my biggest idol...

I have attempted to write this post at least 4 times now. I am struggling with what to say. There is a very real part of me that feels like a fraud staring at this screen trying to come up with words of eloquence to offer wisdom or inspiration or at very least let you know about where I am at with things today.

The place that I am in is one of trying to let go all the mess that I made today and all the failures. I feel a little bit like a crazy person. Ok, if I am being 100% honest I have BEEN a little bit of a crazy person today. I had a temper tantrum…not a small one I had a fit of uncontrollable tears. I was short with people who did NOTHING to me. I was unsupportive of an individual who is unfailingly supportive of me. In short, I have been incredibly selfish which has made me feel like I’m a complete lunatic.

It’s ok guys…try not to be intimidated by how awesome I am.

It’s probably a good thing that I write this blog every day. It makes me take a real look at myself and makes me be real about what I see. Today, I don’t love what I see. Actually if you are an avid reader, the reality is that a lot of days I don’t like what I see,

After my first ridiculous blow up (and is was RIDICULOUS), the thing that sent me to the floor of my office was actually something much less dramatic. A dear friend shared with me that after running for only like a week…less I think actually, she ran a 5k today. This. BROKE. Me. I have been running for 2 years. Yes, I can run a 5K but it took me six weeks. All of the sudden I spiraled down a road of all the things I want to be and all the reasons I am not and may never be those things. Within a moment, I took an opportunity to celebrate the accomplishments of someone that is beloved to me and made it all about my personal failures.

It quickly spiraled from there because I recognized how dumb it was and it made me so unbelievably ANGRY that I wasn’t supportive.

I was absolutely paralyzed by a cycle of comparison.

It’s interesting because in my scripture reading today the disciples gathered around Jesus to ask who would be the greatest in the kingdom. His response was to bring a little child to Himself and say, “Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

 To say the very least, as I had to apologize to multiple people today, I was forced to be humble.

But I feel rather like one of the disciples, always looking around and comparing myself to other people. I don’t honestly think the motive is the be the “greatest” its more that I am so desperate to measure up and I don’t think I do.

As my friend shared her triumph today all I could think of was my own failure. Before I could even get to a place of celebration for her I found myself having a pity party over how hard this journey has been for me.

The dark reality is that with all the other places in my life that I am a disaster (and there are many) my struggle with my weight is my most vulnerable. NOTHING makes me feel more worthless, my quickly than this area. I was just joking with another friend a few days ago about how she is lucky I will be her friend because it is hard for me to even stand next to her because she is so beautiful, but the sad fact is, there is some truth in that. I love to scroll through Pinterest and because of the nature of the journey I am on I spend the majority of my time with that app looking at health and fitness related items. I have actually started blocking every single post that passed through my news feed with a half dressed, physically fit, beautiful woman on it because instead of inspiring me, they make me feel like NOTHING.

So when my friend was able to easily accomplish something that it took me WEEKS to do (and not even that well) in like a couple days, I came unglued. All the ugly that I had been carrying around all day (and trust me there was some UGLY) came flooding out in a rush of tears.

I WANT to be a daughter who doesn’t lose her mind in a conflict. I WANT to be a friend who celebrates and supports the efforts and successes of the people she loves without giving any thought to myself…

But today…that wasn’t who I was.

I was angry and rash. I spewed unkind words. I made people feel guilty.

And then…I HATED it.

A few days ago I shared that I was going to be “wandering into the dessert” in order to seek out and tear down the idols in my life. Two days later, I know what the biggest idol that needs to be addressed is…



Although it is easy for me to justify that I am not a selfish person…I mean, I work with homeless people, the reality is that I am.

I am because my own feelings and interest still have the power to consume me and to paralyze me.  They have the ability to take me to place of fear and anger. Even when I find myself constantly questioning my own worth and value, it stems from pride and selfishness. Those feelings start when I am looking inward. I need to be validated. I need to measure up. The reality is, that I can never find real validation outside of Christ and the only measuring stick I need is the cross.

I need to be like Christ. That is the only thing that matters. It’s not how many miles I or someone else can run. It’s not how much I weigh. It’s not the kind of employee that I am, or the type of daughter. All of those things fall into line when I focus on being a follower of Jesus.

I will NEVER obtain perfection, but I long to be someone who steps out of the way and lets people see Jesus. I want to take a page out of His playbook where He said, “He must be come greater and I must become less.”

I failed at this today…

But tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes…yet.



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