growing pains
There is a blinking cursor at the top of this screen taunting me to come up with words, a title, and eloquent thoughts.
To be honest my heart is a little ugly right now. Its been on a bit of a roller coaster today...do I say that everyday? It's getting redundant huh? Yet, once again I strapped in for a ride unique for today.
Without dragging you through all of the details, the climax of this day has brought be face to face with the reality of just how self-centered I am.
I AM NOT SAYING THIS TO GET YOU TO SAY "OHHHHH LINDA YOU'RE SO SELFLESS."
Trust me, I am not.
It's actually almost comical to me that, after committing to 30 days of gratitude, the Lord has brought to my eyes how deeply ungrateful I actually am. I should have expected nothing less but it still makes me chuckle a little that I was so proud I didn't see this coming. LOL (Legitimately laughing out loud)
It's strange. There is actually a bizarre freedom in looking at some of the ugliness within myself and not trying to justify why its ok or explain it away but to simply call it ugliness.
This week I snapped at clients and family members. I grunted responses and rolled my eyes. I fixed my eyes so inwardly that I failed as a friend, a coworker and a servant.
Sure, I had some great moments where the Lord pushed through my mess and did some beautiful things. I'm not saying that every second was a dismal failure.
My dear sweet mother, in all her eloquence, likes to say, "Well, if God can use Balaam's ass (oh come on, get your mind out of the gutter...she means the donkey kind) He can certainly use me."
When I was a young girl, just like all self respecting little girls, I longed to have a horse. As a treat, on occasion, my mom would take me to go horseback riding. It wasn't really her favorite thing, even though she grew up on a farm, but she did it for me.
There was one particular time that we went that I was placed on this beautiful chestnut mare, while my mother was giving some sort of...I wanna say mule...something donkey-esque. Needless to say, while I was having a grand time on my regal trotting pal, my mother was STRUGGLING to wrangle her...mule?...I am going with mule.
She was displaying first hand why people say, "Oh that one is as stubborn as a mule."
This mule led her down wrong paths, stopped all together at times and genuinely gave mom a run for her money.
I think of that scenario and I think of Balaam's...donkey... then, I think of me.
How stubborn I can be, charging down wrong pathway's and stopping all together. Yet, still somehow useful to the Lord.
This week the Lord showed me that I am guilt of having a complaining spirit. He showed me that I look around at other's and say to the Lord but I'm not doing what THEY are doing so cut me some slack. The truth is, as much as my entire flesh wants that slack, my spirit doesn't.
There is so much refining to be done in this weary, slightly broken, selfish, mule stubborn woman that I am. But that fact that He takes the time to refine me fills me with hope. He is not done with this story, not even close. He will not leave me where I'm at.
I am grateful for that.
I cannot pretend like facing this reality wasn't slightly painful, but I am glad for the pain in the pursuit of growth. Somedays, my workout leaves me in pain, but it's usually on those days that I actually know its working.
I am grateful for the growing pains.
I am grateful that tomorrow is always fresh, with not mistakes yet...and lot's of room to make mistakes.
I am glad that I serve a God with shoulders broad enough to carry my mistakes, with a heart big enough to forgive my mistakes, and a love deep enough to not leave me in them.
To be honest my heart is a little ugly right now. Its been on a bit of a roller coaster today...do I say that everyday? It's getting redundant huh? Yet, once again I strapped in for a ride unique for today.
Without dragging you through all of the details, the climax of this day has brought be face to face with the reality of just how self-centered I am.
I AM NOT SAYING THIS TO GET YOU TO SAY "OHHHHH LINDA YOU'RE SO SELFLESS."
Trust me, I am not.
It's actually almost comical to me that, after committing to 30 days of gratitude, the Lord has brought to my eyes how deeply ungrateful I actually am. I should have expected nothing less but it still makes me chuckle a little that I was so proud I didn't see this coming. LOL (Legitimately laughing out loud)
It's strange. There is actually a bizarre freedom in looking at some of the ugliness within myself and not trying to justify why its ok or explain it away but to simply call it ugliness.
This week I snapped at clients and family members. I grunted responses and rolled my eyes. I fixed my eyes so inwardly that I failed as a friend, a coworker and a servant.
Sure, I had some great moments where the Lord pushed through my mess and did some beautiful things. I'm not saying that every second was a dismal failure.
My dear sweet mother, in all her eloquence, likes to say, "Well, if God can use Balaam's ass (oh come on, get your mind out of the gutter...she means the donkey kind) He can certainly use me."
When I was a young girl, just like all self respecting little girls, I longed to have a horse. As a treat, on occasion, my mom would take me to go horseback riding. It wasn't really her favorite thing, even though she grew up on a farm, but she did it for me.
There was one particular time that we went that I was placed on this beautiful chestnut mare, while my mother was giving some sort of...I wanna say mule...something donkey-esque. Needless to say, while I was having a grand time on my regal trotting pal, my mother was STRUGGLING to wrangle her...mule?...I am going with mule.
She was displaying first hand why people say, "Oh that one is as stubborn as a mule."
This mule led her down wrong paths, stopped all together at times and genuinely gave mom a run for her money.
I think of that scenario and I think of Balaam's...donkey... then, I think of me.
How stubborn I can be, charging down wrong pathway's and stopping all together. Yet, still somehow useful to the Lord.
This week the Lord showed me that I am guilt of having a complaining spirit. He showed me that I look around at other's and say to the Lord but I'm not doing what THEY are doing so cut me some slack. The truth is, as much as my entire flesh wants that slack, my spirit doesn't.
There is so much refining to be done in this weary, slightly broken, selfish, mule stubborn woman that I am. But that fact that He takes the time to refine me fills me with hope. He is not done with this story, not even close. He will not leave me where I'm at.
I am grateful for that.
I cannot pretend like facing this reality wasn't slightly painful, but I am glad for the pain in the pursuit of growth. Somedays, my workout leaves me in pain, but it's usually on those days that I actually know its working.
I am grateful for the growing pains.
I am grateful that tomorrow is always fresh, with not mistakes yet...and lot's of room to make mistakes.
I am glad that I serve a God with shoulders broad enough to carry my mistakes, with a heart big enough to forgive my mistakes, and a love deep enough to not leave me in them.
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