33...and beyond

I have a king sized bed. People who are well aquatinted with him call him Rufus. It's large, soft, fully loaded with Egyptian Cotten sheets, a down comforter and LOTS of pillows. And it's all mine. Tonight, not so much. Tonight there are three bodies PILED in about half the space of the bed. One with their feet in my face. Tonight there are popcorn crumbs and stuff animals, water bottles and blankies. Tonight it's a sleep over night with aunt Linda. I can't pretend I do t live for these little moments. Moments when my little Gracie gives me an unprovoked kiss and says, "I love you and I miss you aunt Linda." Moments where my little Daniel asks me, "do you have to go to work tomorrow?" And is overjoyed when I tell him no. Today, as I walked through the door from work, I could here them giggling and shouting, "Linda's home!!" And my heart filled to the brim with adoration for these sweet little who are now totally hogging my b...

I serve a God who hears and answers prayers. No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. I know that He cares for the crying out of our heart. He remembers our tossing and turning. He hears the whispers of our heart. He knows our deepest yearnings. He knows the things we try to hide away. There is not a breath that we take that He doesn't give us. There is no place that we can go to where his presence is not there. He is all knowing, all powerful and all sufficient. He is the end and the beginning. He is mercy and grace when we don't even know we need it. He restores my soul. My God is a mighty God. He is strong to heal and strong to save. He is immortal and immovable. He does not sway with the tide of the culture but always is as He always is. He is unchanging and unchangable. His wisdom knows no end. His love knows no bounds. His grace cannot be measured. He doesn't simply love us, He lavishes us with love. His glory is unending. He is MY ...

Slang is a weird thing. Words slip into our vanacular through culture and we often don't know why or where they came from. Right now, a statement you will frequently hear flying around, are the words, "I. Can't. Even." I say them all the time. On this journey, I have set some small incremental goals for myself to break up the drudgery of it all and have things to celebrate along the way. I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I was very close to hitting this goal. I think when I wrote that I was within like three lbs. Since then, progress has been very slow. Yesterday, finally I was literally 2oz from the number. In fact, when I stepped on the scale the number flashed as it calibrated but it settled just a couple oz up. I felt hopeful. I was determined that TODAY I would see the number. But this morning, the number was slightly higher. It was nothing earth shattering or out of the ordinary in the normal ebb and flow of weight loss. But it stung. I wanted so b...

Well this is being written after the fact. Like way too after the fact and in a massive hurry. I came home last night from work and basically couldn't move. Sometimes the tired hits so hard. Yesterday it did. I seriously almost fell asleep in a client meeting. Frankly last night I wasn't much of a human. I slept strangely. And when I did I slept like a dead person. I basically spent the evening in a zombie state. Sometimes I think my body just says, "ok, we're done here." That was last night. I don't have any deep thoughts about it really. Just more that it happened. I hope today I am stronger, better and more able.

So many thoughts. My heart is full. I spent the evening in a beautiful time of sharing and being open and raw with some incredible friends. I am grateful that the Lord is filling my life with people to walk this journey with, and slowing me down so I can enjoy it. I am grateful that He isn't content to leave me where I am at but continues to urge me into new places of dependency and surrender. Tonight I had to laugh that sometimes my Lord is anything but subtle, but He is faithful and good. I will share more but now it is late. I spent my night not writing about life but living it and I feel refreshed and encouraged. God is good. He loves me so. I pray you know that too.

I was just working on my reading for my book club/Bible study tomorrow night. I decided to start at the beginning and reread what we have read so far. I am glad I did. I was thinking about something this after noon and just now as I was reading the words brought it to life. Nearly six months ago now, I started on a journey to surrender my life mind, body and spirit to Jesus. As I have mentioned. It has been a BUMPY ride so far. I'll be honest, I think that I probably believed when I started that at this point in the road, I would look physically different. I don't really. My hair is slightly longer and yes I HAVE shed a few pounds but nothing of grand significance. Perhaps the reason I believed this was because I believed the biggest problem I had was being overweight. If my body changed, my mind and my spirit would. I was starting from the outside and working in. I know I said words about longing to be changed from the inside out, and I am sure I meant them, but to m...

I have disturbing news... I almost hate to say it "outloud"... (Come on Linda, you can do this) *deep breath......* THIS WEEK I PULLED OUT TWO GRAY HAIRS!!!! *sigh* There. I said it. Apparently, I'm getting older. It's happening and I can't seem to avoid it. Today, I went to a bridal shower for a young friend of mine. I found myself at a table of very lovely people slightly younger and hipper than myself. Man I felt old. They were all charging through their twenties ready to take on the world. They talked about things that I had no clue about. There I sat, firmly settled in my mid thirties mostly smiling and listening. I felt old. But you know what? As I sat there listening to them, I admired them and appreciated them, but I did not want to be them. I like the girl that I was in my twenties but I would not want to go back and be her again. Without any pride or lack of humility, I believe I can honestly say that I am improving with age ...

Tonight, I went to see Beauty and the Beast for a third time. As I was driving with my cousin to the movie we were discussing just how the Lord has grown and changed us. In some strange way, I think the very fact that this was my third go round at this movie was a sign of one of the things the Lord has changed in me over the last nearly 6 months. I have learned to rest, reset, and just simply take the time to enjoy my life and the people in it. Even as I am writing, I have to laugh. After spending the evening together at a movie that started wayyyyyy to late, I am now cozy and cuddled up under a blanket on my cousin Laura's couch. I'm chuckling because she is wandering the house, looking behind pictures, under coasters, in bowls and anywhere else she can think. She is searching for posted notes. Notes that her friends and I hid all around her house while she vacationed. These are her friends, but they have become my friends, woman I respect and love. Woman I am grateful...

This morning I was reading my devotions and I hit the story of Lazarus. Does God's word ever amaze you with the way it is able to show you something brand new in a story you have already read. Recently, I have been posting a prayer focus everyday on Facebook. I have gone through several different portions of scripture. As I was finished the love passage in Corinthians, I got the the portion that says "love always perseveres." I looked up the word persevere and found that it means,  to continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty, with little to no prospect of success. At the moment I was writing that I was also in a season of prayer about something rather particular in my life. Something about reading that definition was like an intense gut punch to me. It sent me straight to the floor in tears. The thing I was praying about was, and continues to be something that seems difficult and that has little to no prospect of success. There are many things...

It's been a weird day. An odd week really. I am tired, I should be asleep, but I need to write these words. Just a few moments ago, some words settled deeply in my heart... "Wild Surrender" I have been thinking and learning a lot about being a sheep over the last couple of weeks. Sheep are not brilliant animals. In fact, sheep are one of the only animals that do not survive well without assistance. Yet the Lord makes clear multiple times in His word, that He looks upon us as sheep. He says that He is our shepherd. The more I learn about the dynamic of a sheep and a shepherd, the more I am amazed. I will not spend a lot of time breaking down all the dynamics but I would encourage you to learn about them. It is truly amazing how many incredible metaphors there are when it comes to painting a picture of the way the Lord cares for us, His sheep. This set me down the course of listening to a sermon on the 23rd psalm that reminded me that sheep don't strive. Th...

Today I, because of something silly, I had to contemplate what I like the most about my job. I realize that besides the obvious (I love serving Jesus and his people) the thing I like the most is that it is so predictably unpredictable. This suits me well. I have written many times to lament things that make my heart ache as a single woman in her mid-thirties but I rarely celebrate that fact. Now, you might be thinking…ummmm Linda, you just drastically changed the subject but not really. You see the thing I like about my singleness is it gives me complete leave to be predictably unpredictable as well. On my job I never know what a day will bring. Something’s are very predictable. Certain clients will yell at me every day, certain children will grasp my legs each time I walk by. One of the maintenance men will call me “Songbird” and ask me to sing for him every time I stroll pasted. A pair of sisters who are a fixture here will answer, “I’m still here,” when I ask them how they ...

Tonight I my heart is full. I can't explain it all just yet, but it's full. The day was a roller coaster of emotions but God reminded me that He is constantly faithful. He reminded me of a word He placed in my life long long ago. Don't turn to the right or to the left. Just fix your eyes on Jesus and keep moving forward. At some points today my heart ached over the painful stories I heard from my clients. At other points I laughed until I couldn't laugh anymore. At other points I cried real tears over the word of the Lord being spoken into my life. The Lord is my shepherd...I have everything I need. God is good. I life is strange. I am blessed.

Sometimes my emotions sneak up on me out of nowhere. It happened to me earlier this week in Hobby Lobby. I stopped there with a specific thought in mind and found myself wandering every aisle...as one does. As I rounded the corner into one particular aisle I was overwhelmed by pink. This aisle was filled with items meant for a little girls room. There were verses for the wall about being brave and Godly and suddenly I found my heart overwhelmed with a familiar ache. There was a yearning to have some spunky little girl I could decorate a room for. I longed to fill the walls with prayers and words to tell her how loved and wanted she is. I felt a deep urge to build a safe space for her to grow that would inspire her to be fierce. I sped out of the aisle as quickly as I entered it, before tears could over take me. (Nobody wants to be the weirdo crying in the Hobby Lobby.) These moments catch me off guard. I often find myself wondering if I will ever have the chance to be a mom. To...

I need to start making the effort to write these earlier. Last night I never even made the conscious decision to go to sleep, sleep just simply overtook me. That's ok though, I was very relaxed and I simply went to sleep. This weekend I have taken the opportunity to come away. I had a chance to separate myself from things for a bit and I went for it. I think there is deep value in that. I think there is a deep need for that in my life. I'm not overly weary, but I'm not overly filled up at this point either. I think taking time to get quiet and just be is good for me. More than that I think it's important. Even if it's just for a few moments. Not every moment of this weekend with be solitude, I have plans to do some fun things with fun people, but there is some room left for solitude. I'm not expecting any kind of deep breakthrough in my life, more just peace and quiet and rest. Turning of the noise and capturing a few gentle moments with my savio...

Today, was one of those days where the scale wasn't particularly kind to me. I didn't gain. Its just, I have been perched so close to a goal that I can't seem to get there for a couple weeks now. It feels like it a taunting me. It almost felt slightly by the end of this day, like life was taunting me. It been one of those days that the enemy has whispered at every turn, "you know you'll never get there right? I mean, he basically forgot about you." It wasn't just about the weight loss. It's the hope that that weight loss represents. The hope of becoming a different person. The hope of being better equipped for my life. The hope of finally moving forward in other areas where I want to see God show up. The hope for all the things I ache for but have yet to have. Of course, the enemy is very faithful on these days to remind me I am forgotten in every way. It is on these days that people glibly make remarks to me like, "don't eve...

When I set out on this adventure, I had no idea how many words it would entail. The goal relating to words was simply, wrote something everyday. It's been bumpy and transitioned to this blog for me to write something everyday. Today I wrote some other things as well. I'm out of words. I'm poured out and have nothing much else to say at this moment. But I think that's ok too. Sometimes it's ok to say what you need to say then just be quiet.

Today was much. It was one of those days where I came home and fell into my bed. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to be alone. I work in a job where I am required to be present with people all day long. I listen to their problems and help them deal with them but some days, I am spent. Today was one of those days. Isn't it refreshing to know that our support, our great care giver, the one who is constantly listening to our problems and helping us deal with them is never spent. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The LORD w...

Once again it is late and I don't have much to say. Sometimes on these days I find myself being down on myself for not having anything deep to say. Tonight I realized that it's not a bad thing. The reason I have less to say is because I haven't been sitting around pondering life, I've been out living it. And that, is good. Slowly but surely I am learning to take life by the horns and live it with a new level of fullness. Sometimes that means sitting in the quiet of my own that's and deeply soaking in what Jesus has to say. Sometimes it i is fellowshipping with the people He has placed in my life. Both are good. Both have value. Both grow me. Little by little my perspective and my world are changing and I think that's just fine. :)

Ok. I'm back to reality and I have thoughts and things to say. Did you know I hate math. It's true, I detest it. I'm not good at it. When teachers used to say, "you won't have a calculator with you everywhere you go," it used to terrify me. Thank the Lord for iPhones proving those teachers wrong or I would never know how to leave a tip. With that being said, today, I like math. I like it very much. I'll get to why. I need to lay a little foundation first. I don't know if you know this (wink wink) but five months and one day ago I set out on a path of obedience to consecrate myself mind, body and soul. It's been bumpy and terribly imperfect because let's be real, I am bumpy and terribly imperfect. I set out very task and rule oriented convinced that if I could perfectly obey the hints the Lord had laid on my heart I would see changes in my life. And I did and I did. I became a finisher in ways that I had never imagined. I c...

Once again I am going to keep these words short. It's rare that I am in the actual presence of most of my dearest friends. Most of them live at a distance and exist, "in the box" aka my phone. We talk all the time but rarely face to face. Tonight for a few more minutes before we go crashing to sleep because we aren't as young as we once were, I plan to laugh with my bestie. I plan to bear my soul like a school girl with my "Diana" and cherish that last few moments that we have of this weekend. Life is short and I want to love well in the times that I have to do so. So goodnight, I'm going to eat some Key Lime pie with my bestie and do something mindless like watch the British Bake Off.

This weekend is our Joni and friends leadership retreat. I love these moments of getting to see people I love so dearly. Theses people are my like my family. It is precious to spend time with them. I'm keeping this short because I'm going to savory this time. Good night :)

I won't tell you where I am writing this from, all you need to know is that it's silly. It's the absolute definition of multi tasking. I am writing late because I got distracted with silly things last night and proceeded to fall asleep. I slept in my clothes and never turned off the light. I had a lot of things I hoped to get done this week. Some of them happened and some of them didn't. I'll be honest, a lot off them didn't. I have been so tired and so dragged in every direction it has been hard to keep my heart from becoming overwhelmed. I am not getting over my flu and I know it is because I am NOT resting. And so, I have had to simply let some things go in order to keep my heart from becoming overwhelmed. I have never thought of myself as a perfectionist but, it turns out I am. Perhaps it's not perfectionism but really more just a fear of failure. A fear of letting people down. But guess what. I am human and I fail. It doesn't mean ...

This morning when I got up, life was simple. I showered then came to my room and reached in my closet and grabbed a predetermined outfit that was already hanging together. As I had lallygagged a bit this morning it was one less thing to have to think about and then locate items that I wanted to wear. It was also great when I went to pack my lunch that there were items already prepared and all I needed to do was a little bit of assembling. As I exited my house in a fury to make it to my first appointment for the morning I was rather pleased with myself for all the prepping I had done ahead of time and how it made my morning so much smoother. I pondered the idea of preparation as I passed throughout my day. It occurred to me how many times I have looked back in my life and smiled over the way something I had already experienced had perfectly prepared me for something I could never have anticipated. In one of my staff meetings today we began talking about the struggles that we w...

Well once again last. Got was one of those nights where my body took over and said. "Ok that's enough now." As I was trying to write my blog. In fact I got no words written. I woke up at 2:24 and tied to try again the weary and tired were so real. So instead I crawled under my covers that I had fallen asleep on top of and went to sleep. The environment that I work in is not really conducive to good health. Once again I have the flu. With the symptoms of this flu, if I didn't know like all of the rest of the staff was sick. I would be sure that I was having a mono relapse. I went to a movie last night and found myself STRUGGLING to stay awake at like 7 pm. What I am saying though is, is ok to listen to your body. Sometimes you just need to collapse and crawl under the covers. This is not something I do well or easily. I tend to heap my plate full until I cannot fill it anymore and try to push and push. But every so often, I cannot push anymore and rest take...

This weekend, my little peanut Daniel broke his thumb. Now he gets to spend the next several weeks in a cast. Saturday morning I had gone to spend the day with him. He and his sister were playing contentedly in the play room and he come to me with a forlorn look on his little face. "It's not fair." He declared in his 5 year old sensibility. "What's not fair?" I asked. "I can't play like I want to because my arm broken." My heart hurt for him. He just wanted to be...normal again. I pulled in up in my lap and cradled him like I did when he was a much smaller boy. Then I told him this: "No pal, it's not fair and I know it stinks that you will have to wear a cast for a while. But you know what? I bet none of the other kids in your class have a cast like yours do they?" He shook his head. "So that's actually pretty cool. You're the ONLY kid with a cast like yours. And you can still play it will just be ...

This morning as I walked over to church, I felt the wind and knew it would be a great day to fly a kite. So for Sunday school we hiked out a kite and began to fly it. For my lesson with the kids we had an object lesson about the kite. It was one that resonated with me as I tend to be a person who has constant mountains of stress in my life. We are the kite. The kite, in order to fly needs to be in the hands of someone who knows what they are doing...that would be the Lord. The wind is like the Holy Spirit, it carries us and guides our path. The thing that stood out to me however is what happens with the string. You see, is a kite is going to go anywhere at all I has to have a certain amount of tension on the string. Tension is defined as the state of being stretched tight. A good kite flier knows just the right amount of tensions to put on the string. Too little and the kite will spiral out of control and crash. Too much and the string will break. We are in the hands ...

I have typed and retyped a first line over and again but cant seem to figure out what I want to say.  Today I reached a place of pretty intense exhaustion after trying to hold things together all week long. Yet, somehow, though my body is weary, my mind is active. I am not pondering anything of great consequence just pondering. Pondering things that need to be done. Pondering things I want to do but keep not doing. Pondering people and things I care about. Pondering hopes and dreams. Pondering expectations. Pondering my journey, my goals, my progress. Pondering my Savior. just...pondering. Yet with all these thoughts spiraling around in my head, I can't seem to narrow them down to one clear thought to share. So I will not try. I don't think we always NEED clarity. I think sometimes the Lord is setting up to do His best work when we are in the midst of the fog.

Tonight, my plans changed many times. How it has ended up is with me, curled up on a single bed that I am sharing with a grumpy 5 year old who insists he needs to sleep with his aunt Linda. Many things didn't go according to plan today. I spent about a quarter of my evening on the floor in front of the toilet on which the MOST STUBBORN little girl in the world was sitting. While she sobbed, I sang and soothed. My niece Gracie in her stubbornness that knows no bounds, refuses to potty train. She also has a massive rash and really needed to not be in a diaper and so, to the potty we went time and again. Now the reason I am hanging slightly off of a singe bed is because my five year old companion had a rough day. He took a fall at school and broke his thumb. He insisted I sleep with him so, sleep with him I shall. Not the evening in my cozy king sized bed that I had planned. Yet, precious to me. Yes, I sat on the bathroom floor while a two year old sobbed, but I also dance...

Tonight, a client made me cry. This frustrates me because I am pretty tough. I have thick skin. I am strong and know who I am in Christ. I don't need to take things personally. But tonight I did. I was at the end of myself. I haven't been feeling amazing. I worked very hard the lasts few days getting my grandmother moved and also keeping up with my work. I'm tired. The client told me things about how selfish I am. She yelled in my face about how bad I am at my job. She told me that I never once helped her. She told me I am bad at my job and just come to work to make people miserable. She told me I couldn't possibly be a Christian because I am so awful. I DO have thick skin. I don't waver when I am being cussed out. I can take a lot of nonsense but tonight, it hurt. It's moments like that that people are the hardest to love. There is a very real part of me that wants to walk away and wash my hand if them. I stood there dumbfounded tonight as s...

Last night I didn't get the words all out, I started, but I couldn't make them make sense. I fully intended to clean up my thoughts this morning and still post something for yesterday but then life happened. I am feeling like I have a touch of the flu, it's going around at work. I came home and crashed last night only wake up and try to function in an exhausted stupor for a while then crash again. I slept hard. So hard I never heard my alarm when it rang off. So all my best laid plans of morning work outs and fixing my blog post flew out the window. The thing I was trying to write about was my Lenten resolution to work on simplifying my life. This is hilarious to me because today was anything but simple. I trudged through the day carrying millions of binders and trying to do three jobs at one time. I came home exhausted and wanted to spend the evening under a mountain of covers in my bed. Instead I spent the evening under a mountain of boxes attempting to help m...