piles
I am almost to the end of this first leg of my journey.
4 days.
Tomorrow, I had hoped to run a Marathon but that is not the way that things worked out. Isn't it funny how our expectation of success never fits into the Lords timing. I will run that Marathon, not tomorrow, but someday. In my heart I pictured myself so different at this point.
I had moments where I thought I had a glimpse of what this whole journey had all been about, only to see them dashed away before my eyes leaving me to seek understanding in the place that I found myself in. Physically I am a year older. I am firmly in my mid thirties. I feel no closer to any of the things that my heart deeply desires.
Things like a healthy body, marriage, deepening purpose in my career and life plan, being a mom... all those things seem just as far today as ever.
To be fair, I knew that some of them would. I knew the Lord had asked me to lay down relationships for the time being and that also meant the hope of being a mother. I have no indication that my turning 33 on Wednesday in any way means that I have been given permission to pick them back up. Rather, I find myself feeling like I am in a state of limbo or unfinish.
I had to chuckle to myself today. I have a firm plan to finish a project I have been working on for several weeks now. I've been rearranging, reorganizing and downsizing my living space.
In the process I have gotten rid of a LOT of things. I have tried MULTIPLE versions of how the furniture should be positioned and now, today as I finally got the furniture all positioned where I would like them to be, I found myself sitting on my desk looking around at piles.
There are piles that need to be sorted through, piles that need to be put away, more piles to be thrown away or donated...piles, piles, piles.
It's amazing how much junk we can accumulate.
As I stared at the piles, trying to figure out where to start it felt rather cathartic. I felt like I had done so much, but there was also still so much to do...
I smiled when I realized that my space is much like my heart. It's amazing how much junk we can accumulate in there too. Over the last 361 days it has had a MASSIVE overhaul. I tried a lot of different things to get it the way it should be, i have cleared sooooo much out but ultimately, there are still a lot of piles. There are things that need to be kept, things that need to be shared with others and things that need to be gotten rid of, and it is so hard to know where to start.
Honestly, I feel a little paralyzed. Every aspect of my life seems to be it's own pile and I don't know what to do with them.
It's so scary.
But as my heart was grieving some pretty deep aches this week, feeling so stuck that I couldn't move. The Lord came along side me with these words.
My Beloved Bride,
I know your heart longs to dream. Don't lose sight of your hope, My beloved; I placed a passion inside of you to do something great while you are reigning hear on earth. I want to be the one to life you up in MY appointed time. If you are willing to wait on my, I will take you to the place where dreams come true. Let me be the one who gives you your wings, My Bride. I alone can lift you higher than you could ever fly on your own. You will see the world from a whole new point of view when you sore with me...
I started this journey with a messy heart. Along the way, I accumulated some things, but I also purged so much else. Now I find myself stuck somewhere between, be still and MOVE and my Savior is the only one who can help me clear away the piles. He is the only one who can clear away the mess until only the beauty remains.
4 days.
Tomorrow, I had hoped to run a Marathon but that is not the way that things worked out. Isn't it funny how our expectation of success never fits into the Lords timing. I will run that Marathon, not tomorrow, but someday. In my heart I pictured myself so different at this point.
I had moments where I thought I had a glimpse of what this whole journey had all been about, only to see them dashed away before my eyes leaving me to seek understanding in the place that I found myself in. Physically I am a year older. I am firmly in my mid thirties. I feel no closer to any of the things that my heart deeply desires.
Things like a healthy body, marriage, deepening purpose in my career and life plan, being a mom... all those things seem just as far today as ever.
To be fair, I knew that some of them would. I knew the Lord had asked me to lay down relationships for the time being and that also meant the hope of being a mother. I have no indication that my turning 33 on Wednesday in any way means that I have been given permission to pick them back up. Rather, I find myself feeling like I am in a state of limbo or unfinish.
I had to chuckle to myself today. I have a firm plan to finish a project I have been working on for several weeks now. I've been rearranging, reorganizing and downsizing my living space.
In the process I have gotten rid of a LOT of things. I have tried MULTIPLE versions of how the furniture should be positioned and now, today as I finally got the furniture all positioned where I would like them to be, I found myself sitting on my desk looking around at piles.
There are piles that need to be sorted through, piles that need to be put away, more piles to be thrown away or donated...piles, piles, piles.
It's amazing how much junk we can accumulate.
As I stared at the piles, trying to figure out where to start it felt rather cathartic. I felt like I had done so much, but there was also still so much to do...
I smiled when I realized that my space is much like my heart. It's amazing how much junk we can accumulate in there too. Over the last 361 days it has had a MASSIVE overhaul. I tried a lot of different things to get it the way it should be, i have cleared sooooo much out but ultimately, there are still a lot of piles. There are things that need to be kept, things that need to be shared with others and things that need to be gotten rid of, and it is so hard to know where to start.
Honestly, I feel a little paralyzed. Every aspect of my life seems to be it's own pile and I don't know what to do with them.
It's so scary.
But as my heart was grieving some pretty deep aches this week, feeling so stuck that I couldn't move. The Lord came along side me with these words.
My Beloved Bride,
I know your heart longs to dream. Don't lose sight of your hope, My beloved; I placed a passion inside of you to do something great while you are reigning hear on earth. I want to be the one to life you up in MY appointed time. If you are willing to wait on my, I will take you to the place where dreams come true. Let me be the one who gives you your wings, My Bride. I alone can lift you higher than you could ever fly on your own. You will see the world from a whole new point of view when you sore with me...
I started this journey with a messy heart. Along the way, I accumulated some things, but I also purged so much else. Now I find myself stuck somewhere between, be still and MOVE and my Savior is the only one who can help me clear away the piles. He is the only one who can clear away the mess until only the beauty remains.
Oh, God help me....
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