misconceptions

Not very far into the process of writing everyday in this blog, I found myself having a conversation with a client. It was a conversation that made me slightly uncomfortable but I felt the Lord whisper in my ear, "Someday soon I want you to write about this topic."

While I am grateful for a bit of foreknowledge that this day was coming, I still am squirming in my seat a bit as I sit and type these words.

Today I was trying to jot down some thoughts as I went through the day for today's post but I was straining to come up with any real ideas. Then at lunch I had a conversation with a coworker that sparked thoughts of this topic again.

She asked me two simple and very innocent questions.

"Do you have kids?"  and
"Do you want to have kids?"

Now if you are a faithful follower of this blog (I know there's about three of you) you may be thinking, we already talked about this because I wrote about the moments of ache connected with singleness and childlessness. That is not what I am writing about.

The thing that this sparked in my heart today as I pondered her question really rested in the concept of purity. The reason the questions today drew my mind to the topic again, is because I do not have a husband, therefore I do not have children. In my life those things go hand in hand.

I am 33.  

I am single. 

I am a virgin.

Just typing those words brings out a mixed emotional response in me. I'll warn you this may get very personal. 

Those words bring a mixed response when I say them to people as well. I work in an industry where almost all of the clients I serve have lived lives that view sex very casually. The majority of them have several children, most by many different fathers. Some people I work with are prostitutes and exchange sex for money. So when this topic comes up I often remain silent but when I do share I get all sorts of responses.

"Wow!!! That's crazy. What are you waiting for?" I'm waiting for my husband.

"I could never do that, I need to have sex or I'll go crazy." I mean, I haven't gone crazy yet...or at least I don't think I have. (Truly crazy people never really believe they are crazy.)

"You don't know what you're missing." No, you're right I don't, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss it.

"Good for you girl, I wish I had waited. But it's too late now, I can't go back." You can't change the past, but you can change your future.

I am very familiar with all types of responses. For the most part the common theme in the way people respond is that they look at me like I have just proclaimed that I have a hidden tail or something crazy. 

The hardest part is that even sometimes when I know the person is a fellow believer, I get a similar response.

Sex has become so common place in our culture that even within the church we have become very lax. 

"They're kids, kids have sex. What are you going to do about it? Everyone does it anyway. It's different then when we were kids."

I struggle with this because I serve and unchanging God. He set up boundaries in regard to sexual relationships to protect us.

As a very young woman I used to sit in judgement about people who struggled with sexual impurity. Since becoming a little older and wiser my heart has changed. The Lord has taught me time and again that sin is sin. If I look at something on television that causes my mind or even my heart to lust then I am equally guilty and even as a 33 year old virgin, I am equally guilty.

There are also some misconceptions that arise.

1. I don't want to have sex.
2. It is easy to wait.
3. I never lust.
4. I cannot relate to people who struggle with sexual impurity.
5. I am a prude who instantly judges everyone who does struggle with this.
6. I am weird
7. I am broken.
8. I have some sort of crazy strength or faith that is not normal because I have been able to wait.

A misconception that I often find myself lost in is the fact that I am undesirable. Because of my lifelong struggle with my weight and appearance it is easy to leap to the place in my mind that I have gotten to this age and am still waiting, because how could anyone ever want me.

I guess the reason the Lord has me writing this is to clear up some of the misconceptions.

1. I don't want to have sex. 

I DO want to have sex. It is a natural and beautiful part of life that we are created with a desire for. I want to have sex with a man that I love to express that love to them. I want to experience closeness and intimacy in ways that I never have. I want to create life through this gift that the Lord has given to us so I can have a living, breathing, walking around expression of the love and passion that I have for the man of God I marry.

2. It is easy to wait.

It is NOT easy to wait. Everyday, in some way, I struggle with waiting. Maybe it is in my heart because I long for intimacy and someone to be close with. Maybe it is physical because just like any woman my age I have natural desires. Patience in any form is never an easy thing to walk in.

3. I never lust.

I do struggle with lust. Just because I have have never physically "had sex" does not mean I haven't struggled in other ways. It doesn't mean I haven't made the choice to willfully set things before my eyes, my heart, and my mind that I know are NOT productive for my heart and my purity.

4. I cannot relate to people who struggle with sexual impurity.

It's true, I cannot relate exactly with people who struggle with sexual impurity because it is not an exact road that I have walked down. I do however struggle and I have learned that no matter what you are going through no person can relate to you in your exact struggle because they aren't you. We all process things in our own way. So just because I have never had sex does not mean I cannot love and support you even if I cannot fully identify.

5. I am a prude who instantly judges everyone who does struggle with this. 

I stated before, I used to truly have a hard time with judging people who struggle with sexual impurity. I WAS a prude, but Jesus has removed that from me. I often feel like when I share that I am virgin people or that I am waiting for my husband in order to have children, that people take that response as "Oh you didn't wait? MMMMhmmmm...sinner." That couldn't be further from my heart. It like when you are out to dinner with a Vegan and just being there with them makes you feel like, "Oh you're going to eat that bacon...yeah, you'll be dead in five years for sure." This is my choice. It is my conviction. It is a road that I have walked but I understand not everyone has. Guess what? Sexual impurity is sin. Ya know what else is? Overeating. (Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.)

6. I am weird. 

I am not sure I can correct this misconception. Our society says abstaining from sex is weird. so, I AM weird.

7. I am broken.

This one is hard fro me to correct. Somedays this very thing DOES make me feel incredible broken but the Lord says differently. The Lord has called me to purity and gently reminds me that I am NOT broken, I am victorious. I so not need to be ashamed, I can embrace the blessing that this victory brings. You see, one of the reasons that God told us not to engage in sexual immortality was to protect us, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have been blessed to walk in the Lords protection for 33 years.

8.  I have some sort of crazy strength or faith that is not normal because I have been able to wait.

I have no special strength, faith, will power or anything else that isn't available to every other person on this planet. The Lord is my strength. The Lord is my purity. I lean into Him and nothing more.

When it comes to the enemies shout and reminders that I am undesirable, I have no choice but to go back to God's word and look at what He says is worthy of being desired, Proverbs 31. Now we often life to skip ahead the the description of the wife of noble character but I think there is a little nugget of truth in the beginning that is not to be missed. This passage is not being written to a woman saying "This is what you should strive for." It is being written to a man saying, "This is what you should LOOK for." Before the author makes it to that description, he admonishes,

"Do not give your strength to women, your ways to those who destroy kings." 

The author is setting the stage to say a woman can make or break you. Do not follow the lust of your eyes because it can lead to all kinds of trouble.

Then he closes the section with the famous verse.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

The Lord is revealing through this description that sexual, physical and worldly beauty will not last. the beauty that a godly man should seek is that of a woman who seeks after God.

Yes, I want to work on my body to make it more physically beautiful, but if it is at the expense of my relationship with the Lord then it is not worth it.

Yes, I want to be desired by a man but not just as an object for sexual gratification. I want to be desired because I am a godly woman. I want to be noticed for my generosity, enthusiasm, passion and joy. I want all of those things to bless my husband richly in all the ways we live our daily lives including our sexual relationship.

More than that though. I want to be obedient to my Savior. In this phase of my life that means fighting for my purity and using it for His glory.

I want to stop being embarrassed that I am waited and live the life that God has placed me in with a heart of steadfast faithfulness.

Perhaps someday I will honor my husband with the gift of my purity. Perhaps that day will never come. If it doesn't, then I will honor my Savior with the gift of my purity.

I am His and He is mine.