real gains

This summer, before I made the choice to defer my marathon run to next fall, I was working very hard. I was eating very healthy and running LONG miles everyday.

One day I decided the time had come to pop on the scale and check out my progress. 

....it broke me. 

It told me that I had gained weight.

I literally went into a tailspin after this. I couldn't pull myself back together. I laid in bed sobbing half that morning.

Later that day, I tried to  go out for a "long run." I had planned to go ten miles but, at about four, I broke down on the side of the road sobbing again. I had to call my mom to come and get me.

Like I said, I was broken.

Just yesterday, one of my sweet fitness buddies sent our crew a selfie of her sitting on the floor dejectedly. She had just weighed herself.

I had some rather "choice" words to say about the scale and how it measures our success.

That was great, when I was saying those things to her. This morning however, I weighed myself. I'm not sure why, its not my usual "weigh day" and I have neglected the scale for a couple weeks now, but I did.

Now I want to pause and paint a picture of my life for the past 25 days (well today is day 26). 

I have run everyday. At least one mile, just like I commit to do.
I have eaten very clean. No refined flour, no refined sugar. I gave up cheese and most dairy because they are fatty and I love them too much. I eat almost completely lean meats, chicken and fish, it is very rare that I eat red meat. I am not eating to excess or binging on things.
I drink a gallon to a gallon and a half of water every single day.
I have been SO. VERY. DISCIPLINED.
On my birthday, I didn't even eat cake. I had a few spoonfuls of paleo lemon curd.

I should have lost weight.

I HAVE NOT CHEATED AT ALL.

But today...I stepped on the scale and saw a number that HORRIFIED me. 

It was a GAIN not a loss. 

I'll be honest, before I grabbed my computer just now to write this, I gasped out a SOB. 

But just one...

I don't understand why the scale isn't saying what I want it to.

The flesh part of me wants to quit. 

The enemy is whispering...no...shouting in my mind.

"It doesn't matter what you do, you are too far gone. You will NEVER lose the weight. You are fat. It's all you will ever be."

I want to curl up into a ball and agree with him.

I want to go to the kitchen, grab a block of cheese and eat it like a cookie. (Hmmm I might like a cookie too come to think of it...maybe some chips...is it too early to get a pizza delivered?...wait...NOOOOOOOO.)

I want to throw in the towel...but I refuse to.

This journey is not about the weight loss. I have to trust that part to my Savior. This journey is about obedience. It's about faithfulness. It's about discipline. It's about giving myself over to follow Jesus, mind, body and soul. It's about walking the way He has called me to go, not because of what I will get out of it but because He asked me to.

For 25 days I have been faithful.
For 355 more I will continue to be faithful because I know without a doubt that the Lord asked me to.

I refuse to quit.

I had a dream this week that I was in the house I grew up in. A storm was coming and I was frantically running around getting ready for the storm. The house however was full of people. They seemed to be having a party. I couldn't understand why, while I was running around getting ready for this horrible storm that was coming, they were all so relaxed. Something that I really noticed in the dream was the food. They were eating gooey, cheesy pizza with all the good stuff on it and tons of varieties of sweet treats. I remember walking through the party looking at this food trying to remember why I wasn't supposed to eat it. Then I remember thinking, "well, what am I supposed to do there is a storm coming? I have no other choice." I reached for some of this unwise food and as I did I woke up with a start.

Maybe it sounds crazy but I know that my dreams are often significant. I dream very vididly and I believe the Lord speaks to me through them and that the enemy attacks me through them.

I'm not sure the entire significance yet, but I cannot help but see that there is a "storm" coming.

I refused to let a "storm" or struggle drive me back to who I was before I started this.

Even as I sit here writing this I can almost here a conversation between my Lord and the enemy.

Enemy: Look around, no one obeys you anymore.
Lord: Have you considered my servant Linda?
Enemy: She is only obeying because she thinks she'll get what she wants. If I take away her hope she will do like she has done her entire life and quit.
Lord: Not this time, but you can try if you like.

I know that being obedient by choosing a healthy lifestyle may seem small in comparison to Job from the Bible or people who are giving their lives for the cause of Christ, but obedience and faithfulness have to start somewhere.

There are no parts of our lives that are off limits to the Lord. He wants it all.

In this season, health and fitness is just one of the areas. He is working on in me and He is using it to teach me things far beyond how to drop the weight and get a lean toned body.

The measure of my success cannot be found on a scale. It is found every single day when I type these words. It is found every single time that I chug my list few ounces of water. It is found every chapter and verse that I read, every mile I run, every moment on my knees, every obedient bite I take or do not take.

Its not about what I get out of this process, It's about what I put into it. When I pour myself out doing what the Lord asks I will have "gains" far greater than anything I can acheive in a gym. 

I will not give up.

If in 355 days my body looks exactly the same as it does today, then fine, but I know my heart will have changed. It cant help but change because I am placing it in the hands of the Potter to shape and mold as only He can.

You can't have my hope devil.
My hope doesn't come from the scale, or "gains," how far or fast I can run or what size I wear. 
My hope is in the Lord

"But whatever gain I had, I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord." Philippians 3:7-8