into the light

I have been actively avoiding writing this. I've been avoiding a lot of things.

This morning, I avoided the scale again.

I am less than a month away from turning 34. I know that this "journey" has been to start me on the pathway of something far greater.

Nothing has been what I expected or set out thinking I would accomplish.

The warfare has been strong and real.

The word failure plays in the back of my mind on repeat.

In my heart, I KNOW that this has been anything but a failure. I know that it is a classic example of how our ways are not His ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts.

But rolling on to the next phase seems scary and unknown. I envisioned myself rolling across the finish line victorious and strong, but at this point I feel like the victory is alluding me. Although, when I take an honest assessment of things there is victory there. There is victory in all the realizations that have happened over the last 12 months.

Realizations that a lot of the warfare I have been experiencing is so meaningful to the Lords guidance in my life.

Very early in the journey I was talking to the Lord asking for a break in all the warfare and I felt Him gently say, "this is nothing compared to the warfare that's to come."

This has been a path laden with warfare. Sometimes I have stood strong but many times I have crumbled, withdrawn and even isolated myself. I have NOT checked the boxes. I have NOT met the goals. I have NOT thrived, at many moments I have fought just to barely survive.

This summer, I have STRUGGLED to motivate myself to write. I have intentionally avoided it. My flesh has made war against the very act of sitting down to write. But also KNOW that the fight has become so fierce because the Lord has made it very clear to me that writing is to be a part of my journey, long term.

I have struggled with my eating and exercise. Really struggled...like to the point that sometimes I didn't even attempt to struggle. Instead I just gave in and ate the donuts or pizza, fast food or whatever. But, it has led me to a place where I have to get completely real with myself. I cannot fight this portion of the battle with my own ways or tactics. I cannot run enough miles or check enough lists, it wont make the changes I need. I cannot eat like everyone else and be like everyone else because I am NOT like everyone else.  I am an addict. I have to treat this problem like an addiction. I have to have a zero tolerance policy. There are things that I know are triggers to me, I have to remove them.

I am walking into the next leg of this journey having learned the value of discipline lies far beyond just checking boxes. All the discipline in the world is meaningless if I am not being completely honest with myself. the honesty will create real, lasting, life changing discipline.

So I am going to be totally frank for a second. These are some things that I know about myself.

1. When my space is messy and chaotic, its because my heart is messy and chaotic. I have stopped fighting or trying and I am just sitting in the mess. Yes, there is a time to sit in the mess. Yes, Jesus meets us there. No, He will not judge us for being in the mess...BUT He also doesn't leave us there.
2. I have an addictive personality. Through the mercy of Jesus, I have avoided things like drugs, alcohol, smoking and gambling but it is only by God's grace. 
3. I have to treat food as a real addiction. It may not make sense to the world, but it is the only way I will find freedom. It is the only way I have ever found freedom and the only way I have ever known success. I have to recognize that I use it to fill a void that only the Lord can fill.
4. I am an escape artist. I use things to "turn off my brain" and I need to be very wary of this tendency. Things like TV, Netflix, social media even sleep can be complete mind traps to me, I use them to avoid reality and allow them to keep me from the Word and from running to the Lord. Instead of praying when my heart is heavy, I distract my heart and mind with trivial nothingness. 

Those are real. That is me. Those are things the enemy uses to knock me off my square. I am confessing them and calling them out. If nothing else, I want this journey to teach me to never stop making war of those things until I have victory or draw my last breath, whichever comes first. 

These aren't new things.

I have known many of them for years, but I have not wanted to acknowledge them or bring them out in the open. They are shameful and embarrassing and I hate them, but there they are. I am taking them out of the darkness and bringing them into the the light.

There are more I am certain, but I am starting here. 

Mind, body and spirit, the journey of a lifetime.