crying on the fitting room floor

Yesterday was a LONG day again too. I spent the whole morning and afternoon at the little league park cheering for some sweet kiddos during some exciting firsts. Even though it was cold, and rain, what fun seeing them try new things!

After that I found myself with a mission. I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and I needed something to wear. So, I went shopping.

If you know me well you know I HATE shopping. Like, I totally detest it.

The reason I hate it so much is because it literally has never been fun for me. I have struggled with my weight all my life and a result, clothes are hard to pick out. My body looks weird in things or all the clothes in my size look like tents. I have never been "fashionable" per say and I STRUGGLE, not to just wear yoga pants and hoodie everyday. I don't feel comfortable in clothes BUT I do manage to come up with every day things that I feel ok in. 

One thing I REALLY don't do well or often is get dressed up. Finding dresses is very hard for me, so suffice it to say, the task at hand last night was not one I approach with great relish. I was, however, cautiously optimistic because I have lost a little. It of weight. I was hoping to find something flattering that I would feel good about myself in.

All of that optimism was dashed within a couple of hours. After going to two stores who stopped carrying dresses at the exact size I wear, I found myself in my car, sobbing giant real tears. I felt so stupid. I felt so fat, ugly, worthless. I felt so broken and defeated. I didn't even want to go to my dear friend's wedding anymore even though I KNOW my friend wouldn't care if I should up wearing a burlap sack, she would just be glad I came. But it didn't matter.

Every dress I tried on made me feel very in comfortable. I have a lot of quid pro quo when it comes to dresses.

Not too short, my legs are weird and I feel very uncomfortable.

NO SLEELESS, my arms are flabby and I feel uncomfortable.

This new cold shoulder trend?...yeahhhh I have shoulders like a linebacker, I can't draw attention to them.

Nothing that would require me to wear a strapless bra. My boobs are WAY to big for that nonsense and I would feel horribly uncomfortable.

It can be fitted at the bottom, it makes me look like hungry dumpty because of where and the way I carry my weight. 

Are you seeing my struggle. I have a small window of things that "work" and I couldn't find any of it. 

The other struggle that I hade was many of the dresses fit oddly and I had to "size up" one or two sizes. This reduces me to putting on clothes in sizes I worked VERY hard to stop wearing.

Sooooo, with all this, I found myself sitting in my car totally rejected.

A couple girlfriends knew what I was doing and could tell via Snapchat that I was completely unraveling. They tried to comfort me but I felt like a comfortless blob.

Here is the thing that I found really interesting through. BOTH of these women are people I would love to look like. They are smaller than me, they are beautiful and they are very fashionable dressers. Both of them are people who look very lovely and put together most of them time in ways that I wish I could scratch the surface of. 

Yet, BOTH told me the exact same thing. 

"Linda, do you know how many times I have cried on the floor of a dressing room?"

What? Are you kidding me? I would pay lots of money to look like both of them and  yet in their own way, they could relate to my struggle.

This made me so angry. 

How in the world have we gotten to a place in our world where we worship outer appearance so much that it can make us feel this way?!?!?

I, for one, am really mad about this. Like, I am furious. These women who told me this are GORGEOUS women. I almost couldn't stomach their words because it THEY still feel this way then how could there ever be hope for me?!?!? I am MILES, maybe YEARS away from being where they are at. I even said to one, "I wish you could experience shopping in my body so you would never feel so defeated again." 

I am not sure that would help though. Because no matter what we look like we will always have a mold, and idea, an image of someone better or of what society says and we will never fit it just right. We weren't made to fit molds!!!!

I want to take a HAMMER to the molds an smash them into a million pieces. 

I want to light them on fire and walk away like a renegade.

I want stand on corners and wave signs protesting this nonsense because that's exactly what it is!!!! NONSENSE. 

I'm over the dejected feelings from last night. Im not broken anymore.

I'm furious. 

I am SOOO angry that the enemy has the power to make people feel this way over something so stupid. Enough is enough. 

People. Have. Value. 

It should be celebrated. 

As I was trying on dresses in one particular store a woman came out of the dressing room across from mine. I'll be honest, she had a shape that was odder than mine even. She was very short and very round. She was wearing a sleeveless dress that clearly made her slightly uncomfortable but do you know what? When she stepped out of that dressing room she mustered up all her confidence and strutted her stuff in the mirror and she looked beautiful to me. 

I NEVER want to cry over clothes again. That is given power to something and someone who does not deserve any of my energy wasted on him. 

I want to be like the lady in the bright blue dress. Whatever my size, however long it takes me to reach my goals. I want to love myself. I want to see my own beauty. I want to stop loving who I can become and start loving who I am.

I know I have written things like this before but this is coming out of years of self loathing, it doesn't happen overnight. 

But right here, right now I am vowing this. Next Saturday, I am going to strut MY stuff whatever I am wearing. I am going to have fun. I'm going to celebrate and appreciate all the beautiful people around me realizing that their beauty in no way takes away from my own.

No, I am not tall and slender with legs for days and a beautiful face to match. It's ok, what I am is great too. I'm fun. I will make you laugh. I will dance like no one is watching and not even care that I'm TERRIBLE at it. Most days, I am very joyful. 

I will not let the enemy take that from me. 

Next week, as I celebrate the marriage Kenny dear sweet friend, I'm going to celebrate something else too.

Me.

I'm pretty great.