33...and beyond

It's been...way too long since I wrote. Life sorta took over and knocked me out of the habit. The only way I know to get get back on track is to not quit and keep trying. It would be easy for me to point out all my failure to myself, but I won't.  It won't make me better.  Life HAS been a lot lately. More than I can even explain.  There been warfare, heartache, tragedy, insane busyness. I've made it through Joni and friend and through a crazy week of work following it and now I am writing these words on a park bench in Milwaukee.  Milwaukee is an odd place to me. I can't seem to reconcile myself to the fact that it's a "big city." It has some tall buildings, some beautiful architecture, a pleasant river walk and I am sure a great many things I have NOT seen, because I am not here to see the sights.  In everything that has happened in he last month or so, I have loosened my grasp on a few things that matter. My goals and...

So I haven't written in several days, because Joni and Friends. It has my heart, my. Rain and all of my energy this week. Each night I simply collapse into my bed after long and full days. There have been challenges, but there always are in leadership. Still, my heart is full of the joy of the lord and what he is doing in this place. Hearts are being touched. Restoration given. Much needed rest is happening. It is good. I'm tired. But my heart is full.

I. Am. Exhausted. It's been a full day. There was a storage unit to unload, a horse ramp to assemble, hugs to give, tacos to eat, worship to lead, meetings to attend, tears to be shed...all in all, an extremely full day. I have to sort of laugh when I remember that I titled last nights blog "bubble." The Lord affirmed that in so many ways to me today. Tonight as I gross cried every ounce of make up off my face, while faithful and powerful followers of Jesus prayed for my weary heart and spoke truth over me, I was shown a bubble of protection surrounding this place. The last several weeks have been almost traumatic with the level of sadness and pain they have held for me. The burden has felt very heavy at times. But tonight I crawl into bed with a heart that still feels the pain of these weeks, but the darkness and the weight has lifted a bit. My heart is light. It is no longer consumed by all the pain I think I need to carry, Jesus showed me He wants to carry ...

So many things that make my heart ache have happened lately. The last two posts that I wrote were about the weary and messy heart that I seem to be carrying around with me. I believe it has been warfare and I believe it was leading up to today. It's time for Joni and Friends. It's something I adore and look forward to all year. I feel like god is up to something pretty amazing because of the intense level of warfare that is happening to not only myself but many of the other people in leadership positions. I am praying that God will do amazing things in this week, not only in the camp, but also in my heart and life. Someone said to me that I was entering my JAF bubble this week. In some ways I hope so. I want to flea all the chaos as see the works of the Lords hands in motion. I want to rest and be restored. I want to see a glimpse of the kingdom of God. But more than that, I want what the Lord wants. If it is brokerneas then let me break. If it is whole hearted follower...

I think I just keep saying this. My heart feels like it has been dragged through the mud and stomped on. It's tired and sad. Things that break my heart keep happening and I feel the need to run away and rest. Yet instead I am getting ready to go dive into a few full weeks of giving deeply of myself and sacrificing sleep. I know it will fill me. I know it will bless and realign me. But my heart is weary and I am just struggling to make it there at this point. This week I lost my pastor that I served with in KY. He was always quick to remind us that God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I know it is true. I don't doubt it for a minute. But I'm weary. Resting my heart in the arms of Jesus. He see me. He knows me. He loves me.

Im not sure what Jesus is up to. I'm rather short in words right now. Once again, I find myself in a season that seems to come with a lot of warfare. I can't and won't explain it all but my heart feels like it has been dragged through the mud. Even physically I have struggled with migraines the likes of which I haven't had in ages. Now this week walking through a loss from a distance has made my heart hurt so badly. I know that God is good. I know that joy is still mine, nothing can take it. I know the Lord continues to remind me of His faithfulness, but I confess that I am weary. I confess that my heart is overwhelmed. I confess that the piles seems high. But I am reminded of four wise thoughts tonight. 1. I don’t need everything I want. 2. I don’t want everything I need. 3. God doesn’t give me everything I want… and thank God for it. 4. God always gives me what I need. I know that even when the world isn't really making sense to me, Jes...

Last night I simply forgot to post. I was tired. It was a long day. It's been a long and busy weekend. I'm actually writing these words from a McDonald's drive through where I am getting coffee to keep me alive as I drive back from Chicago. I didn't want to miss another day because I want to stay in the practice and dedication of writing these words. So here it is. It's a bit phoned in but it's something... Got to go, coffee is ready 😜

Today is my little nephew's birthday.  Ok...so he is not so little anymore. 6 years have flown by so fast. He went from 21 inches tall to over 4 feet so fast. He says the most hilarious and thought provoking things. He is sweet and sensitive and I am so proud of this little guy.  Today I want to spend the rest of this blog writing a letter to this little man. Danny, I sometimes tease you that I am going to put a book on your head to keep you from growing up. There is a real part of me that wants to freeze time and keep you a little boy forever. You give the best hugs and kisses but are quickly approaching the age where you are just a little too cool to. Yet, even if I could stop time and keep you my sweet funny little boy, I wouldn't. You see every passing day and year I am amazed at the person you are becoming. You have such a sweet and sensitive spirit. You are a deep thinker and so smart it never ceases to amaze me. You are so hilarious and weird....

I tend toward being rather fearless and gutsy about trudging through tough parts of town or encountering drug dealers or pimps hassling me clients. But today something strange happened to me.  Yesterday I was alerted to the news that an on and off client of mine had been murdered. Worse yet, it was by another on and off client who we knew to struggle with mental health and intense outbursts. Today, I was made aware of another situation where a young girl that has been an on and off client with her mom since I have worked in the shelter, was kidnapped and sexually assaulted.  After my encounter last week in the park and these two stories today I was faced with something I wasn't used to at all. Deep, intense, nearly paralyzingly fear.  I had to walk down through a tough part of town to a health clinic to pick up a prescription. I suppose I could have driven but I usually enjoy the walk. Today however, I was jumpy and unsettled. Every time I sensed person...