33...and beyond

It's 9:00pm New Year's Eve. Most people are just getting ready to get their fun on. Honestly, over the years New Year's Eve has been a pretty anticlimactic affair. I've never been kissed at midnight. I don't party really so there isn't much for me in that. Some years I have rung in the new year with clients standing at the door of the mission watching the downtown fireworks light up the sky. I even remember ringing in a new year doing a puzzle with some friends one year. Like I said, New Years has never held much for me. Tonight I am home alone. I watched a movie and ate some soup and a gluten free banana muffin for dinner. I splurged just a little and put some butter on my stove top popcorn and watched a movie. I did a facial mask and relaxed. I just now crawled into my bed, I plan to spend sometime reading and reflecting in the last few hours of the new year. I may or may not be awake when it rings in. As I resolved myself to what this New Year...

Because of my lengthy bout of singleness, I have developed a habit. The habit is that when I carry my groceries in from the car, I ALWAYS attempt to do it in one trip no matter how many groceries I may be carrying. No you might think, what does this have to do with you being single, to which I would say...possibly nothing, I just always chalk it up to not having anyone around to assist with the grocery carrying. It may be, however, only connected to the fact that I am lazy. I'll have to ponder that more. Tonight, as I was lugging some fresh healthy delicacies up the driveway to the house, I was having a very difficult time of it. The bags that I had were awkwardly packed. I proceeded to rip two of them almost immediately upon exiting the car. As I climbed the slight hill on our driveway I found myself on a patch of ice at which point I almost slid down the hill or worse yet almost went crashing to the ground, groceries and all. As I struggled to open the garage door and then th...

It's nearly a new year. Just the matter of a few days and 2016 will be in the history books. A lot of times people take this time to make lists of resolutions. All the things they want to do in the New Year. I admit, I have some things that I want to continue to work on in my own current journey of resolution, but before I can even think about that I need to make it to the New Year in one piece. Currently in my job, I have a LOT on my plate. The only lists I am making have ZERO to do with what I'm going to do in 2017 and everything to do with what it takes to wrap up 2016. There are end of year stats to compile. A new data tracking software to get rolling. A user manual to create for the software. Staff to train at the new software. Clients to see. Billing to submit. Data to be entered. Releases of information to be signed. Old documents removed. New documents completed. The list is growing by the moment and somewhat daunting at that. But I have ...

Full Circle A long time ago, my mother went on a mission trip and met my father... They married and life was not uneventful but about 14 years later I arrived on the scene by way of what my mother calls a bit of a "surprise". My siblings were planned for and prayed for but I, well, I snuck in. I was fortunate to be raised in a home where the Lord was taught clearly and he took possession of my heart at a very young age. I was also fortunate to have a mother that prayed for her children.  I remember sometimes in high school dreading that fact that every Friday morning without fail my mother came to school to pray. Moms are so embarrassing. Besides that, she might talk to one of my teachers and find out that I wasn't really "applying myself" the way I ought to be. Fast forward to today. Today, at the mission, we celebrated accomplishments. We honored people who had passed through different phases of our long term program for life foc...

When I used to work third shift, one of my tasks was to go through a box of cards each night and mark the card of all current clients to show that they were in shelter for the night. I remember when I first started staring at the names at the beginning of a year and knowing a face to match every name. I have a pretty decent memory especially when something visual is involved. I wondered to myself when that would change. I wondered when the names would ring a bell but some of the faces would be lost in sea of clients. That day came and went in my life rather unceremoniously. A part of my job now is that as the New Year approaches I need to get all the client files ready for a new year and move out the old files to make way for the new. I started this process today, there was a lot of heavy lifting involved and reorganization to be done. As I moved the files my eyes caught many names of clients who have passed through the doors during my time at the mission. Some of them would be...

Every year, my neighbors build a GIANT snow man Today, the sun came out and a warm front rolled through, that poor snowman melted into just a pile of snow. I noticed it when I went for my run. My first run outside in around a month. It was glorious. I needed it. The last month I have told you that thing have not felt overly victorious. A lot of survive and not much thrive. Today, in the sunshine, I could feel a whisper of that renewed passion. I felt fresh inspiration to keep pushing ahead. I know that not every day will feel like a giant success but that's ok. Tonight, I started watching the "breakout hit of the year" This Is Us. I had seen the commercials and tons of people had told me to watch it but I had hesitated. You see, I saw the fat girl on the commercials and knew that it would strike close to home for me. Maybe closer than I was prepared for. I was so right. The level of gross crying that happened was real. There were so many moments, so much a...

I don't have much to say today. It's been sweet. It's been peaceful. I worshiped. I spent time with family. I played games and watched movies. I'm snuggled in my bed with my built in bestie...watching Gilmore girls. Life is sweet. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

It's Christmas Eve. Technically as I am writing this it is actually Christmas Day. Today was restful.  I couldn't help but recognize again today the affects that my singleness has on this holiday, but today, it was pleasant. I spent time in peace and stillness. I folded some laundry and wrapped some presents. I took a nap.  I didn't leave the house the entire day.  I rested. There was no expectation on me for this day at all. I played cards and "Heads-up" and generally did pleasant things.  I took a break, from goals, from work, from life. I paused. It was refreshing and I am grateful. I am also grateful that as I am refreshed I am also feeling equipped and motivated to jump right back into my usual rhythm. I feel eager to keep moving forward. This, is progress for me. Through out my life I have struggled with making exceptions for myself because without fail, those exceptions would become the rule. It's something that I have...

This morning I took a client to the hospital for some testing. It was simple, run of the mill, but for weeks before this she has been so grumpy, because so was so afraid of what the test would reveal. What they did reveal was that all was well. What struck me was when she came back into the room where I was sitting and waiting for her and she roused from her anesthesia she looked like a little girl. The woman is anything but a little girl. She has lived a hard life. Her voice is raspy and gruff from damage. She has struggle with addiction as long as I have known her but is walking in victory right now. As she lay in her bed eating crackers and sipping orange juice she smiled at me and said, "Thank you Miss Linda, for being here for me." She is 62 years old and could find no one else come take her to the hospital to have this done. As she smiled at me from her hospital bed I was slightly overwhelmed. The Lord has entrusted me with such precious people. People tha...

Ok sooooo... I'll be honest, I wasn't really "feelin" it today. I didn't have any desire to do anything of the things that I was responsible to do. I was having a rough day, there's no way around it.  I mentioned before that, as a single person, the holidays are not always easy. In many ways, they remind me just how truly alone I really am. During the holidays, I am reminded more consistently and acutely how I long to be a mom. Because that is not a a thing in my life I tend to embrace other people's children as much as I can. Even though the kids at work do a great job filling in for some of this desire, there are two precious little ones who hold prime real estate in my heart.  My niece Gracie and her brother, my nephew Danny. They are spending the night at my house tonight. There in lies the rub. You see, due to the business of life, I haven't seen these kiddos in nearly a month and tonight...I had to work until past their bedtim...

I can't remember...have i told you guys I work at a shelter? JK I feel like sometimes its all I have to talk about as a single person I tend to be a bit of a workaholic without my that identifies me beyond my job. Working at a shelter around Christmas is a very unique experience. You see, it is a season when people wake up to generosity and in our community its a time when people tend to take notice of my place of employment. We have several small shelters in our community by by and large the Mission where I work is the biggest. In fact, some recent stats indicate that we house about 84% of the homeless and transient population in our county. This means at Christmas when people are starting to think of showing generosity and goodwill to their fellow man, we tend to be a natural recipient. This will be my fourth Christmas at the mission. Each year the Lord has allowed me to see different aspects of homelessness at Christmas. Because I don't have a family, I worked my...

I haven’t really talked much about my “goals” or this journey that much of late. I’ll be honest; I haven’t known exactly what to say. It’s not because I am totally bombing. I am LEAPS and bounds beyond where I was when I started, but for the last few weeks it hasn’t seemed that victorious. I don’t feel must like I am thriving. Instead, it is much more like surviving. I haven’t pushed as hard as I want to. I have “phoned in” obedience and found myself justifying it. There are the holidays, the musical, the SNOW, so many things that have made obedience more difficult than when I started. My runs have been slow and short, rarely going the extra mile just trying to get in and out of the gym and get home to my bed. My eating has been a little lax, embracing every reason that I should possibly give myself a slight exception of bend my early resolve. My time on my knees has been less spirit filled and powerful that I want it to be. Have you ever noticed that it’s harder t...

Another terror attack happened today. This world is a broken and sad place. I find myself with a restless mind. I'm not sure that the two are related or if this is just a way the enemy attacks me now and again. Every so often my brain just won't settle down. When I try to sleep, it's a struggle. When sleep comes, it's filled with vivid dreams and is restless. My mind won't seem to stop. I need noise, voices, music, my phone, words to read. Anything I can find to occupy my mind. I'm not necessarily worrying, or anxious, just filled with so many thoughts. So many things to consider. So much knowledge to obtain wether useful or useless. In these times, sleep feels like a waste. I often wonder what other people would think on these days, if they could come how crawl into my mind. I have a ridiculous memory, I think creatively, I observe things keenly. My brain is always going. Sometimes I can't keep up with it. I have gone so far at times to ...

Isaac Newton is quotes as saying, "If I have seen further, it is by standing on shoulders of giants." As a woman in my early twenties I heard some wise counsel. It is wisdom that I have tried to hold onto for my entire adult life. Dr. Erwin Lutzer the long time senior pastor of the historic Moody Church in downtown Chicago was preaching. He took a moment to specifically address the young people in the audience and told us that if we wanted to live lives set apart for the Lord we should not only read the word, pray and generally walk with the Lord, we should also make it a practice to read biographies of the great man and women of the faith who have gone before us. This is something that has never left me. Some of the deepest inspiration and encouragement I have found in my faith has not come from sermons or conferences but rather it has come on the shoulders of giants. I love to read these books, some of them I have read over and over. Others I have yet to discover....

For 10 minutes now I have been staring at a blank computer screen, I need to write. There are several things swirling around in my mind that are worthy topics but I cannot seem to wrap them up into thoughts concise enough to make worth reading or for that matter even writing. I keep typing and deleting thoughts and words because they don't seem to be the right ones. I am not going to belabor this point. Tonight I will let my words be few. I think its ok to be at a loss for words, sometimes we simply need to shut up and listen to His voice. Tonight, I will let the word of God speak  Oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God How unsearchable His judgements, how untraceable His path Who knows the mind of our God and who should give counsel to Him Who has given to God that God should repay For from Him and to Him and through Him is everything To God be the glory forever and ever, to God be the glory forever, Amen.

Tonight was our staff Christmas party for the women's shelter team. It's hard for us to do anything of that sort because we cannot close down. Someone always needs to be at work. So we had the party at work and planned to take turns having people cover the "floor" while the party was going on. I wound up being the one who covered the majority of the party. I have to admit, there was a moment where I was fighting the bitter. I had done a lot of work for the party and I was missing it. It didn't make things better that I had some clients who were being very snippy to me. I had to readjust my attitude quickly and remind myself that it is a privilege to serve. Once I did, the Lord filled the evening with little bits of grace. Grace in the fact that I had a chance to humble myself and apologize to a client for a moment of snippiness. Those things always make me grow. Grace to share with the clients how proud I am of the team of ladies that I work with, how ha...

I was talking to a client tonight who has been through a lot of sorrow in her life. She just recently accepted Christ but is still struggling with doubt. Tonight she said to me, "Sometimes I'm afraid that I actually hate God because I don't understand why He let all these bad things happen to me. Where was He when all these things were happening?" I was at a loss. How do you reiterate God's love to someone who has experiences such horror in their life? After work a friend texted me about some struggles they are having. They said, "I'm getting angry at God and I am getting bitter." Have you ever been in conflict wth someone? If you don't process through the conflict with the person you are angry with, you can destroy the relationship. You get so bitter and eventually, if it persists, you withdraw from the person and write that relationship off as a loss. The same thing can happen with the Lord. The enemy's most basic trick is to ...

The temperature at this moment says 13 degrees. The wind chill -3. There is a lot of snow predicted for the next several days. Today, I couldn't help but think how lovely it would be if adults got snow days. A friend pointed out to me that sometimes, with enough snow, they do. Not it my world. Homeless shelters don't close. I am proud of the work that the Lord has given me to do every single day. I am proud to work at a godly place that swings the doors wide to broken and hurting. I am proud to assist people when they are in the darkest seasons of their life. But it is nights like this when I am most reminded of the most basic reason I am proud of what I do. Tonight, people who may have otherwise frozen to death on the streets will have a shelter from the cold and the snow. Tonight loving and caring individuals will give them warm showers and blankets while also speaking life and truth over them. Tonight people will rest their head in safety and protection. On...

As I was thinking today about what I was going to write I sort of chuckled because I felt like the title that had settled in my heart was funny after what I wrote last night. This morning I asked my "goal girls" if anyone else felt in need of a little reboot. It all seemed like we were all floundering a bit on the things we set out to accomplish. I chuckled at the word reboot because last night was called crash. I have a technologically savvy friend, who I complain to most anytime my computer gives me trouble. The most consistent advise he gives me is to simply reboot. Kick it off and then back on. It's almost obnoxious to me how often that solves the problem. There were too many windows open, the system was overloaded. It simply needs to be shut down completely, cleared out and rebooted. Do you ever feel like that? Like you are failing in your life because you simply have too many "windows" open on you "home-screen"? Too many programs pulled...

In my life, I have a pattern. Push until you make it, then crash. Today was the crash. Ever since I had mono the crash comes so much harder. It's inescapable. For me a big part of the crash is simply having a moment to just stop. Stop moving. Stop thinking. Stop doing. This morning I STRUGGLED to get myself motivated to work. This evening when I came home, I crashed in a major way, like fully knocked out, starving but sleeping through dinner CRASHED. I am grateful that the Lord give grace in the crash and strength to persevere until I get there. I know that I am weak and have a lot of growing to do but I am glad that his mercy gives me room to do it. I am glad that He has shoulders broad enough to caring my exhausted imperfect self and that He give me room to rest. Sometimes the crash feel like failure but in His amazing love he is teaching me it's fuel. It's a chance to collapse, stop spinning, regroup and move ahead. Today I crashed. I napped. I chatti...

Musical 2017 is in the books. I did not fall of the stage tonight. Now it is time for some self actualization. As I laid prostrate on the floor tonight in total exhaustion, talking through with some of the cast members how the evening went, we began to reminisce about some of the musicals we have done in the past. As we did, I had a moment of clarity about something that I had found myself struggling with most of the day. You see, after my little tumble to the floor last night, the enemy began to whisper some really very ugly things in my ear. "You are so fat and clumsy. Of course you fell. You are just ridiculous up on that stage. You have no business up there. This is why you could never do anything more than some silly church plays.. ." On and on it went. I knew it was warfare. I knew it was sent to knock me off my square but it really sent my heart to an ugly place. I pushed it all aside so that I could pull myself together and power through toda...

Have I mentioned that this is "Christmas Musical week"? I'm not sure if I have made that clear that last few days. Today was round one. It snowed all day. Our road remained unplowed and 30 minutes to showtime I stared our the window, trying to hold onto my Pollyanna optimism and confidence hoping even a few people would come. As it turned out some people were brave and we had a respectable size audience. Now, my little crew is not a group of professionals by any stretch of the imagination, but they put their hearts and souls into the production. Over the years these plays have grown. We started a few years back with one run of a cheery little musical. Tonight we completed the first of two full blown dinner theaters. Things went well tonight, for the most part. All until the moment I fell off the stage. Thats right...right on my backside. It was graceful to day the least. My pride, my arm and my...backside all came out bruised. I managed to roll with it and the...

The musical has been kind of all consuming, I'm tired, slightly slap happy, and my mind is spinning with details sooooo heres a little nonsensical poetry tonight...you're welcome. 'Twas the night before the musical and all through my brain all the details were spinning and making me insane. With curlers in my hair and a list in my mind a peaceful night of sleep might be hard to find. The lines are all memorized and the stage is all set, we have practiced and it's as ready as it's going to get. The songs have been sung time after time we worked so hard to learn our blocking and lines. I am all tucked cozy in my bed with mountains of curlers attached to my head. When what should my wandering brain find so clear but the fact that this musical happens but once a year. It's easy to get wrapped up in details and stress, it's easy to fear it will just be a mess. But the reason behind why we perform every play is to bring the message of Christ in a n...

Yesterday, I didn't have much to say, my brain has been consumed by work, musical and just powering through life. But I wrote a little blurb about my hatred for cats. Today, I still don't have much to say, although I am more rested. I could type you out my list of things to do because that is what is swirling around in my head. The good news is, the world will not end if I don't accomplish them all. I am learning that it is ok to release things. It's ok not to carry every part of every burden around. It's good to trust that even if you fail, or miss something that ultimately what matters is that you did your best to do what the Lord asks of you and then trusted Him with the details. Somehow in this journey the Lord is teaching me to release my grip and enjoy the journey. He is teaching me that I don't have to be so hard on myself all the time and that not every burden is mine to carry and not every battle is mine to fight.  He is teaching me to sl...

My brain is a bit mushy today from loads of paper work and tons of musical details. So tonight, I have little of consequence to say. Instead I'll share some nonsense that was brought to my attention. I know that I feel over the top feeling about this and that that in and of itself is it's own. Rand of nonsense but here it is. This commercial was brought to my attention tonight and even just thinking of it now, quite a while later it makes my blood boil. If you know me well, you know I hate cats. Whether I ever marry or remain a spinster, I will NEVER be a cat lady. The more I am around them, the less I like them. I can't fully tell you why, most of my reasoning is probably irrational things like, they skulk or other such nonsense. Suffice it to say I don't like them. On the other hand...I am not sure I have made you aware of this but I LOVE Christmas. Like...kind of a lot. Like if Christmas were a man he might have a restraining order against me cause I woul...

I mentioned before that I live with my parents. This week, they are out of town. You may think, as a woman who spent several years living on her own, that this would delight me a little and you wouldn't be wrong. I crave solitude sometimes. You might also think that I would "live it up" while they are gone. Then you would be less correct. I'm writing this at 3:00am because i just woke up with a start realizing I had passed out at like 9. Yesterday (ok it was really the day before) I wrote about how it was musical season. Today/yesterday I was thinking about what musical season means in my life. Every Christmas for the past 18 years I have directed and sometimes starred in a musical. These are low budget affairs, so this means I become a costumer, set designer, prop master and all sorts of other things. As I thought through, I think that between Christmas, Easter and now our summer camp, I have directed about 34 musicals. Of those I have written by myself or ...

This weekend, I styled a "greaser wig" and built a diner out of bed sheets. It's musical season. 5 days until show time. My brain is filled with thoughts of sets, props, lines, costumes and lyrics. I'm fried. I really am not thriving right now on my goals. I feel like I am just getting by. But the Lord is my strength. He is my song. He will get me through this week and be glorified in the musical. He will help me thrive. I don't have much to say today, because my brain is tired. So I'm going to rest now. :) See you tomorrow world...

Snow :) The first real snow. There is something about it that relaxes me. It makes me instantly merry. I want to swirl around in circles in it, batting the flakes off my eye lashes and catching them on my tongue, just like a little girl. It's so refreshing and purifying. It's so beautiful. I was to curl up on a couch, with Christmas light twinkling with some hot beverage and a good book. It's makes me feel cozy and peaceful. I love the holidays. I love the snow. For now. :) I live in a place with 4 very distinct seasons. I love them all very much for their own unique personalities. More than anything though, I love the hint of change. The first snow, The dripping of water and the appearance of buds in spring. The first night I can drive home from work with my windows down. The first sound of the tree frogs and glimpse of a firefly. The distinct smell of fall and the crispness that fills the air. I love the change and the anticipation of the chang...