fat b#@$!*

If admitting something is the first step to recovery, then perhaps this week I took some steps in my battle with food addiction.

Its something that is hard for me to talk about, think about, pray about, be about. It feels so shameful to struggle with something as basic as eating, Literally everyone does it. Most people don't have a problem with it. 

I do.

It's a sin issue.

It's a heart issue.

Maybe somewhere along this journey I have already said these words, but I have been backsliding and need to say them again.

Shame overtakes me in this battle and I know that it shouldn't. It shouldn't be allowed to have this much control. But when I don't talk about it, then I don't deal with it. It makes me hate myself.

I have, at periods in my adult life actually asked the Lord why he didn't allow me to struggle with something less obvious. There are struggles you can hide, cover up or where people don't immediately know that thing about you when they look at you. For me, if I am struggling, it will soon make itself clear. I wear it all over my body. It's the first thing people know about me.

I am fat, because I struggle with food. There is nothing I can do to hide it.

I can remember the first time it happened, I was in Meijer, my favorite store. I was shopping with my mom. While she got groceries, I was browsing through the clothing department looking at clothes I wished I could wear. I was probably in middle school. There were a couple girls in the section as well. They were in their late teens. One of them must have been a teenage mother because there was a little girl no older than 3 wandering around near them.

I was oblivious to the fact that they were talking about me but apparently, they were.

Be careful what they say in front of kids. They tend to repeat things they aren’t supposed to.

This little girl came strolling up to me and said, “You a fat b#@$!*,” and walked away. The teens she was with gave a slight look of horror and then laughed as I blushed and moved out of the department mortified.

It was the first of many times I have been called a “fat b#@$!*” in my life.

I wouldn’t say, as a rule, that I am an overly anxious person. But I do have my own brand of anxieties that are constantly with me.

Some of them are things like:

o   I hope this chair will hold me.

o   I hope I’m not bothering the person next to me in this movie theater, because I take up so much space.

o   I hope this boat doesn’t noticeably go off balance when I get on.

o   I can’t go to an amusement park, I won’t fit on the rides.

o   I hope that no one notices how tightly I fit in this booth.

o   I hope this seatbelt will fit me.

o   Please don’t make me list my t-shirt size.

o   Please don’t make me wear a matching t-shirt, it won’t look the same on me.

o   Are people watching me eat or judging what I choice to put on my plate?

The list goes on and on.

One day, I was in a particularly low place and I cried out to God,

“Why this?! Why of all the things you could have allowed me to wrestle with did you allow me to struggle with this? If I had a drinking problem, I could hide it! (Yes, it was a particularly low point.) But WHYYYYY can I not seem to overcome this? And why does it have to be something that everyone can see?”

The Savior whispered into my spirit, “Because I gave you so many other gifts. If it weren’t for this, you might not know you need me.”

I realized then and there that the Lord really has somewhat spoiled me with gifts. I can sing, I am a poised public speaker, I tend to excel at most things, besides being skinny and most athletics. I have an incredibly creative mind and am a strong problem solver. I have a very relaxed, confident and easygoing personality and demeanor.

It’s easy to depend on my gifts and talents.

The one area of my life that I cannot seem to just grit my teeth and make happen is this area of overcoming my food addiction. Trust me, I have tried my entire adult life.

I cannot.

It is my thorn in the flesh.

I’ve tried every fad diet and read every article. I have had highs and lows. I’ve even checked 7 boxes every day for months hoping to gain victory.

If I am totally honest, I started this journey hoping to end it drastically thinner, having put that “fat b#@$!*” to death once and for all. Yes, I wanted to change my heart, my mind, my will and my relationship with Jesus. But at the end of the day, in my heart of hearts, I wanted all that to boil down to finally being thin.

Yet here I am, heavier than when I started. (This summer was rough on me.)

But somehow, my heart, my mind, my will and my relationship with Jesus HAVE all changed and are continuing to change. The only thing I don’t have is a skinny waste line.

Maybe I never will I don’t know.

What I know for sure is that I cannot quit fighting to overcome. It’s not about the size of my body or my clothes, it’s about allowing something to have this level of control on my life. You see, putting to death the “fat b#@$!*” has nothing to do with changing the shape of my body and everything to do with changing the shape of my mind.

Hi. My name is Linda and I struggle with a lifelong food addiction.

What’s your thorn?