weary mind, heavy heart

My mind is weary.
My heart is heavy.
But I have hope.

I know my God is good.

Without sharing many details, last night the call I got was regarding a suicide attempt. Now a unique and precious individual is laying in a bed in an ICU fighting for life.

There are so many questions that may never be answered.

There is so much trauma that may take years to heal.

I'm struggling between my pragmatic side and the gifting of faith that I have.

I KNOW my God is a healer.

I also know sometimes that's not the road He chooses to use.

I know what the long term results of this sort of situation can be even if the individual pulls through.

And I am caught somewhere between all of it, trying to know how best to trust in the sovereignty of God.

In the last 24 hours I have listened to doctors speak careful facts and potential prognosis. I've listened to my friends, coworker and clients alike weep over what happened. I have heard the screams and ramblings of a mother in shock. These are moments that I may never forget.

I feel detached, exhausted, emotionally wrung out.

At this moment I am rejoicing in the mercy of God. Right now, I don't even have the wherewithal to run to Him as I ought. But even then I know He is holding me. I know His arms are around me and He will not let me go.

He sees my weary mind and He will give perfect peace and rest.

He sees my heavy heart and He will carry the weight of all this when I don't have strength.

This is far from over, but my God is right there working out every detail.

I'm a crier and I haven't even managed many tears yet, but I know the floodgates will open and when He does, I'll take comfort that I love and serve a God who promises that I'm so valuable to Him that he keeps every tear I cry in a bottle.

He sees me.
He holds me.
And He works all things together for good.



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