at the altar
I'm not really sure how this post is about to go. I know where it is supposed to go, but I don't know if I know how to get there. Its one of those "Are you sure this is what we are doing today Jesus?" kind of posts. But here it is. Once again, much to your surprise I am sure, I need to write about my single status.
I guess the best place to start is by saying that I went to a wedding yesterday, maybe you already knew that, anyway...
I have this "thing" about weddings. Its something that I really almost cannot control. It's like something rises up in me out of a place that I don't know is there any other time. A yearning, an ache, it's deep and sometimes it is ugly.
My deepest desire at a wedding is to celebrate for the people I love on one of the happiest days of their life and for the most part I can, but there is that tiny place that simply will not be ignored.
It rears its head in those moments when you see the complete joy on the face of the bride and groom. It rises up when you awkwardly make your way to your chair because a slow song came on and that is just one step too far in the whole third wheel situation that your gracious bestie and her husband have let you be a part of. It's just there waiting in the back of your mind even as your heart is full of joy for all the many displays of love that are surrounding you.
Ok, all that information was to just set the stage a bit for the main event. Let me just start this part by saying, there are two things that despite my great imagination, I have never really been able to conjure up a clear image of in my mind no matter how desperately I try.
One of those things is that I cannot picture myself in my "ideal" place physically. aka...I cannot picture a thin, physically fit version of Linda. Most days in fact, I barely see myself as I actually am. I mostly see the girl I was a few years ago before I began to make any change in my life.
The other is that I cannot, in anyway, picture myself as a bride. Even way back when when my youth group kids thought it would be fun to go try on wedding dresses I wouldn't because I simply couldn't put that image into my head.
I think on both fronts, both of those things have been so illusive that my mind has never dared to hope.
The reason I tell you that is so that you will believe me when I say that yesterday as I sat there, head bowed to my Lord, eyes closed listening to a friend sing the beautiful words of the Lords prayer, my Savior placed a picture in my mind.
I saw a beautiful and radiant bride adorned in a long flowing veil sweeping down the aisle. It was me, but it was a very different me. It was a version of myself that I never dared to hope for. My face was peaceful and I wore a simple contented smile. I was confident as I swept down the aisle and at the other end there was a beaming light. I walked towards it was no hesitation and complete joy.
Now, please don't think I've lost it. I walked away from that moment with a deep peace. I have for the last 24 hours carried that picture in my heart, not as a promise that I will get skinny and get married, but as a promise that no matter what, I am loved and cherished as a beautiful bride by my Savior and King.
All throughout this journey, I believe He has been wooing my heart to this place. As any woman would, I long to give my heart to a man and be cherished and loved by an earthly husband. He has spent the last 7 months however reminding me that I am cherished and loved with a passion so deep that nothing and no one could ever match it. Tonight, He is asking me to to run into His arms as a beautiful blushing bride, chosen before I was even created to belong to Him. He calls me beloved and asks me give my heart to Him with out hesitation.
So that is what the rest of this is, my vows to the first love of my life and the husband of my heart...
My Jesus, my Savior, my Holy One, my Friend. You have taught me the meaning of love even when my heart wasn't ready to see. You have walked with me, quietly, faithfully, and wholly through every moment of my life. When I was faithless, You have been abundantly faithful. You have never and You will never walk away. You have wooed me with Your steadfast love as the most gentle and passionate suitor. You never forced Yourself or came on too strong, You simply waited for me to see that You were there, that You had always been there, that You will always be there. I regret the moments that I have ignored You and sought to be loved and filled from empty vessels. I regret the times when I have willfully turned away from You, when I knew that You were seeking me out. I know, that all the days of my life will be struggle and that there will be moments when I fail deeply, when I question Your love and when I turn my eyes away from You but Jesus, I ask you to never give up on me. I know you wont. From this day forward, I promise to do my best to embrace the love that You lavish on me knowing that I cannot earn or ever deserve it, but you give it nonetheless. I promise to trust Your promises to me and to speak them over my life. I vow to look to You and only You as my source of strength, hope, and affirmation. I commit to spend quality time, soaking up Your goodness but sitting in Your presence everyday. I vow to fall more and more in love with You each day, knowing that to know You more is to love You more. I promise to learn the sound of Your voice and the beat of Year heart so that when You lead, I will follow. I vow to tear down idols and leave behind the things that break Your heart, I commit not to strive or walk in shame or believe that I am somehow not enough. I promise to trust You when you say that I am. I could go on for an eternity professing my love and promises to You, and I will. But for now I will say simply this, I vow to You that now matter what, You will always be my Beloved and that anyone else who comes into my life will only be to add to that, and never take away, because after all,
I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine...
I guess the best place to start is by saying that I went to a wedding yesterday, maybe you already knew that, anyway...
I have this "thing" about weddings. Its something that I really almost cannot control. It's like something rises up in me out of a place that I don't know is there any other time. A yearning, an ache, it's deep and sometimes it is ugly.
My deepest desire at a wedding is to celebrate for the people I love on one of the happiest days of their life and for the most part I can, but there is that tiny place that simply will not be ignored.
It rears its head in those moments when you see the complete joy on the face of the bride and groom. It rises up when you awkwardly make your way to your chair because a slow song came on and that is just one step too far in the whole third wheel situation that your gracious bestie and her husband have let you be a part of. It's just there waiting in the back of your mind even as your heart is full of joy for all the many displays of love that are surrounding you.
Ok, all that information was to just set the stage a bit for the main event. Let me just start this part by saying, there are two things that despite my great imagination, I have never really been able to conjure up a clear image of in my mind no matter how desperately I try.
One of those things is that I cannot picture myself in my "ideal" place physically. aka...I cannot picture a thin, physically fit version of Linda. Most days in fact, I barely see myself as I actually am. I mostly see the girl I was a few years ago before I began to make any change in my life.
The other is that I cannot, in anyway, picture myself as a bride. Even way back when when my youth group kids thought it would be fun to go try on wedding dresses I wouldn't because I simply couldn't put that image into my head.
I think on both fronts, both of those things have been so illusive that my mind has never dared to hope.
The reason I tell you that is so that you will believe me when I say that yesterday as I sat there, head bowed to my Lord, eyes closed listening to a friend sing the beautiful words of the Lords prayer, my Savior placed a picture in my mind.
I saw a beautiful and radiant bride adorned in a long flowing veil sweeping down the aisle. It was me, but it was a very different me. It was a version of myself that I never dared to hope for. My face was peaceful and I wore a simple contented smile. I was confident as I swept down the aisle and at the other end there was a beaming light. I walked towards it was no hesitation and complete joy.
Now, please don't think I've lost it. I walked away from that moment with a deep peace. I have for the last 24 hours carried that picture in my heart, not as a promise that I will get skinny and get married, but as a promise that no matter what, I am loved and cherished as a beautiful bride by my Savior and King.
All throughout this journey, I believe He has been wooing my heart to this place. As any woman would, I long to give my heart to a man and be cherished and loved by an earthly husband. He has spent the last 7 months however reminding me that I am cherished and loved with a passion so deep that nothing and no one could ever match it. Tonight, He is asking me to to run into His arms as a beautiful blushing bride, chosen before I was even created to belong to Him. He calls me beloved and asks me give my heart to Him with out hesitation.
So that is what the rest of this is, my vows to the first love of my life and the husband of my heart...
My Jesus, my Savior, my Holy One, my Friend. You have taught me the meaning of love even when my heart wasn't ready to see. You have walked with me, quietly, faithfully, and wholly through every moment of my life. When I was faithless, You have been abundantly faithful. You have never and You will never walk away. You have wooed me with Your steadfast love as the most gentle and passionate suitor. You never forced Yourself or came on too strong, You simply waited for me to see that You were there, that You had always been there, that You will always be there. I regret the moments that I have ignored You and sought to be loved and filled from empty vessels. I regret the times when I have willfully turned away from You, when I knew that You were seeking me out. I know, that all the days of my life will be struggle and that there will be moments when I fail deeply, when I question Your love and when I turn my eyes away from You but Jesus, I ask you to never give up on me. I know you wont. From this day forward, I promise to do my best to embrace the love that You lavish on me knowing that I cannot earn or ever deserve it, but you give it nonetheless. I promise to trust Your promises to me and to speak them over my life. I vow to look to You and only You as my source of strength, hope, and affirmation. I commit to spend quality time, soaking up Your goodness but sitting in Your presence everyday. I vow to fall more and more in love with You each day, knowing that to know You more is to love You more. I promise to learn the sound of Your voice and the beat of Year heart so that when You lead, I will follow. I vow to tear down idols and leave behind the things that break Your heart, I commit not to strive or walk in shame or believe that I am somehow not enough. I promise to trust You when you say that I am. I could go on for an eternity professing my love and promises to You, and I will. But for now I will say simply this, I vow to You that now matter what, You will always be my Beloved and that anyone else who comes into my life will only be to add to that, and never take away, because after all,
I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine...
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