33...and beyond

I'm a mess. It's been coming on all summer. It's not something that I could make better through sheer grit, determination or will power. I keep trying to fix it and I keep finding myself drowning. Leasing up to Joni and friends, the load had been heavy. Since then...it is like I am waiting for a breath or a calm in the storm, but there is not even a glimmer of it on the horizon. It is not that ridiculously tragedy has befallen me. In my world that is relative. But the big things, my family, my close friends, the things I hold the dearest are all safe and sound. At Joni and friends a very strong woman in the Lord shared a vision the Lord had given her for me. It was me, riding on the back of a fire engine. I wasn't the one putting out the fires, I was simply along for the ride. Yesterday some friends who sensed that I was at the end of myself asked me how I was. I told one of them, I feel like I am standing in front of a burning house, there is no fire engine...

Clearly I have struggling at life lately. Since Joni and Friends, I have not stopped. I returned home and went straight to work. I worked long days and went straight to Milwaukee with my cousin Laura for her bone marrow donation surgery. When I got home from that, at 11:30 pm on Sunday night, I got up and went straight to work by 8 am Monday morning. After working all week, that weekend, it became evident Laura wasn't healing properly and the next week every free moment was spent trying to help her through her pain, helping her to the bathroom at night while she sobbed and the even sleeping in a chair at the hospital while the doctors tried to help her and figure out what the issue was. Then music and drama camp happened and I spent the week with 35 kiddos who challenged me at every end. From camp, I went straight to work at the mission each day until midnight.  Suffice it to say, I am exhausted, and my goals and obedience have been nonexistent. My life has just piled ...

I'm here. I'm writing. I'm showing up today because I am DESPERATELY trying to regain this discipline.  Today wasn't perfect.  I didn't check all the boxes I wanted, but I know that I was where I needed to be.  Tonight where I need to be is on a couch, trying to listen for my phone or a familiar voice calling my name. It may happen periodically all night long. I may need to assist getting water, meds, getting up to the bathroom, all kinds of other useful things for someone who finds themselves a bit of an invalid.  My cousin, Laura, donated her bone marrow to a total and has had a difficult time since. Something is wrong in her hip and she is struggling to walk.  So that's where I need to be today.  Did I eat perfectly? Nope. Did I accomplish everything else I hoped to accomplish? Nope. But I am ok with that. This is greater. This is better. This is good. This is the kind of person I want to be.  I want to be th...

Well, I’ll be real…I have been sucking. I have been struggling so hard to get back on track with all my goals. It is ALWAYS something. I too busy. I’m too tired. Life is too much right now. I know its warfare. Particularly on the writing front. A while back, I wrote about how I “knew” what this was all about. I wrote about a clarity that I had gained about where I was heading and what the some of the “end game” of all of this is. I was reminded this weekend about that. I had the chance to speak in a church. When I teach about Christ, when I write, when I share my heart with others in this way…it feels like home. I know that this is the direction I am supposed to be moving and I know this journey is about the discipline I need to have to get there. Since that moment of clarity…It has been a fight. Its been a wild and intense struggle to accomplish what I am supposed to accomplish each day. So today, I am starting over. I am going back to my check...

It's been...way too long since I wrote. Life sorta took over and knocked me out of the habit. The only way I know to get get back on track is to not quit and keep trying. It would be easy for me to point out all my failure to myself, but I won't.  It won't make me better.  Life HAS been a lot lately. More than I can even explain.  There been warfare, heartache, tragedy, insane busyness. I've made it through Joni and friend and through a crazy week of work following it and now I am writing these words on a park bench in Milwaukee.  Milwaukee is an odd place to me. I can't seem to reconcile myself to the fact that it's a "big city." It has some tall buildings, some beautiful architecture, a pleasant river walk and I am sure a great many things I have NOT seen, because I am not here to see the sights.  In everything that has happened in he last month or so, I have loosened my grasp on a few things that matter. My goals and...

So I haven't written in several days, because Joni and Friends. It has my heart, my. Rain and all of my energy this week. Each night I simply collapse into my bed after long and full days. There have been challenges, but there always are in leadership. Still, my heart is full of the joy of the lord and what he is doing in this place. Hearts are being touched. Restoration given. Much needed rest is happening. It is good. I'm tired. But my heart is full.

I. Am. Exhausted. It's been a full day. There was a storage unit to unload, a horse ramp to assemble, hugs to give, tacos to eat, worship to lead, meetings to attend, tears to be shed...all in all, an extremely full day. I have to sort of laugh when I remember that I titled last nights blog "bubble." The Lord affirmed that in so many ways to me today. Tonight as I gross cried every ounce of make up off my face, while faithful and powerful followers of Jesus prayed for my weary heart and spoke truth over me, I was shown a bubble of protection surrounding this place. The last several weeks have been almost traumatic with the level of sadness and pain they have held for me. The burden has felt very heavy at times. But tonight I crawl into bed with a heart that still feels the pain of these weeks, but the darkness and the weight has lifted a bit. My heart is light. It is no longer consumed by all the pain I think I need to carry, Jesus showed me He wants to carry ...