it's breaking me...

Sitting down to write right now, I gave a cynical laugh when I clicked the "new post" button and caught a glimpse of the title of last nights post.

"imperfection"

I thanked the Lord for His use of imperfect things.

Perhaps today He was testing just how much I meant that.

Today was far from perfect.

Today I was far from perfect.

In fact, mid-run when I paused my fitness tracker, sat on a stone wall and sent a 911 text to my prayer buddies, I describe myself as "the worst version of myself."

Did you ever read "Alexander and the terrible horrible no good very bad day"?

Well I just lived it. Some of the things were big awful things like a client passing away. Some of the things were little irritating things like my run app not opening or reports not running correctly, but it all added up to a really spectacularly awful day.

Honestly, I don't even feel like writing right now.

I just want to climb into my bed and forget this day happened.

Some of the struggles that came to me today, I handled with grace and a peaceful spirit.

Others...not even close.

At one point during my run, My dog started barking at me from the yard and I literally yelled,
"Not today DOG! Don't you bark at me. I'm not above kicking you today." (That's not even the meanest thing I said to her.)

It was very windy as I ran today. I actually really enjoy the wind but today it seemed no matter which way I turned the wind was making my run more difficult. I actually yelled out loud as I ran, "Seriously LORD!!! Can I get even one break today?"

Yup. I yelled at God. Out loud, for any neighbor who was outside to hear.

I hated who I was in those moments even as it happened but it was like I couldn't get back to being a rational person.

I'll be real. The day really never improved, right up to the very moment I left work tonight at midnight, things were going wrong.

Even as I right this I am fighting feelings of failure because the date stamp will say 11-11 and not 11-10.

As I sit here writing, yearning for my bed, its finally settling on my heart what my "grateful thought" is for the day.

Today, as everything was spiraling apart, to the people who are closest to me, I kept using the phrase, "This is breaking me."

I am grateful that, even when we are our MOST broken, the Lord doesn't give up on us.

I HATED the person I was today. I was messy, emotional, short tempered, angry, sad, frustrated and soooooo many more things. But you know what? God loves that messy girl. No matter how broken I am He still loves me.

The other thing about this broken state, is that sometimes, the Lord has to break us so He can rebuild us.

The last few weeks have been a lot of up and down. I believe I AM being broken so I can be rebuilt. I am grateful that the Lord hasn't given up on me and is willing to work through the ugliness of this process to keep bringing beauty to my messy heart and life.

Yup, today broke me.

Tomorrow...may not be any better.

But even on the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days...the Lords hand is at work building something beyond our wildest imaginings.

Ok...now I'm going to imagine my bed...good night world...here's hoping for a better tomorrow. :)




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