find me at the well

This evening I was having a conversation with my cousin and somehow, once again, it took a turn to the subject of our physical insecurities. I will be real. I have a lot of them. I will spare you the list or too many details about this conversation except to say that I wound up making her very frustrated by the fact that I do not see much beauty in myself.

I am fully aware that the features that recommend me to others will never come from surface level interactions. I am not a ravishing physical beauty, nor will I ever be no matter how successful I am at shedding pounds, getting fit or applying makeup.

I am not saying these things to be self deprecating at all. Please here me qualify the difference between my physical beauty and ACTUAL beauty. I know that I have beauty. I know there are things about me that make me incredibly unique and rare and lovely. I even know that there are things about my physical appearance that are pretty. I also, however, know that people will most likely stumble over themselves around me because of my physical appearance.

Honestly, I don't care and that, is progress.

I don't want everything beautiful that I have to offer to sit on the surface of my skin. I want it to sink down deep into the core of who I am. I want it to be that the deeper you dig the more loveliness you found. I want my heart and soul to be like a fine jewel hidden deep within a mountain. That is the kind of beauty I want to have.

I was having a conversation with a male friend once a long time ago. We were talking about different characters in the bible and, in a way that only a man can, he said, "Rebekah must have been drop dead gorgeous." His reasoning was because Isaac agreed to marry her on the spot.

I was rather taken aback by this. I considered it for a moment and then conceded that perhaps she was, in fact, scripture says she was attractive but that was not the thing that set her apart. When Abrahams servant went in search of a wife for Isaac he didn't go looking for the first pretty face among the appropriate clan, rather, he went in search of a servant. His confirmation from the Lord came through the heart of a servant that the Lord had put into Rebekah.

When Eleazar asked her for something to drink she gave it to him without pause and then watered his camels too, which was no small task. She went out of her way to serve a stranger. Yes, she may have been very beautiful, but that is not the characteristic that I seek to emulate, I want the thing that sets me apart to be the generosity of my spirit and a heart ready and willing to serve others.

I want to draw from the well and pour myself out for others. That is the beauty that I want the world to see.

Yes I will keep working hard to improve myself. Yes I will keep working hard to love myself (inside and out) but more than anything, I want my beauty to be evident in the life that I live. The closer people come to my heart the more depth and strength and beauty I want them to behold. A beauty that can only come from the Savior who dwells in me.

He is my beauty.

He is the well that I draw from.

May I always be found in Him.

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