i can't
Slang is a weird thing. Words slip into our vanacular through culture and we often don't know why or where they came from. Right now, a statement you will frequently hear flying around, are the words, "I. Can't. Even."
I say them all the time.
On this journey, I have set some small incremental goals for myself to break up the drudgery of it all and have things to celebrate along the way. I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was very close to hitting this goal. I think when I wrote that I was within like three lbs.
Since then, progress has been very slow.
Yesterday, finally I was literally 2oz from the number. In fact, when I stepped on the scale the number flashed as it calibrated but it settled just a couple oz up. I felt hopeful. I was determined that TODAY I would see the number.
But this morning, the number was slightly higher.
It was nothing earth shattering or out of the ordinary in the normal ebb and flow of weight loss. But it stung. I wanted so badly to have finally hit that number. It has dangled in front of me for weeks and I felt like it was basically in my grasp.
As I sit here writing this, however, two things are settling into my spirit.
1. I know that the Lord is reminding me that it is a mistake to put hope in anything besides Him. I need to trust His plan, process and timing. He is still teaching me and urging me to draw closer and trust that He cares about ALL the things that matter to me but that He will not be rushed or bossed just because I have plans and expectations.
2. There is a version of Linda that this mornings events would have broken. In fact, I expected to meet that version of myself this morning in the event that I didn't get what I want. I had declared to my girl friends that there would be "real tears" if I didnt see the number. But there weren't. I weighed, I felt disappointed, the enemy started accusing and trying to rob my joy immediately, but I didn't break. Not really.
There is a version of Linda who has made statements like,
"I just want to just throw in the towel and be fat."
"All the sacrifice and hard work aren't worth it."
There is a version of Linda that would have immediately started dreaming of cheating or started thinking about the things that I have given up and "can't have".
But this version of Linda DIDN'T. I didn't even realize it till hours later.
There was disappointment and discouragement to be sure, but there was never once a thought of giving up. There was no thought of cheating or having food I shouldnt have.
This morning, the words I can't, became very real to me. It's more than just I won't. It's I can't.
I cannot quit. I cannot give up. I cannot be content to remain this way. I can't cheat and I can't fail.
I CAN'T EVEN.
It's not even I won't, that implies that my will is involved. Its I can't my will is bound in a way that it has never been before.
And even though I have waves of discouragement and disapointment I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot fail.
That is real hope.
So even though I don't understand the process, I will cling to it. I will walk in it,
and I won't give up
I can't.
I say them all the time.
On this journey, I have set some small incremental goals for myself to break up the drudgery of it all and have things to celebrate along the way. I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was very close to hitting this goal. I think when I wrote that I was within like three lbs.
Since then, progress has been very slow.
Yesterday, finally I was literally 2oz from the number. In fact, when I stepped on the scale the number flashed as it calibrated but it settled just a couple oz up. I felt hopeful. I was determined that TODAY I would see the number.
But this morning, the number was slightly higher.
It was nothing earth shattering or out of the ordinary in the normal ebb and flow of weight loss. But it stung. I wanted so badly to have finally hit that number. It has dangled in front of me for weeks and I felt like it was basically in my grasp.
As I sit here writing this, however, two things are settling into my spirit.
1. I know that the Lord is reminding me that it is a mistake to put hope in anything besides Him. I need to trust His plan, process and timing. He is still teaching me and urging me to draw closer and trust that He cares about ALL the things that matter to me but that He will not be rushed or bossed just because I have plans and expectations.
2. There is a version of Linda that this mornings events would have broken. In fact, I expected to meet that version of myself this morning in the event that I didn't get what I want. I had declared to my girl friends that there would be "real tears" if I didnt see the number. But there weren't. I weighed, I felt disappointed, the enemy started accusing and trying to rob my joy immediately, but I didn't break. Not really.
There is a version of Linda who has made statements like,
"I just want to just throw in the towel and be fat."
"All the sacrifice and hard work aren't worth it."
There is a version of Linda that would have immediately started dreaming of cheating or started thinking about the things that I have given up and "can't have".
But this version of Linda DIDN'T. I didn't even realize it till hours later.
There was disappointment and discouragement to be sure, but there was never once a thought of giving up. There was no thought of cheating or having food I shouldnt have.
This morning, the words I can't, became very real to me. It's more than just I won't. It's I can't.
I cannot quit. I cannot give up. I cannot be content to remain this way. I can't cheat and I can't fail.
I CAN'T EVEN.
It's not even I won't, that implies that my will is involved. Its I can't my will is bound in a way that it has never been before.
And even though I have waves of discouragement and disapointment I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot fail.
That is real hope.
So even though I don't understand the process, I will cling to it. I will walk in it,
and I won't give up
I can't.
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