cool

Today, I need to make an important confession…

I am NOT cool. I probably never will be.

You might be thinking, “that’s not really much of a confession Linda, we knew that.”

But that is only half of it, the other half is this. There is a part of me that really wants to be. There is a part of me that has always felt awkward, backward, less than, unworthy, not enough, whatever else, because I just wanted to fit into the mold of normal or maybe even cool.

I’ve spent the majority of my life being overweight. I went to a private school where everyone was very cool. They all wore nice name brand clothes and were fashionable. Their parents drove nice vehicles and they went on lavish vacations. We went to Bible camp and shopped at the thrift store.

For many years, I didn’t know the difference but somewhere along the way I began to realize that, while I wasn’t an outcast, I wasn’t the same.

From that point on, very subconsciously I spent my life surrendered deeply to one of two extremes. I was either so out there acting like I didn’t care at all about what people thought of me and basically taking zero pride in who I was at all OR I was desperately trying to figure out how to make myself seem like I blend in with everyone else.

I didn’t realize just how deep this ran until just this weekend. I mentioned a few posts ago about the struggle I had shopping for a dress for my friend’s wedding. Well even after my post and my resolve not to let my beauty be defined by my size and all that stuff, I got knocked right back down the following day. I went to find accessories to wear, shoes, purse, jewelry etc. and realized that I have no clue what I am doing. I am not good at figuring out what is stylish, feminine, appropriate for occasions, ANY of that stuff.

I felt utterly backward and uncomfortable in any of the stores I went to. I wound up, once again crumpled up in a pile of tears. I managed to purchase a pair of shoes I felt good about but nothing else. I felt defeated and stupid. I didn’t realize that as this was happening it was just me, once again, desperately trying to fit in with the normal/cool people.

That night, I was supposed to attend a concert kicking off the conference that I just attended. As I was driving to the concert the tears started flowing again. I kept saying to myself and my very chic and cool friends that I was consulting in the matter that “I am just not good at this.” After some words of encouragement and exhortation I was trying to pull myself together as I drive, slapping on some makeup and earrings along the way. I began to calm down slightly when suddenly I heard my Saviors gentle voice.

“Why do you always try so hard to blend in and be like everyone else? I made you to stand out.”

Well suffice it to say this sent me back into a fit of tears. I was angry, I was scared.

“I don’t want to stand out!!! I am no one.”

There was the crux of it. Somewhere along the way the enemy had laid a shame on my heart and convinced me that I was simply not enough. As result I spent so much energy striving to be something that I wasn’t. I wasn’t walking in the true identity that the Lord had created me to be. An identity that is so much more than all of my trying to be something else could even scratch the surface of.

I’m not cool. I probably never will be. Jesus has gently encouraged me to simply embrace all of who I am. Don’t buy the jacket because so and so has one or because you think others would like it, buy what you like, Linda. Be you. Forget about who everyone else is.

The conference I went to this weekend was at a very “cool’ church. They WERE REALLY cool, like so cool I could NEVER hang with these people. But that’s ok. I need to be who I am with the clothes that I wear, the songs that I sing, the way that I worship all manner of things. From the top down, who I am is enough. I KNOW that God is smashing the molds of my shame, my striving and my desire to be enough.

He simply doesn’t want me to be enough.

He wants me to be me. Because me is actually brilliant and radiant and beautiful.

And I think HE thinks THAT is pretty cool.