile or so. I climbed aboard my treadmill of choice. (The one with no one near by, under the TV that is NOT working.) I paced myself somewhere around a slow "stroll" and began. At 0.01 miles I reached down and pushed the up arrow under speed. I ran. I didn't run fast. Let's be real, I never do. But I ran faster than all the people who were walking. In doing so, I realized, I am made of tougher stuff than I thought. Yes even now cooling down, my lungs are BURNING and I feel waves of dizziness, but

I have a few things to say today before I dive in, just as a preface. 1. I am overweight and out of shape 2. It is cold. 3. I have a cold. 4. Almost all colds settle into my lungs 5. I HATE running in the cold 6. It hurts my lungs. 7. I have a gym membership 8. I almost never use it. 9. I live near a pretty decent size university. 10. That means my town and gym are FULL of college students Ok. Let's dive in. I'll be real. The gym isn't my favorite place. Tonight as I strolled in after several months of blissful running out of doors and home workout videos, I was reminded of why. Aside from one mom strolling on a treadmill in mom jeans and a fellow whose bear belly was hanging over top his ball shorts, I was easily the most out of shape person in the joint. This makes me feel incredibly insecure and insignificant. I struggle massively with my identity as it is. When I go to a place where I am surrounded by young, muscle bound bros and their bouncy tan sk

I have a little confession.  I find funerals a bit intimidating. It's not because I am afraid or uncomfortable with death, I really am not. What I find intimidating is the eulogy. Have you ever noticed that every person who dies was the most amazing person who ever lived? I will be real, sometimes I sit in these services thinking, "Oh man, even if I start right now, I can never pull myself together enough to be as good as this person." Now I know, people are going to want to share all of the great things about a person after they die. I get it. Those are the things we want to remember. I think, however, that it is not only ok, but also extremely important to acknowledge our deep humanness as well. So, because I am kind of a morbid person and death is just on the brain, I'm going to take a moment to write my own eulogy of sorts. I'd like to think that maybe someone will take the time to read it at my funeral in the event of my death, but if not...I d

Tonight my gratitude is simple. I am thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for people who I get to do life with. I'm thankful for kids who have zero relationship with me that call me "aunt Linda". I'm thankful for people to laugh with and cry with. People to make music with. People who say the same words with the same inflection. People who I don't see for ages but it feels like nothing's changed when we are together. I'm thankful for friends who are family and friends who are like family. Im thankful for my friends...short and simple. Now...I'm going to be done, and spend some time with my friends. I am abundantly blessed.

So... I knew at some point in this 30 days of thanksgiving, this would come back up. I'll just say it. Today, I am supposed to write that I am grateful for my singleness. I'll be honest, entering the 30 days of gratitude I KNEW the Lord would as me to write this. I had resigned myself to it. I knew what I would say. I know all the reasons to be grateful that I am 33 and single. This prospect of writing this, however, became infinitely more difficult when just a day or two into these 30 days that Lord placed on my heart a new request. It is not something that I have told a lot of people about because, I'll be honest, its something I have really struggled to commit to. I heard these words pretty clearly from the Lord. "Linda, as you walk through this journey, I am going to be doing a lot of work on you. As you change not only physically but being filled with my joy as well, men are going to start to notice you more...(At this point I liked where He was goin

Lately, I have been surrounded by so much death. It has been a variety of things from horrible tragedies to peaceful home goings. Today, very simply, I am grateful for life. I am grateful for all the little blessings it holds... Silly sweet snapchats from my niece and nephew Unseasonably warm days perfect for my run and for driving with the windows down Gluten free paleo chocolate chip cookies that will do in a pinch if you need a bite of sweet Christmas lights beginning to appear downtown Friends to do life with A new wig for a client suffering from cancer Laughter A day without any tears A staff member who works so hard to learn a skill that is outside of her comfort zone Joy that cannot fade even when life gets tough The promise of a day off I could go on and on. I am grateful for my life. Sometimes, I think I freak people out because I do get genuinely homesick for heaven. I long to shed this mortal body and be in the presence of Jesus. I will not miss this

If you know me at all you know that there is only one boy who currently possesses the key to my heart. He is super cute, has big blue eyes and is VERY smart. He is also five, obsessed with sea creatures and plays ninja's on the playground at school. The only boy who has ownership of my heart is my nephew, Danny. I love him to the moon and back. Today, I had lunch with a different Danny. In the dining room at the shelter our meals are all served by volunteers. They come to us from a host of places. Some are court ordered, some serve with their church, some are involved in work programs. We also have a group that comes to serve lunch a few days a week from a local adult education program for adults with special needs. Today, I sat down in my usual spot and it just happened to be where all of the volunteers from this program were eating. I have a very special place in my heart for those affected by disability and I quickly struck up a conversation with the four of them. Ther

Of late, the way my life has been, I almost dread sitting down trying to attempt to find words to say. I hate that I am constantly saying, "Well, today was rough" or "Today was a really bad day." I am SOOOOOO sick of the drama. But I promised to be real, so here comes real. This morning, I overslept. I barely managed to shower and get my bed made before flying out the door. Forget the Word, my prayer time, breakfast, my lunch and the fact that I needed to get gas on my way to work or risk the chance of running out. Forget all that. As I got close to work, looking at the time and seeing I was officially late, I proceeded to hit all the red lights I encountered. At one, I took a moment to notice my gas tank was pushing its way down PAST the "E." I stared hard at it and begged the Lord to just let me make it to work. Then I started to cry, as I stared at it, I realized, that is how I was feeling this morning. I was past "E." I felt t

So one of the things that I am most certain to bring up along this journey, on a regular basis is the idea of our identity in Christ. Finding our worth, value, enoughness, whatever...in what Christ says about us and no one else.  Today, someone said words to me that even now, hours later I cannot shake. Words that cut to my heart, made me angry, but more than anything...made me feel like a worthless failure. Even thinking about them now stirs up all the emotions that I stifled in the moment that they were said to me.  Tonight, I am trying to banish these dark words and feelings be focusing on what God says about be instead. According to my God, I am: a child of God His friend justified redeemed no longer condemned adopted and heir to the Kingdom of God fearfully and wonderfully made a new creation no longer a slave to sin set free righteous holy  blameless spotless chosen God's workmanship created for good works a citizen of heave

There is a blinking cursor at the top of this screen taunting me to come up with words, a title, and eloquent thoughts. To be honest my heart is a little ugly right now. Its been on a bit of a roller coaster today...do I say that everyday? It's getting redundant huh? Yet, once again I strapped in for a ride unique for today. Without dragging you through all of the details, the climax of this day has brought be face to face with the reality of just how self-centered I am. I AM NOT SAYING THIS TO GET YOU TO SAY "OHHHHH LINDA YOU'RE SO SELFLESS." Trust me, I am not. It's actually almost comical to me that, after committing to 30 days of gratitude, the Lord has brought to my eyes how deeply ungrateful I actually am. I should have expected nothing less but it still makes me chuckle a little that I was so proud I didn't see this coming. LOL (Legitimately laughing out loud) It's strange. There is actually a bizarre freedom in looking at some of the ugl

In the last 24 odd hours or so I have had a lot of interesting conversations. That is the nature of my job. Some people will never have any conversations like this in their entire lifetime while the team I work with, in a single shift, can have several. In the last day or so there are four that are all standing out in my mind. One was with a client who had been raped and passed around as a sexual object for the entirety of childhood. One was with a young woman who is pregnant for the sixth time and has a broken heart because the child's father used her and left her. One was with a young transexual who just recently attempted suicide. The last was a conversation with a mother who was trying to cope with and understand her daughter's unique needs as a child with downs syndrome. All of these conversations are pressing on my heart tonight because I feel like they all have a connecting theme. This is a theme that I think comes up more than any other as I minister to home

This morning, I could barelybring myself to rise from my bed. I knew before my feet hit the floor, just how long this day would be. There were good reason's for the length of this day, but trying to convice myself to get up, read my Bible, spend some time on my knees, go for a run, make my bed, get ready for this lengthy day...it all seemed just too much. Over in my mind I kept here the words of a song called "Where you Begin." It says: Today I need you Just to get through Today I'm breaking  Under the weight of it all And I'm afraid I might fall Today I'm empty But I am willing To keep listening Looking for you through the noise For Your quiet voice Are you telling me to go? Are you telling me to stay? Are you telling me to hold onto you for another day? Cause I've got nothing left And I'm hanging by a thread I give you all my weakness You give me your strength Cause I'm here again Here at my end Where yo

Sitting down to write right now, I gave a cynical laugh when I clicked the "new post" button and caught a glimpse of the title of last nights post. "imperfection" I thanked the Lord for His use of imperfect things. Perhaps today He was testing just how much I meant that. Today was far from perfect. Today I was far from perfect. In fact, mid-run when I paused my fitness tracker, sat on a stone wall and sent a 911 text to my prayer buddies, I describe myself as "the worst version of myself." Did you ever read "Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day"? Well I just lived it. Some of the things were big awful things like a client passing away. Some of the things were little irritating things like my run app not opening or reports not running correctly, but it all added up to a really spectacularly awful day. Honestly, I don't even feel like writing right now. I just want to climb into my bed and forget this day

As the dust settles today following the election yesterday there are many opinions still being raised about what happened. All through this process I have had a strange peace with whatever the result would be because of my knowledge of what I said yesterday. No matter what happens, God is on the throne. Interestingly enough, it seems as though we have elected a sinner to be the next President of the United States, just like his predecessor and just like whomever will follow him. My Bible say that we are all sinners. Every last one of us is worthy of nothing more than death and separation from a perfect God. I saw a headline today that said, "Acts of Kindness That Prove People Are Still Good." I feel that this is a misnomer really. How can we prove that people are still good, when they never really were good to begin with? All of this has caused me to do a great deal of thinking today. No one is good. No one is righteous. Not even one. It is not a popular co

Well, today is the day America. Today, after months of vile campaigning, we will decide who we want to be the leader of this nation.  It has been a ridiculous few months. So many people I know have made comments that they cannot believe that as a nation we have narrowed it down to these two candidates. Now, I will not get into politics about who you should vote for or what your choice should be. This is not the place for that. What I will say is I believe if you claim to be a follower of Christ Jesus it is your duty to pray, listen to the leading of the Lord, vote and pray some more. If you walk away from the polling station having voted not out of your own feelings but out of obedience to the Lord, then no matter what the outcome hold your head up. Obedience is all that is required today. (and really every other day as well) This morning I had to chuckle. I always have a brief conversation with a particular friend early in the morning. Sometimes it simply consists of &q

Today was a bit of an odd day for me. I had to drive to the State capitol for a statewide meeting of homeless service providers. I wont lie to you. As a believer I tend to struggle at these sorts of meetings. As I sit there and listen to people wax eloquent about all the ways we are going to solve the problem of homelessness, I always have a hard time agreeing wholeheartedly with what they are saying. As a follower of Christ Jesus serving the homeless, I see them in a different light than my counterparts in the world do. I look at there situation from a different platform.  Yes, at the end of the day what causes someone to be homeless is technically that they don't have a house. But the Lord has made it clear to me in working in the poverty industry that I can supply physical needs and that is all well and good, but it should always be done in the light of reaching the real issues that lie in there heart.  All of the brokenness that exists in this world, homelessness

This morning I realized as I was out for my run, that I didn't really emphasize gratitude the way I had intended to in what I wrote yesterday. With this in mind I predetermined that today would have a very strong gratitude emphasis and I knew what it would be. Today, I am thankful for sweat. Yup. Sweat. Now I determined this morning that this would be my item of thanksgiving and now as I sit here actually putting the words together I have to chuckle. I HAVE SWEAT SOOOOO MUCH TODAY! The reason I determined that today I was grateful for sweat, of course, came to me when I returned home from running. I even took this lovely selfie complete with some quinoa in my teeth that I SHOVED in my mouth the moment I got back from running #famished Now I do not tend to like taking sweaty post work out selfies, but I took that because I found myself rather amazed. Today is November 6th, I went running around 9am. I put on a lightweight sweatshirt and found myself VERY warm in

A couple days ago I read a news article about a man in Texas who felt the Lord tell him to build a dam around his house. The article said his neighbors mocked him and thought he was crazy but, low and behold, a flood came and his house was safe. It was the only one unharmed. I am not sure this article is legit, I mean, you cant believe everything you read on the internet. I, however, want to believe it is. It seems just like something my God would do. It reminded me of the story of Noah. Yesterday, was the 40th day of my year long (well technically 380 day) commitment to the Lord. I stepped on the scale yesterday morning (even though my usual "weigh day" is Monday) and found that over the course of 40 days the changes have been very slight. I am not sure what I expected to happen when I commit to do this but I have seen very little physical evidence of all the hard word I have been putting in. I know that there has been significant change to my heart however, because