solitary confinement
This post is for the lonely souls...
For those of you who know me well, you know that I can and will bring the party.
I love to laugh and joke. I love being silly and having fun. I have a quick (sometimes too quick) wit and a flare for snark. Once I settle into a group I can't seem to hide these sides of my personality. Perhaps even to the point that sometimes it is a defense mechanism.
Keep them laughing baby. Then everyone will like you.
And you know what?
It works.
People love the funny girl.
In my life, I have walked the two different roads in regard to my personality.
One is the funny one, the other is the fixer.
I have Vanilla Ice syndrome, "If you got a problem, yo I solve it...."
There is a very real reason for this side of my personality but I won't explain that all today. It does however, cause me to be a person that people come to with their needs nonstop and this can be draining.
Both of these roles have left me pretty lonely over the years with very few really strong solid friendships.
One one hand I have the people who want to laugh with me but never dig deep into the depths of who I am under the laughter. On the other hand I have the people who need something from me by mostly take without giving back. When I find myself in the midst of a struggle many of the people that I know I would walk through fire for are busy, or have vanished.
*disclaimer...if you are my friend do not sit here trying to figure out which of these you are!!!! If you are taking the time to read this, you are neither!*
The point I am driving at here, is that, over my life I have always had a relatively small circle of actual friends.
This has resulted in me experiencing a lot of loneliness...
Oh and I have I mentioned I'm 33 and single? I think I may have. That doesn't help either.
So yes, I have experienced a lot of loneliness over the years. But you know what?
It. Wasn't/Isn't. Wasted.
I think honestly one of the seasons I grew the most in my life was my time in Eastern Kentucky. But you know what? That was literally the loneliest time in my life.
Yes I was surrounded by the kids I worked with all the time but I was pouring into them. It wasn't a give and take.
Guess what? Being surrounded by people DOES NOT mean you are not isolated.
At that stage in my life I was literally isolated. I lived 500 miles from almost all my family. I lived alone. I had no cell phone, internet, texting, social media. I had VERY few friends, I mean, FRIENDS. People who would plummet the depths of all the ugly with you and not run away.
I used to stumble through my door at night and fall onto the couch in tears because I was so exhausted, and so alone.
But you know what? In those moments of tears I learned something. I learned when there was absolutely no one else...there was the Lord.
I can remember holding my cordless landline in my hand one day when my heart was shattering over something. I stared at it because it had failed me. I had tried to call everyone I could think of to process something that was hurting my heart and NO ONE answered. In that moment I realized the only person who was always available was my savior and I HAD to lean into Him. He could handle it.
Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for the people in my life who do go to the deep places with me. But they will not always be available.
You don't have to be 33 and single to feel this way.
Maybe you're a mom drowning and feeling like your the only one who isn't figuring it all out.
Maybe your job is crushing you and NO ONE understands.
Maybe you are far away from the people you love the most.
Maybe you just don't have many real and deep relationships.
Whatever the case. You. Are. Not. Alone.
There is a song, please contain your shock...music speaks to me ok?
The first time I heard it I almost drove off the road. I couldn't FATHOM that I had heard the lyrics properly.
It's called "Keep Making Me." It's about praying scary prayers and being willing to walk through hard things if that's what it takes to known the Lord. The lyrics that almost put me in a ditch were:
"Make me lonely, so I can be yours
Till I want no one, more than you Lord.
In the darkness I know you will hold me.
Make me lonely."
Why would someone pray that?
I actually do know why.
It's because when you have no one else but Jesus, He becomes your everything.
So to all my lonely friends and I would venture that's all of us at times. Let's stop drowning out the loneliness or filling it with superficial friendships. Let's wallow in it, in the best way possible. Let's savor moments when all we have and all we need is Jesus.
I'll end with this thought.
I heard a story once about some missionaries who were captured and put in prison in...I want to say North Korean.
After they were freed, the gathered together at some point to debrief from their experience. All of them agreed that although they wouldn't want to go back, there was a part of them that missed the intimacy with God that happened as they were locked alone in a prison cell.
Because even in solitary confinement, they were alone.
You are not alone.
Lean in. He's there.
For those of you who know me well, you know that I can and will bring the party.
I love to laugh and joke. I love being silly and having fun. I have a quick (sometimes too quick) wit and a flare for snark. Once I settle into a group I can't seem to hide these sides of my personality. Perhaps even to the point that sometimes it is a defense mechanism.
Keep them laughing baby. Then everyone will like you.
And you know what?
It works.
People love the funny girl.
In my life, I have walked the two different roads in regard to my personality.
One is the funny one, the other is the fixer.
I have Vanilla Ice syndrome, "If you got a problem, yo I solve it...."
There is a very real reason for this side of my personality but I won't explain that all today. It does however, cause me to be a person that people come to with their needs nonstop and this can be draining.
Both of these roles have left me pretty lonely over the years with very few really strong solid friendships.
One one hand I have the people who want to laugh with me but never dig deep into the depths of who I am under the laughter. On the other hand I have the people who need something from me by mostly take without giving back. When I find myself in the midst of a struggle many of the people that I know I would walk through fire for are busy, or have vanished.
*disclaimer...if you are my friend do not sit here trying to figure out which of these you are!!!! If you are taking the time to read this, you are neither!*
The point I am driving at here, is that, over my life I have always had a relatively small circle of actual friends.
This has resulted in me experiencing a lot of loneliness...
Oh and I have I mentioned I'm 33 and single? I think I may have. That doesn't help either.
So yes, I have experienced a lot of loneliness over the years. But you know what?
It. Wasn't/Isn't. Wasted.
I think honestly one of the seasons I grew the most in my life was my time in Eastern Kentucky. But you know what? That was literally the loneliest time in my life.
Yes I was surrounded by the kids I worked with all the time but I was pouring into them. It wasn't a give and take.
Guess what? Being surrounded by people DOES NOT mean you are not isolated.
At that stage in my life I was literally isolated. I lived 500 miles from almost all my family. I lived alone. I had no cell phone, internet, texting, social media. I had VERY few friends, I mean, FRIENDS. People who would plummet the depths of all the ugly with you and not run away.
I used to stumble through my door at night and fall onto the couch in tears because I was so exhausted, and so alone.
But you know what? In those moments of tears I learned something. I learned when there was absolutely no one else...there was the Lord.
I can remember holding my cordless landline in my hand one day when my heart was shattering over something. I stared at it because it had failed me. I had tried to call everyone I could think of to process something that was hurting my heart and NO ONE answered. In that moment I realized the only person who was always available was my savior and I HAD to lean into Him. He could handle it.
Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for the people in my life who do go to the deep places with me. But they will not always be available.
You don't have to be 33 and single to feel this way.
Maybe you're a mom drowning and feeling like your the only one who isn't figuring it all out.
Maybe your job is crushing you and NO ONE understands.
Maybe you are far away from the people you love the most.
Maybe you just don't have many real and deep relationships.
Whatever the case. You. Are. Not. Alone.
There is a song, please contain your shock...music speaks to me ok?
The first time I heard it I almost drove off the road. I couldn't FATHOM that I had heard the lyrics properly.
It's called "Keep Making Me." It's about praying scary prayers and being willing to walk through hard things if that's what it takes to known the Lord. The lyrics that almost put me in a ditch were:
"Make me lonely, so I can be yours
Till I want no one, more than you Lord.
In the darkness I know you will hold me.
Make me lonely."
Why would someone pray that?
I actually do know why.
It's because when you have no one else but Jesus, He becomes your everything.
So to all my lonely friends and I would venture that's all of us at times. Let's stop drowning out the loneliness or filling it with superficial friendships. Let's wallow in it, in the best way possible. Let's savor moments when all we have and all we need is Jesus.
I'll end with this thought.
I heard a story once about some missionaries who were captured and put in prison in...I want to say North Korean.
After they were freed, the gathered together at some point to debrief from their experience. All of them agreed that although they wouldn't want to go back, there was a part of them that missed the intimacy with God that happened as they were locked alone in a prison cell.
Because even in solitary confinement, they were alone.
You are not alone.
Lean in. He's there.
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