33...and beyond

The past two weeks have held some heavy things. Deep aches, heart breaks, moments of illness and frustration , nothing to absolutely break me but piled all together it feels like a lot. Most of it has been in my periphery. I have ached for others poor decisions, pain, loss and much more. Yet, even that weighs heavily on the heart.  Today, as I process through a couple other intense items, I find myself in the weird numb place. A place where I know the pain of the news that I am hearing yet can't seem to allow myself to feel it. I am not sure what the Lord is doing or about how to process his timing, but I am sure that He is in all things. Even if I can't seem to feel the full weight of the information I am absorbing, He can, He does and He is.  Tonight I will rest in that.   Just today I was reminded of another season of intense pain weakness and darkness that happened not long ago. I was reminded of one of the hardest most helpless moments of that s...

I can't lie. Today I feel like I am failing all the things.  Last night, I had a blast with my friends. We laughed, sat by a campfire, watched one...maybe two shorting stars, ate s'mores, laughed...did I mention laughed? It was great fun. Somewhere in the night however, out of the blue, I got so sick. I spent part of the night crouched miserably off the floor of the bathroom. I hate it because I don't get a lot of days off just for fun and today was supposed to be one. But today I feel like I have just bombed the day. I went to a parade this morning and barely moved. I went to a picnic I was supposed to help with this afternoon and basically crashed in my hammock. I got sunburnt, ate pretty much only carbs today and cannot muster up the strength to work out for the first time in 21 days.  I'm struggling as I lay in my bed, still feeling miserable to let it go. I know that pushing myself with not make things better. But still I don't like it. I disli...

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.  Proverbs 27:6 In the past few weeks, there have been a couple times where my friends said words to me that stung in the moment. They were spoken in love and deep conviction for my heart but receiving them was tough at first. They came from imperfect human lips but with pure and kind hearts desperately wanting me to grow and be strong.  The enemy was right there. He wanted to take the words and twist them. He wanted me to find all sorts of justifications to toss their way. He wanted me to hear words more than hearts and to believe that my friends simply didn't understand MY life. He sought to unearth all the roots of comparison In my heart. He wanted to divide me from my friends by putting a seed of bitterness in my spirit. He wanted to wound me deeply and separate me from the lifeline that is beautiful fellowship. But somewhere over time, I have learned the amazing spirit and character o...

OK, I have words today. I'm actually writing them as I find them so I don't miss the opportunity. That effectively means, that this post is being written somewhere along the connecting point of the Kalhaven trail and the Kalamazoo River Valley Trail, as I am trudging my way to work. That's right, I am walking. Now, sometimes in the past, I have made the choice to run to work. It is a practice that I enjoy greatly. But today, I walk out of an element of necessity. Yesterday, as I was driving to work, my car decided to… Have an emotional breakdown. Or let's be real, I keep describing it as, "it freaked the freak out."  I was late for work, I had to call my mom like a little girl, and now my car is in the shop being repaired. The timing of this situation has not been ideal. Financially, and the last month or so has been slightly draining. Today, however, is payday and I was starting to feel as though I was leveling off to a more comfortable place...

This week has been the worst one I have had so far when it comes to writing. I have struggled to find words and find myself just collapsing exhausted feeling like I have nothing to say. I have been doing well in some areas but now this is suffering. Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time thinking about balance and grace. I feel a bit like my life and my heart are out of balance. As a result, I need to make space for grace while I am figuring things out. A very real part of me wants to beat myself up for my failure to write this week.  I know writing helps me process. I know much of this journey has been about the discipline to write. I know the enemy wants to keep me from it at all costs. And yet, this week, it has been very tough.  But I press on and seek balance. I accept grace and move forward. I dig in and keep trying. The words need to be written.

I should have written last night but my heart was in a weird place.  It wasn't my favorite day. It started out with two pieces of news that hurt my heart intensely. They made me want to run away from work. How could I possibly sit there all day?  Then as my heart ached, the enemy began to whisper dark and hateful things. He reminded me of things I knew were lies but I couldn't seem to silence him. In a desperate attempt to hear from Jesus and escape if even for just a few moments, I went over to the park on my lunch break to sit quietly, soak up the sun and talk to Jesus. This would not be. Moments after I sat down a gentleman approached me on his bike. He asked if I had a cigarette and I told him I did not smoke. Then he got all together to close to me, standing over me and blocking me in where I was and began to make some very disturbing suggestions of things he would like to do to me.  I tried to remain as calm as I could because suddenly I...

I realize it's been a few days since I wrote. My brain is tired. Life has been more than full that last few days. Between a fundraising breakfast for the mission and spending time getting ready for Joni and Friends this summer, most of my time has been consumed.  I have fellowship with friends, traipsed around the kitchen trying to get my "steps for the day" and prayerfully sought to serve Jesus in the best way that I can.  I'm exhausted. Life is very full. My plate seems like its overflowing a bit, but God is so so good.  I cannot wait to see the fruits of all this labor in a few weeks.  I cannot wait to see what the Lord is going to accomplish.  Ok, I need to go to sleep now.

So I need to make a confession. Last night, before bed, instead of writing this blog, I sat around because I wanted to, got hungry and ate some food I should NOT have eaten. It was so frustrating.  I knew as I was doing it that it would make me angry but I willfully did it anyway. I have plenty of things to be doing right now but I think that's just it. Life got overwhelming for a moment and instead of making food choices I slipped into the old habit of shutting my brain down a bit with some mindless TV and before I knew it, boom, I was snacking.  This morning. I want to beat myself up so bad. I am ashamed that I gave into the temptation when I KNEW better. But I did and I can't reverse it. SOOOOOO... I had at least better learn something from it. So here it is, what I learned and some changes I plan to make and strategy I need to have moving forward. First I learned that I need to war against unproductive ways of shutting down. Sitting in front of the TV for ...

Last night I got home late and my blog about ride or die friendship never materialized. Maybe someday. Today, my inspiration hit as I found myself under a sink in our kitchen getting sprayed in the face by a pretty substantial leak. In moments like this my status of single flies furiously in my face. More than that tonight I found myself struck by the fact that I am just not a dainty and delicate woman.  Over the course of these several months I have found myself many times, face to face with the struggle to understand my role as a feminine being. I find myself more comfortable in a situation where I am under a sink or in my shelter dealing with chaos than I do in many situations that would be considered "feminine."  A week or two ago when I was sobbing on the floor after a shopping trip I found myself saying over and over, "I am not GOOD at this stuff." As I walked out of the house dripping like a wet dog to go get some exercise and process through the...

Today it seems like I should be writing the tirade about how much I struggle with Mother's Day. I can't lie, I don't love it. I also will not pretend that didn't have a few "moments" today.  BUT, for the most part, it was a beautiful day. I spent some time with my family and then had a chance to wander the streets of my town with someone who understands my heart like no one else. We looked at art in a gallery...even touched a few pieces when no one was looking. We laughed, giggled had some silly moments, hung in hammocks and had a delightful dinner.  It was mostly just a lovely day. My life is different than it ever has been on Mother's Day. My heart is different. It's still tender, but it's also strong. One of the other beautiful things about today was this question, "how is your heart?" Through the ugly process that the last several months have been, one beautiful thing has happened. My friends have seen...

My words got lost yesterday. I wrote some, but I don't remember where. I am tired.  It has been a long, full and somewhat draining week. I am exactly sure why, but it has. I will say this, this week a set a few visible and measurable goals for myself and hey were good for me. I worked hard and saw them through. Yes, I may still be trudging thing my room past baskets of laundry that need to be handled. Yes the other side of my bed my currently be occupied by books, notebooks and a few clean laundry items.  But for some reason those piles that are stressing me out just a tinge are also a valuable reminder to me.  Sometimes life is messy and I so desperately want to fix it and clean up the mess. But sometimes I need to take my eyes off the mess and focus on something else. No, it doesn't make the mess go away. Yes, eventually the mess needs to be cleaned up. Sometimes, however, it's ok to admit, I just don't have what it takes to fix this right now!  ...

I wrote a week or so ago about a client of mine that I spent the afternoon with, taking her to the doctor. Since then our relationship has grown by leaps and bounds as she has learned to trust me. During this time, I have learned many things about my relationship with the Lord from her. I meant to write one of those things last week but life happened and I didn't so here are some lessons that I have learned from my friend who for the sake of anonymity I shall call Alice. I see a great deal of parallel between Alice's relationship with me and my relationship with the Lord. Whenever I happen to pass Miss Alice in the hallway she calls my name, usually for no reason in particular. "Miss Linda!!!!' It is always said with an intense sense of urgency and then followed by something like. "Wouldn't it suck to be a banker?" I struggle to be as patient as I can with her and say things like, "I'm not sure Alice, I have never been a banker....

So by way of a bit of confession I need to start this one by reminding you that I am really quite far from achieve righteousness and holiness. This being said I will continue to pursue it. Anyway, now that that is off my chest hopefully you will judge me less harshly when I divulge to you that I really have, for quite sometime, harbored genuine disdain for the worship song, "Friend of God." I always feel tricked by it.  It starts out so great. "Who am I that you are mindful of me, that you hear me, when I call. Is it true that you are thinking of me? It's amazing." Then you hit this repetitive chorus that simply says, "I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, He calls me friend." Now, I don't know if it's the repetitiveness, or the tune, or what exactly it is that bugs me about this but suffice it to say, I find it irritating.  I'm telling you that to say, because of whatever reason I ha...

I'm not really sure how this post is about to go. I know where it is supposed to go, but I don't know if I know how to get there. Its one of those "Are you sure this is what we are doing today Jesus?" kind of posts. But here it is. Once again, much to your surprise I am sure, I need to write about my single status. I guess the best place to start is by saying that I went to a wedding yesterday, maybe you already knew that, anyway... I have this "thing" about weddings. Its something that I really almost cannot control. It's like something rises up in me out of a place that I don't know is there any other time. A yearning, an ache, it's deep and sometimes it is ugly. My deepest desire at a wedding is to celebrate for the people I love on one of the happiest days of their life and for the most part I can, but there is that tiny place that simply will not be ignored. It rears its head in those moments when you see the complete joy on the face...

Last night I basically collapsed. Tonight I am too. This morning I started writing what I had meant to say last night and I will finish it, but not now.  Now I am sleepy. My feet and muscles can still feel the exercise they got on the dance floor. Tonight we celebrated love.  I am tired.  Weddings always take my heart to a mixed place. It is a place of joy mixed with longing and a touch of sorrow. I wish is were all joy, but it's not, there is more too it.  But now, I am tired. I can't explain it all.  So good night world, I'll have more to say tomorrow. 

Today, I need to make an important confession… I am NOT cool. I probably never will be. You might be thinking, “that’s not really much of a confession Linda, we knew that.” But that is only half of it, the other half is this. There is a part of me that really wants to be. There is a part of me that has always felt awkward, backward, less than, unworthy, not enough, whatever else, because I just wanted to fit into the mold of normal or maybe even cool. I’ve spent the majority of my life being overweight. I went to a private school where everyone was very cool. They all wore nice name brand clothes and were fashionable. Their parents drove nice vehicles and they went on lavish vacations. We went to Bible camp and shopped at the thrift store. For many years, I didn’t know the difference but somewhere along the way I began to realize that, while I wasn’t an outcast, I wasn’t the same. From that point on, very subconsciously I spent my life surrendered deeply to one...