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I am under no obligation to write today. Yet, there is something freeing about that that makes me want to write. It makes me want to give voice to the heart that I carried around with me all day.

Today...

Ooooof today was a Jonah Day.

I found myself in a tailspin that I could not seem to pull out of.

As I wandered through Meijer tonight because I didn't know what else to do with myself, I noticed my shoes for the second time today...

Let me back up. This morning, I woke up late. I didn't manage to have time to shower, instead, I made it a priority to make breakfast. As I mentioned yesterday, this a year of fasting. What that currently means it that just "grabbing" something out and about is easier said than done. I have to give a lot of thought to the way I eat and the things I am going to put into my body. So making time to at least eat a healthy breakfast even if I don't have time to pack a healthy lunch is important.

As I was getting ready, my breakfast sat on a sad paper plate being ignored and getting cold so, I grabbed it up as I ran out the door planning to try to shovel it into my face at any stop lights I might encounter on the way to work.

This didn't happen.

Instead...my lovely eggs, veggies and pear met and untimely end on the garage floor.

Something in me broke.

For the rest of the day I felt like everything I touched just fell apart in my hands.

They reason i had to chuckle when I noticed my shoes was because the tumble of my breakfast had pretty much ruined them. Coconut oil and a cheap pair of Meijer flats don't seem to mix well.

It was a bit of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Nothing drastic just alllllll the little things.

Honestly, as I sit here to write, I sort of don't know how to feel.

This day felt broken but in some bizarre way it seemed to fit the state of my heart. Something is broken in me right now. Hear me clearly, I am not without hope. I know whom I have believed and am convinced that He is able. It's not that. I know He has a plan. I trust it, I honestly do.

But in my heart there is an ache. There is a hurt that I cannot explain. I have laid it down time and again over the past several weeks but the pain is deep and real.

I know where it began, but what I don't know is how to get rid of it. I know it is only in the Lord but I am crying out and for the time, He seems quiet.

It has been a bizarre beginning to a new year of life. Every last ounce of me wants to run away. I want to run far and sit still and not speak for days. Yet on the flip side there is a part of me that aches so much for fellowship. I long to be with people who know my heart down to its very ugliest bit and still love me. I yearn for people to reach out even when I pull away.

I'm a mess.

Last year I walked down a broken messy road and this one seems to be the same. I don't know where its going. I cant even pretend I do.

I don't know who will walk the road with me, or if I will be called to walk alone.

But I will walk it out, where ever it leads.

I cannot turn back now.