shouting truth over the lies

As a woman, I struggle with my identity. I cannot seem to quiet the sound of the enemies voice as he spews all kinds of awful things at me about who I am, how I look, my relationship with the Lord and so many other things.

I work with women who struggle with this for my job. My deepest passion in this line of work is to speak truth to them so they can start to believe something different about themselves. Many of them pretend to be so strong and confident but they are angry and wounded. They show this by giving themselves in ways not worthy of the priceless value they have in the Lords eyes.

A question I constantly ask myself is how can I convince others of their value when I can't seem to believe in mine?

I saw this quote this week and it cut me to the quick.

When do we stop believing in our value?

As I eased into this journey, I shared my plans with a three very close people in my life. Across the board they could all relate with this journey in some way. Each one decided to start a journey of their own, all unique to where the Lord has them in their season of life. Because of that commonality, I decided to connect us all on a text thread so we could both encourage and commiserate.

This morning I knew the Lord had laid on my heart to write about this topic but as we conversed an idea sparked. The rest of this blog is the result of that.

I realized as we talked and shared, that the way we see ourselves is so wrong and so warped. I would never go around and say the things I say about myself in my mind about one of these beautiful women. So I asked each one of them to help me write this post today. I asked them to write the things that they think about themselves and then the things that they think about each of the rest of us.

This is Michelle:

Here is what Michelle had to say about herself:

The day with which I'm being asked to write how I view myself is interesting timing. Physically, in this current season, I've never looked down on myself so much in my life. People always told me that my 30's would be my favorite decade...that when you're in your 30's you are comfortable in your skin and in who you are. Yet, I am in a season where I've never felt so uncomfortable in my skin and uncertain of who I am. I think this is only because I've suppressed allowing myself to really think on this for so long, and its all coming to surface. I've known for a while now that God gave me physically attractive features. Please don't think thats a conceited thing to say...I just don't want to be one of those people that walks around saying how ugly I am, when I know Gods gifted me with a certain level of beauty. I know He's gifted me with beautiful eyes and curly hair (that I've grown to appreciate lol), with long legs and a nice smile...I can, after a LOT of years of convincing myself and accepting others compliments, appreciate the way Gods made me. However, the struggle to lose excess weight has become an obsession in my mind and spirit for years now...its all I ever think about and I think very few people know that about me. I've allowed it to be the loudest voice I hear with others such as "you're not enough" and "you'll never be a good mother" following closely behind.... 

Society has given us (and our men) a "norm", an expectation that is to be met by women. One that is incredibly difficult to achieve (and to keep)...and yet if we're not in that bubble of perfection, we're made to feel like failures. 

Failure. 

Thats the word I use (or have let the enemy use) to describe myself right now....I don't understand motherhood, I don't understand unconditional love, I've lost how to be a wife amidst trying to figure out how to be a mom, I'm not even sure how to do the work Gods asked me to do with the beautiful people I'm honored to serve in my job...I feel like I fail my parents regularly, I'm not a good enough sister or aunt...the list goes on. I know some are lies, I know some are areas I could grow in. I know the potential I have, the one that Gods placed in me and I know where I've failed to get to that potential. I want to learn to love myself again...but I am not there now. I want to learn to love myself because there are young girls that need women like me to love myself. Because I may mother a young girl someday...because I need my sister to know she's amazingly gorgeous, I need my best friends to know they're beautiful in any version of skin they're currently sporting...Its not just for me but because I want people to know their true value...but I can't share that with others until I learn it and believe it for myself. 

Here is what other's had to say about Michelle:

Emily: Physically: Not sure why she even needs this thread…. She is basically my goal. And I always wanted to be able to do my makeup as pretty as she does. She rolls out of bed looking better than my “final product”. I know this, because I have stayed with her and been her roommate before. And I know that she finds her hair a challenge, but I would love to have a fraction of her beautiful curls.  

As a person: She is literally one of the most lovely and adorable people I have ever met. Honestly, I still have no idea why she ever decided to be friends with me. Doesn’t she know she’s way out of my league? She is so hard on herself, though. She gets nervous, even though people would follow her off a cliff if she mentioned it. She is so very gracious and is a wise leader. She is sweet and encouraging to everyone she meets. I love watching her be a wife and mom and am learning from her. She has walked a lot of the journeys that I have walked, and she has been a dear comfort in some of my hardest moments.

Laura: How I view Michelle...· I mean. BEAUTIFUL!  Beyond words! The most beautiful person I know.  Her hair! Her skin! Her smile! The way she does her makeup! Just ALL of the things!!
· Awesome sense of style!  I want to be her when I grow up!!
· Michelle is selfless, her focus is on her family, she is willing to make many sacrifices so that her husband can work his "dream job".
· Michelle is a great photographer!
· She shares my love for a good cup of coffee!
· She has an excitement and drive for service, especially in disability ministry.
· Michelle is amazingly strong!!  The way she has taken on the journey of foster care and adoption and many other things has shown me over and over the beautiful strength of this beautiful soul.
· She is a leader.
· Honest.

Me: The first time I met Michelle I was immediately intimidated. Not only was she incredibly beautiful but she was poised, accomplished, confident, all the things I want to be. She is precious and has the kindest sweetest spirit. She listens to me rant ALLLLLL the time and speaks incredible words of truth and wisdom. She is a faithful and patient wife and mother. If Jesus ever give me a chance to be either of those things I hope I can be like her. She laughs with me and has the BEST giggle in the entire word. She cries with me and lets me be a mess. She loves Christmas and encourages me to put up my Christmas tree in September. She is a passionate leader and servant of Jesus. She is beautiful outside with her GIANT amazing eyes, perfect teeth, hair that ALWAYS looks good and a fashion sense second to none. More than that, she is beautiful inside in ways I cannot possibly put into words. Her soul is deep and it speaks to mine. I love her so.

This is Emily:

Here is what Emily said about herself:

Each day, I see myself a little differently, but each day I always wish I were thinner and more attractive. Every day since I was about ten, I have been unhappy and upset with my size and appearance.

Some common thoughts that I think are:

~My baby is over 6 months old, and I’m still wearing maternity clothes. That’s depressing and repulsive.

~Don’t ever look at myself in the mirror sideways. It makes me cry.

~What if my husband feels disgusted to be seen with me?

~What if my husband only says that I am beautiful because he wants to have sex?

~What if he hasn’t asked to have sex lately because he doesn’t think I’m beautiful anymore?

~I don’t even know how to handle my own life anymore. My friends feel like I am needy and boring.

~I don’t know how to be fun and social anymore.

~No matter how hard I try, I am always failing someone, somewhere. Always overwhelmed.

~Everybody needs me, but no one actually wants me.

~I should eat by myself or in secret because the people I work with will think I am a pig, even though I’m eating healthy foods.

~I know I should be getting pictures with my family, but I hate the way I look.

~Maybe if I were more athletic, I would have had a better relationship with my dad as a kid. I know he always wanted a son. Maybe he only wanted a son.

~My parents always wanted more kids. Having only one was probably a bitter disappointment.

~Maybe if I weren’t so fat my whole life, I would have been asked on a date or gone to the prom when I was younger.

~What if my husband only married me because he was afraid to be alone and desperate to get out of his parents’ house?

~I don’t think my job is letting me reach my potential, but I should be glad that I have it. I don’t have very many skills, and asking for a promotion/new position would be obnoxious and presumptuous.

~I have never been asked to be in a wedding. (ok, not technically true. I was a junior bridesmaid for my cousin. Too young to count) Why does that bother the life out of me? Because it makes me question if my friendship or kinship even matters to other people. Have I really never meant enough to someone to be part of their wedding? (this wretched thought had me in tears the other night, no lie)

Here is what the others had to say about Emily: 

Michelle: Emily is beautiful. She has laugh that is so contagious. Physically what has always struck me about Emily is her beautiful smile and the way her eyes sparkle---Im not saying that metaphorically or any other way other than they ACTUALLY glitter. Its amazing...Emily has a tenderness of heart that very few people I know have. She cares for people SO deeply. I have also never (truly) met someone with such a generous spirit. She sends me little things in the mail that make my day and wish I were better at doing those things. She thinks ahead of others and puts herself aside to make someone elses day shine...I love that about her. Emily loves Jesus...it shines through and she perseveres to love Him the way He deserves to be adored---with abandonment. Emily is transparent and vulnerable. Its why we've been able to grow so close over the years....we trust one another with our depth of real issues. In our marriages and now as we are mother.s..speaking of mothering. I have not had the privilege of spending time with Emily as she mothers her sweet baby (stupid miles between us!)...but as she shared her heart with me about her desires for her little one and her yearning to be the best mom she can...I know she loves that sweet thing with such abandonment. She's an amazing mom! Of course she hasn't hit that 2-3 year old stage yet....we'll see how she handles THAT ;) 

Laura:  · Emily encourages like no one I have ever met, she has an amazing way with words and she does not hold back when she has something to say to build someone up.

· Emily is a FIERCE friend!  She loves unconditionally, gives until it hurts, and serves others the way Christ calls each of us to serve.

· Emily has a beautiful smile that shows the joy of Christ that is in her heart.  This is something I used to have... but life has stripped that away from me.

· Emily has a great laugh!  This was one of the very first things I noticed about her when I met her.

· The eye Emily has for ways to love and serve those with disabilities and to bring awareness to others (including her daughter) is inspirational.

· Emily is a planner and a nurturer.  I will never forget the first time we really spent any time together was for Lisa's wedding and you had packed snacks and every little thing we could possibly need.  You took care of me in the morning when I was like in a coma from being so so tired driving through the night.  You were the MOM of the group... which was weird for me, because usually I am the mom of the group.

· Emily is a great teacher, and I can truly appreciate that in a person, because I always hoped to be one one day.

Me: One of the most powerful things Emily ever did for me was make a little book of quotes from her to me to encourage me. In it she said, "I love being the Diana to your Anne." If you haven't read Anne of Green Gables then you basically don't understand, but I wept when I read those words. What it meant to me is that Em lets me be the shiny one. She is the Samwise to my Frodo. When I am weak she is a faithful encourager. I have never know a better gift giver. It's genuinely intimidating how good she is at it and it makes me feel like a failure by comparison. Over the last 6 months I have loved watching her grow as a Mommy to her daughter and a wife to her husband. She is one of the most generous and giving people on planet earth. She is always prepared like carrying floss because she knows I will inevitably need it after we eat and I never have it. I love her smile. Her rosy cheery face is comforting to me. Her eyes sparkle with beauty but also with her kindness. Em is an individual, sometimes she even wears her pearls to bed and that makes me smile. I love that Emily sort of swept into my life, declared our friendship and has stuck with me through thick and thin ever since. Thank you for being the Diana to my Anne, Em.

This is Laura:

Here is what Laura had to say about herself:

· I am "short and stout" if you will.

· My hair gets dirty super fast and generally just does not look good, therefore I wear pony tails like ALL the time.

· I have far too much weight to lose and I just keep allowing that problem to grow.

· My boobs are huge, they are the first thing people notice about me and I see them as my biggest imperfection. When I look at a picture or look at myself in the mirror, that is the first place my eyes are drawn, and I have never even once liked what I see. 

· My face is fat.

· I will never be enough or be able to do enough to get people to really, truly love me.  Sometimes I even begin to believe that people only love me because I do things for them or reach out and encourage them and if I were to stop then I would be all alone.

· I am undesirable (for all the reasons mentioned above and oh so much more).

· I do not have a "real" job.

· I am forgettable and easy to walk away from, this is why I have had friends walk out of my life with such ease.

Here is what the others had to say about Laura:

Michelle: Laura! I am still getting to know Laura, but I've seen her enough times to know she's so beautiful. She has a great smile and beautiful eyes...Fantastic hair and a great sense of style! I admire Laura's "realness" she doesn't play...she tells it like it is and I think thats FANTASTIC. I feel like Laura is not superficial...shes real, she speaks truth in the same tone and she talks about what food she'll be ordering, she laughs when its funny and smirks when its not. She's real and its what drew me to her as soon as we were introduced. I envy that...I come from a lifetime of trying to fit into each group of people I hang out with. So, if I have 3 social groups, I act how each of them want when Im with each of them....As I traveled through life I lost the part that was ACTUALLY me. Im beginning to find it again...Gods just began that journey...but to meet someone so seemingly confident in who she is and how Gods made HER to be.....WHEW! I love that :) 

Emily:Physically: She has the best curves. I remember thinking that at Lisa’s wedding. I also love her laugh. Her smile is quite infectious, too. She is just cute. I know that’s a generic term, but it’s literal truth. Cute.

 As a person: She is hilarious and so much fun. I don’t know her extremely well, but when I am with her or talking to her/texting/messaging, I feel very comfortable, like we have been friends since forever started. I wish we lived closer because I want to hang out with her more than once or twice a year.

Me: I will just start by saying that there is no one in this world understands me on the level that Laura does. She is my built in bestie, not just because she is my cousin, but because she is a relentless friend. She is so straight forward and honest with me. She speaks truth in love and she never lets me feel forgotten. Laura will give until she falls over then scrape herself off the floor and give some more. She is one of the greatest friends I know and invests deeply in the people she loves. She is an awesome youth leader and pours into her youth group kids as if they were her own. She works full time at two part time jobs, She is an awesome auntie, sister, daughter, cousin, niece and granddaughter. If Jesus ever makes her a mother she will be one of the best. She is beautiful. People sometimes gush about how much we look alike and I am so flattered. I love her freckles with all my heart. The gap in her front teeth makes her unique and beautiful. She is curvy and strong. Her sense of style is always on point. I could go on for days but what it really boils down to is that I don't know what I would do without this woman in my life. 

This is me:

Here is what I have to say about myself:

When I look in the mirror or at a picture, I hate it. All I see is lumps and rolls. All I see is fat. I am certain that it is the first thing that people notice about me and it makes me timid and sometimes awkward when I first meet people. I am sure that I am somehow unworthy of relationships of any kind because I have disqualified myself, by being fat. I hate to shop for clothes because nothing looks good on my body. I hate to eat in front of people I don't know because I assume they are taking inventory of everything I put in my mouth. For a long time, I just gave up. I thought that there was nothing I could do and I didn't take care of myself at all because I thought my only role in life was to take care of everyone else. Even though I started this journey a few years ago and have taken off and kept off a lot of weight, I cannot see anything different. When I look in the mirror or at a picture I only see the girl I was around 90lbs ago. 

My shoulders are too broad. I have pretty blue eyes but they are small and have bags under them. I have soft healthy hair that I have no clue what to do with. My nails are dry and brittle. My legs don't fit the rest of my body. My teeth are very small. Don't even get me started on what I look like in my glasses. I have no idea about how to dress fashionably for my mishapen body type. 

Even if I manage to lose all the weight my body is too far gone to ever be what I would like it to be. My skin will sag and always remind me that I was fat. I have disqualified myself form ever being worthy of love because I commit the unpardonable sin of being over weight. I am a fraud. I'll never be as holy or spiritual as people think I am. I will never be able to impact anyone's life the way I long too. I am undisciplined and lack follow through. I may be crushing goals at the moment but they will never add up to any real change in my life. I will probably never be a wife of mother because the Lord doesn't trust me with those roles. 

What the other's had to say about me:

Michelle:Linda is actually one of the most beautiful people I know. As Im growing, Gods redefining the word beauty. As is evidence from my feelings above about myself, I still have a long way to go. Its funny because I TEAR myself down for physical imperfections but I can see beauty in others almost instantly...I think its why disability ministry fits me so well. 

Linda glows. She loves Jesus to the point with which I wish I could love Him even 1/4th of how much she does...(She also drinks a TON of water, which makes her actually glow lol!) Her teal eyes literally shine with such beauty its intimidating. Her giggle is infectious and she's got some danggggggg good leg action happening (hashtag gru) ;) As a person, I look at Linda and I see Jesus. Linda and I have confided in one another about how we tend to not be finishers...but as of late, she's setting goals and smashing them and I admire that. She's become a "finisher". She looks at a homeless person, covered in filth, cats, dirt, drugs...and she smiles and can't wait to love on them. She wants to adopt ALL the children...and she could. She's strong, yet wise. She's a prayer warrior. I know when I send her an SOS that she hits the ground to pray for me. She fills a room with laughter and doesn't even have to try...shes truly an incredible woman who I admire so greatly. 

Emily; Physically: She has the bluest and most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. And she is so photogenic. I have never seen a photo of her that didn’t make me smile or remind me how beautiful she is. Also, I love to watch her do her makeup. Her sense of style speaks to me. She makes me want to be brave enough to try skinny jeans and leggings.

As a person: Not sure where to start. She is literally the most talented person I know. I have never seen her try something she hasn’t been good at. She knows how to point anyone and everyone to Christ. People are naturally drawn to her and trust her with their thoughts and secrets. It’s uncanny. She is someone that you can share any emotion with, and she can (and will) meet you there. I have laughed with her and sobbed with her. She has seen my deepest joy and darkest sorrows. She has always been able and willing to reach out and make the journey less lonely. She has the heart of Christ, especially when dealing with “the least of these”.

Laura: · She has beautiful eyes.· She has beautiful hair (that grows so fast it makes me ANGRY)
· Linda's smile makes me smile.
· I LOVE her laugh and it is one of very few sounds that I can just pull up in my mind in a quiet moment with no effort at all.
· Linda is my encourager, my biggest fan, my best friend.
· Linda is one of the strongest and most determined people I know.  She does not give up on her goals and dreams.
· Linda points me to God, first before anything and every single day.
· She has the most amazing sense of humor.
· Listens to me, cares for me and truly takes the time to see my heart, even the messy parts.
· Linda is my partner in crime, always there for me, even if it just means sitting on my couch watching the food network while I sleep... just so that I do not have to be alone.
· She helps me see beauty in myself on the days when I feel I have none.
· Linda is generous.
· Linda has a heart for the hurting.
· Linda has an amazing voice!!
· Linda helps me to see myself differently.
· Linda is faithful.
· She has a very strong relationship with God and an amazing knowledge of the Bible... another way I want to be like her when I grow up!

These words were gut-wrenching and emotional for us all to write about ourselves. But they are real. They are the thoughts that the enemy shouts into our heads Every. Single. Day.

They are lies. It is almost ridiculous to read them paired next to the truth of how others see us.

We MUST silence lie with truth. 

Enough is enough. 

We have to stop hating ourselves. 

When we hate ourselves, we are telling the Lord that the truth about what HE sees in us and what HE says about is is not enough. That is the greatest lie ever told. When we doubt ourselves, we doubt our Creator.

It has to stop. 

We have to embrace the truth of what God says about who we are. We have to actively stop listening to the voice of the enemy and start calling on the voice of the Lord. Let's ask Him to show us our value in His eyes. Let start a revolution of loving ourselves and others not for who we think they are or what we see bt who God says they are and what He sees.

When that voice whispers lies into ours ears lets take charge and shout truth.

If you can't find the truth for yourself...

ask a friend...

they seem to have a clearer view.