failure
I'm going to come right out and say it.
Today...I am grateful for failure.
The past few days I have not been feeling that well. Beyond just the physical, I have been struggling with some emotions as well. When I get to this place I know that I have to lean into the Lord because I know my tendency to 'shut down."
Once I shut down it is hard to pull myself back out of the tailspin. I don't want to do anything, frankly going for a run would be the LAST thing in the world I would want to do. I want to eat foods that are convenient and comforting, which of course are seldom good food choices.
Have you ever seen a video from "The Tonight Show" of Jimmy Fallon and one of his guests playing "Slapjack"? It's a game where both contestant wear a GIANT hand and whoever wins the round of blackjack they are playing gets to SLAP the other with the giant hand. This hand is so big it is not abnormal for the contestant getting hit to fall right off their chair. That's how I have felt the last three days emotionally and physically. I don't know why but I have. In the past, this combination of not feeling well physically or emotionally would have been a great one two punch to knock me off my square. (Or my chair...ya know, like Jimmy.)
I am learning however, that I am not perfect and that this is totally ok. I am also learning that when I want to "shut down" I need to lean into the Lord.
With all of this new knowledge, today I found myself sort of bouncing out of my funk...or so I thought.
The last two days I have barely scraped out a mile run. Today, although truthfully I wasn't feeling much better physically, I was resolved to do better.
I headed out for my run and was clipping along at a decent pace. I planned to go for a "long run" today. Nothing crazy just about 5 miles, which is something I am totally capable off. (It won't be fast but I can do it.)
I ran down my road and then turned off onto a trail near my house. I was about 2 miles in when...I hit a wall. I tried to push but I realized I may have, still not feeling so hot, bitten off more than I could chew. I had those "cold sweats" you know, not the kind of sweating you get from a workout, more the kind you get from a fever. All I could think about was that I wanted to be home. I had failed my run for the day. I began to walk.
Now I found myself with a bit of a predicament. There were a couple routes that I could take to get myself home. One of these routes was quite long. The other was incredibly hilly but much shorter.
I need you to understand when I say hilly, I'm not referring to the rolling hills I normally run. When I say hilly I mean if I went this way I would encounter what is probably one of the biggest hills in our county. Even though at this point I was now walking, it would still be very challenging to walk up this hill.
At this point I started walking the long way around. I did NOT want to walk up this hill. I realized quickly that this was not a wise choice, as I was now moving at a much slower pace. If I continued to walk the direction I had intended to run...It would be dark before I made it home. So, I turned around and headed for the hill.
As I walked a thought danced through my mind.
Out of that "failure" however, came the adventure I find myself on today. A journey that in just one months time has changed my heart in ways I cannot even express. A journey that I am certain has just begun to scratch the surface of revealing all that it will hold.
This evening, when I stopped running and started walking, again the enemy whispered to me that I had failed, but I realized something. Our path does not always look the way we think it does. Sometimes what where we thought we were headed isn't where we are headed at all. Sometimes the "shortcut" we think we have found is really a harder path than we ever could have imagined. Sometimes the road less traveled is exactly the road we were meant to travel.
Today...I am grateful for failure.
The past few days I have not been feeling that well. Beyond just the physical, I have been struggling with some emotions as well. When I get to this place I know that I have to lean into the Lord because I know my tendency to 'shut down."
Once I shut down it is hard to pull myself back out of the tailspin. I don't want to do anything, frankly going for a run would be the LAST thing in the world I would want to do. I want to eat foods that are convenient and comforting, which of course are seldom good food choices.
Have you ever seen a video from "The Tonight Show" of Jimmy Fallon and one of his guests playing "Slapjack"? It's a game where both contestant wear a GIANT hand and whoever wins the round of blackjack they are playing gets to SLAP the other with the giant hand. This hand is so big it is not abnormal for the contestant getting hit to fall right off their chair. That's how I have felt the last three days emotionally and physically. I don't know why but I have. In the past, this combination of not feeling well physically or emotionally would have been a great one two punch to knock me off my square. (Or my chair...ya know, like Jimmy.)
I am learning however, that I am not perfect and that this is totally ok. I am also learning that when I want to "shut down" I need to lean into the Lord.
With all of this new knowledge, today I found myself sort of bouncing out of my funk...or so I thought.
The last two days I have barely scraped out a mile run. Today, although truthfully I wasn't feeling much better physically, I was resolved to do better.
I headed out for my run and was clipping along at a decent pace. I planned to go for a "long run" today. Nothing crazy just about 5 miles, which is something I am totally capable off. (It won't be fast but I can do it.)
I ran down my road and then turned off onto a trail near my house. I was about 2 miles in when...I hit a wall. I tried to push but I realized I may have, still not feeling so hot, bitten off more than I could chew. I had those "cold sweats" you know, not the kind of sweating you get from a workout, more the kind you get from a fever. All I could think about was that I wanted to be home. I had failed my run for the day. I began to walk.
Now I found myself with a bit of a predicament. There were a couple routes that I could take to get myself home. One of these routes was quite long. The other was incredibly hilly but much shorter.
I need you to understand when I say hilly, I'm not referring to the rolling hills I normally run. When I say hilly I mean if I went this way I would encounter what is probably one of the biggest hills in our county. Even though at this point I was now walking, it would still be very challenging to walk up this hill.
At this point I started walking the long way around. I did NOT want to walk up this hill. I realized quickly that this was not a wise choice, as I was now moving at a much slower pace. If I continued to walk the direction I had intended to run...It would be dark before I made it home. So, I turned around and headed for the hill.
As I walked a thought danced through my mind.
"And here I thought I failed my work out. My gluts are going to get the workout of a lifetime."It was then that the Lord settled on my heart that failure is never what we think it is. Thomas Edison is quoted as saying,
"I failed my way to success."A few months ago, when I found myself in prayer over whether or not to defer my entry for the marathon, I struggled with feelings of failure. I had trained. I had wanted it. But I knew that I needed to defer. It felt like failure.
Out of that "failure" however, came the adventure I find myself on today. A journey that in just one months time has changed my heart in ways I cannot even express. A journey that I am certain has just begun to scratch the surface of revealing all that it will hold.
This evening, when I stopped running and started walking, again the enemy whispered to me that I had failed, but I realized something. Our path does not always look the way we think it does. Sometimes what where we thought we were headed isn't where we are headed at all. Sometimes the "shortcut" we think we have found is really a harder path than we ever could have imagined. Sometimes the road less traveled is exactly the road we were meant to travel.
As I trudged up that giant hill today the words of a song by TobyMac were pulsing through my head.
"Move, keep walking. Soldier keep moving on."
Sometimes we need to fail, so we learn the strength to keep going. Sometimes we need to fail, so we can learn how to find a different path. Sometimes we need to fail, so we can realize where real strength lies and who is leading this journey in the first place.
Yup, I am grateful for failure, because it has taught me that I am NOT a failure.
I can only fail if I give up.
And because I serve a Savior who will not give up on me,
I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
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