33...and beyond

Over the course of this year, I have walked through a lot of loss. In the time that I have worked at the shelter, I have not had a year like this year. I have had multiple clients die or go through incredibly horrible situations. It has happened in all manner of ways, from suicide attempts and successes, accidental overdoses, tragic accidents, violent crimes, even glorious home goings after arduous battling with cancer. If I sat and thought about it I could come up with a total count of the loss. I could come up with names, faces and stories. This is on my brain because just this morning we held a small memorial for yet another lady who is no longer with us. It got me thinking. Every story is different. Every life was unique. But if I had to guess, I think that if they all could talk to us now they would all say the same thing. Live for the Lord. Nothing. Else. Matters. There is an old quote that my dad repeats sometimes, “Only one life will soon be pas...

This week has been ridiculously, unseasonably hot. I have spent way too much time complaining about and avoiding the heat. This morning as I was leading worship for church we sang the old stand by 10,000 Reasons. As we sang the first verse it struck me once again. The sun comes up it’s a new day dawning,  It’s time to sing your song again. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes. That word, whatever.  That’s a word that is said flippantly all the time but when you put it in the context that song is saying it in, it’s huge. Whatever. Not just a few things that may come into our days. WHATEVER may pass and WHATEVER lies before. After that I taught my Sunday school class a song. This song talks about following Jesus under any circumstance. There is a verse in it that really tugs at my heart. It says, When I find myself so far from home And You lead me somewhere I don't wanna go Even in my d...

Tonight my last appointment of the evening stopped me about 2 minutes into our conversation and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I'm very nervous this chair isn't going to hold me." She was very overweight. My heart welled for her as I gently found her a different chair and tried to make her feel less embarrassed. I asked her about herself and she shared a story cloaked in hopelessness. She has dealt with, and is dealing with heavy things. Near the end of it she said, "And now I have gained so much weight, I feel like I can't do anything." Here she was, a girl barely older than myself, heart aching over something my heart understands so well and yet, she would kill to be me. Yes, I am overweight and there are moments when it limits me, but I am strong. I can walk and even run. I can dance and play actively with my nieces and nephew. I have never experienced the level of difficulty she was describing. A long time ago, I think it'...

If admitting something is the first step to recovery, then perhaps this week I took some steps in my battle with food addiction. Its something that is hard for me to talk about, think about, pray about, be about. It feels so shameful to struggle with something as basic as eating, Literally everyone does it. Most people don't have a problem with it.  I do. It's a sin issue. It's a heart issue. Maybe somewhere along this journey I have already said these words, but I have been backsliding and need to say them again. Shame overtakes me in this battle and I know that it shouldn't. It shouldn't be allowed to have this much control. But when I don't talk about it, then I don't deal with it. It makes me hate myself. I have, at periods in my adult life actually asked the Lord why he didn't allow me to struggle with something less obvious. There are struggles you can hide, cover up or where people don't immediately know that thing...

I have been actively avoiding writing this. I've been avoiding a lot of things. This morning, I avoided the scale again. I am less than a month away from turning 34. I know that this "journey" has been to start me on the pathway of something far greater. Nothing has been what I expected or set out thinking I would accomplish. The warfare has been strong and real. The word failure plays in the back of my mind on repeat. In my heart, I KNOW that this has been anything but a failure. I know that it is a classic example of how our ways are not His ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts. But rolling on to the next phase seems scary and unknown. I envisioned myself rolling across the finish line victorious and strong, but at this point I feel like the victory is alluding me. Although, when I take an honest assessment of things there is victory there. There is victory in all the realizations that have happened over the last 12 months. Realizations that a lot ...