the girl I am

Well, the need to sleep overtook me beyond the need to write. I crashed in a pretty real way and now it's well into the night and I have pulled myself awake to write something.

Tonight I was talking to a few different friends. We have all been on a journey toward weight loss of some sort. We've seen mixed results.

This week, after finally starting to see some motion on the scale, nothing happened for me. Now, of the friends I had been conversing them, one had lost weight this week and the other gained a pound.

It was interesting as I talked to them. The one who had lost weight showed concern that I was down after seeing no movement on the scale. The one who had gained told me that her hope was wavering.

I cannot pretend like my hope doesn't waver at times.

This has been a long, broken journey for me, one that I don't always see results on. Sometimes I work super hard and follow all the rules and I gain weight.

As I consider both of those conversation tonight, I can't help but ask myself, Where is my hope?

I have desired to lose weight most of my life. I have tried a lot of things, even unhealthy things at times. I have never quite been satisfied with my body. Tonight as I thought about this I couldn't help but recognize the distance that exists between where I am and where I want to be.

As I considered my hope in regard to these things a strange thought crossed my mind, if I ever reach my goal, what then?

Will I suddenly be satisfied that I have reached this standard that I have tried to attain my whole life?

Will I suddenly have all the things I feel are missing from my life?

Who will that girl be that is so different from the girl I am today?

Is it even possible for me to ever get there?

I don't honestly know the answer to these questions.

I want to believe that I can get there but I don't know for sure. I want to reach that place because I hope that that girl is strong, confident, comfortable in her skin. I want to be in the place where I stop thinking that, if I just can weigh this amount then I will have satisfaction.

I want to have hope and satisfaction today and everyday along this journey no matter what happens.

Maybe this is my thorn in the flesh. Maybe until the day I die I will always struggle, I hope not, but it's possible. If that's the case, I want desperately to be obedient to the Lord and satisfied along the way.

I want to stop looking ahead to the girl I'll be when I finally accomplish this goal. I want to focus on making the girl I am someone who strong and content.

Yes, there are things I would like to improve at and ways I will continue to work to change physically. This is not me waving a white flag of surrender. This is simply me saying, this girl, the one I am today doesn't need to become "that girl" in order to measure up.

This girl is a daughter of the king of kings. No matter what shape my body is I am unique and wonderfully made. I am strong in body and in faith.

I want to have hope that I can be "that girl" but in doing so, I don't want to totally count out the girl I am today.


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