stop

I'm a mess.

It's been coming on all summer.

It's not something that I could make better through sheer grit, determination or will power.

I keep trying to fix it and I keep finding myself drowning.

Leasing up to Joni and friends, the load had been heavy. Since then...it is like I am waiting for a breath or a calm in the storm, but there is not even a glimmer of it on the horizon. It is not that ridiculously tragedy has befallen me. In my world that is relative. But the big things, my family, my close friends, the things I hold the dearest are all safe and sound.

At Joni and friends a very strong woman in the Lord shared a vision the Lord had given her for me. It was me, riding on the back of a fire engine. I wasn't the one putting out the fires, I was simply along for the ride.

Yesterday some friends who sensed that I was at the end of myself asked me how I was. I told one of them, I feel like I am standing in front of a burning house, there is no fire engine even in sight and I am trying to toss water on the fire with half filled buckets people keep shoving in my face as they walk away.

I feel empty.

I haven't been running, I feel like I have no energy left.

I eat whatever someone else places in front of me instead of being careful and clean.

My prayers feel they cannot find balance, they are either a weeping mess or lip service.

The word feels like drudgery, common place and phoned in in my "quiet times" instead of living and active.

I keep trying to go back.

If I just work hard enough, have enough determination whatever, then maybe...just maybe I can get back to where I was. Instead however of returning to the path. I am simply wandering deeper and deeper off course.trying to find my own way back, to depend on myself has left me broken, weary and red eyed in the middle of nowhere.

I have to stop.

stop trying.
stop moving.
stop searching.
stop people pleasing
stop talking.
stop working so hard to try to figure everything out on my own and in my own strength.

I. need. to. stop.

STOP.

I need to stand still and let Jesus whisper.

I need to soak up all He says about be because the lies are loud and they are many.

I need to let Him lead me back to the path down a road that I don't even know is there.

I need to stop taking the half empty buckets and just walk away from the fire knowing that the Lord will put it out.

I know that stillness is something the Lord has been trying to speak to me all through this journey. It is something that I have reveled in in moments of obedience but also feared, hated and pushed against in my own soul and will.

I crave it and yet it terrifies me. It is scary to stand still and let the Lord dig deeply into the ugly parts of your soul. Its gross in there.

I hate it.

A verse that Jesus constantly has brought before my eyes during this journey is this:

 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

In the last few weeks...pushing even a month or two I have found myself standing lost in the woods, next to that burning house, holding empty buckets filled with lies.

Most of those lies center around my worthiness, it is nothing new. But the poison in them have been strong. The enemy knows how to use just enough truth to lead to the dark empty place he wants you to be in.

I cant do this any more.

I cannot tolerate him for even one more moment.

It is like I am on a merry go round that is spinning faster and faster.

I have to stop and if the merry go round wont stop then I have to jump off.

I've had enough.

I want my Father. I want to crawl into the safety of His lap and rest my head on His shoulder. I want to weep until I have no tears left. I want to rest there.

And when I rise. I want to to rise up with strength not of my own, but that which was found in my Father. Like a little girl talking her first steps who simply CANNOT fall because he Father is holding her up.

I'm not even there yet. I'm not even ready to walk yet.

For now, I will simply stand still.

Stop rushing, racing, trying, STRIVING, giving, emptying...

Just stop.